What Young Wives Wish Someone Told Their Husbands

[Music] the yeshiva.net so welcome to a very a very exciting evening and our topic is as it was promoted what young wives wish someone told their husbands and this is an evening dedicated for young married men i got a few messages earlier somebody said oh i'm married for 20 years for 10 years 30 years am i still considered a young person so as i once heard from the rebbe he said that he heard from his shredded yachts as the elter gaitner passport you can't always look into the passport to see how somebody oh how old somebody is a lot has to do with attitude and disposition and mindset and vigor stamina merits and so forth so if you're young at heart you're welcome and this is dedicated especially for newly married younger light in our communities who often have many questions and go through various dilemmas struggles challenges and sometimes healthy struggles and challenges as part of growth and the asia hashemis we're going to try to address this demographic at least touch on some important points even if we won't be able to exhaust the topic i want to thank first of all my dear friends rabbi zalman and rabbits and yehuda's blooming the duke university for arranging this evening and the other evenings with myself and other great teachers and speakers and mentors robonim and so forth mental health professionals i want to thank dr stephen gordon for his unique partnership in this enterprise i also going to open up and thank a special person who lives in my community whose name is rebecca zevlam who's a marriage thera marital therapist here in muncie and we have done quite many programs together here in the community for people who live here and also bachrim who came from brooklyn and young women who came over the last few years before corona middle of corona virtually and in person and many of the ideas especially the way they're applied in today's research and in today's marital therapy i have learned from him so thank you very much i'm going to use some of those ideas that's why i'm mentioning that the fact is my dear friends that we're living today in a time when shalom bias cannot be taken for granted it doesn't just happen by osmosis you go out you get engaged with your taiwan you have you get married you have shava brachas you settle down your hash office are basically the same you're both committed to terror mitzvahs avoid what can go wrong but the fact is that many many couples are challenging are suffering are hurting sometimes it comes up shortly after the wedding sometimes it comes up during engagement and sometimes it comes up time some years later before children after children at different junctures of life and people are struggling and we're not talking about people who want to struggle and are trying to make it hard for themselves no they're good people and people are trying to do the right thing and people who are dedicated they're dedicated to the one they want to make their marriages work but a lot of things that maybe we have taken for granted in the past maybe not cannot be taken for granted today and that's why it's so important to address this that's intro number one intro number two i personally receive many many questions from any younger light who are considered to be very good people hiroshima airlift sid van sa dedicated to the kavanagh to one degree or another and yet things are really sitting on their chest and it's important for all of you anyone who's listening i want you to know there's no question that i want you to feel is taboo that you have to be embarrassed with that you have to feel that if you share this confidentially and discreetly you're going to be perceived by myself or somebody else as some strange abnormal outcast and i mean this very very sincerely if you're experiencing something if you're feeling something if you're frustrated by something that makes it valuable enough to share share it with somebody you trust if you want to share it with me you can share it with me in this setting or in another setting at the end i'll give my information you can email me privately but my point is don't don't ever feel embarrassed and unworthy to be able to share your question it's extremely important to understand this because as the rambam puts it at the end of chanakya and i heard this from the red but dozens of times he loved quarrying this rambam kola tower nitin alas all of tona was created to create peace in the world and if toyota is not creating that shalom island if you find that the torah that the values of yiddish are khalil creating the opposite of shalom the opposite of peace and harmony and love and affection in your home and in your marriage then we all have to revisit the title which title am i learning which target am i teaching which turret are you learning which tired have you received because this is the principle called nitin allah every nikuda in torah in one form or another is created lassa shalom balaam to make life more peaceful to make the world more peaceful as it ever would say oil begins with oil my world your world our inner world the miniature world and then it goes to the bigger larger world it's not just allah between putin and ukraine first last is shalom inside here and inside my kitchen and inside my dining room and inside our living room my living room there is no nikuda in toyota that does not teach us how to create a more peaceful serene tranquil happier life creating a home filled with an atmosphere of love of serenity of goodness of holiness of kadusa and if we're experiencing that and we're feeling that we need to be able to address it with honesty with authenticity and without eclipsing our problems with cliche words and without ever anybody feeling shame that you're feeling a certain way because that is often the greatest obstacle to growth when i know that if i ask a question somebody's going to look down at me or somebody else will say how you talking and then okay i don't want to not fit in i don't want to be the sore thumb in my community in my kihila so that's it i shut down so what happens i didn't solve the problem i'm just responding to guilt and shame and i run away from it and trust me it comes back to bite us and it leaks out in very dysfunctional ways now i come to point number three this is something i had a supposed to hear from the rabbit directly may peck the last fabregan the last fabregan of the rebel this time of the year exactly 30 years ago shabbos parishes exactly i think the same careers like this year top shin pay bass i don't know if you know about the last february but the last february was very unique that ebb spoke the first sikh very long unusually long for thought for those years that eber also spoke unusually loud for those years and with unusual that have expanded ideas and explained them much more than was his custom in the last years it was almost like a throwback of previous years when it ever would elaborate more and i want to share with you one point that i could still in my my imagination i could still see and hear those words i had of the last fabregan because i think it defines so much of what we want to talk about tonight the rabbi asked her shyla it was partially she called them it's also this week's parasha ki sisa which is parishes columns so it's very apropos the mitzvah is to give mata sasha kelsey shekel through malasham everybody has to give a martis a shekel and i remember that ebba asked he says we comptas it doesn't make sense the halakhah by all carbonists larson a carbon has to be wholesome and complete if a carbon is a balm or a cayenne generally even if something is complete it's always a mitzvah to bring minhamov to bring the best called hashem in the famous words in the famous postage and the famous words of the ram say kaylee van vehu as the gamora says in shabbos he smell the fun of hidden mitzvah you want it to be as wholesome as perfect as possible said here you have a giver and he wants to give a shaka no he's a millionaire he wants to give a full shekel sorry he's the only contribution to the best that had to be a balmoon so to speak had to be blemished had to be cut in half mahdi so the rebbe explained that this is the last and he said that the pasta continues and says how much is a shackle twenty gain that ever said the apostle could have said is the mitzvah is not to give a shake of the midfield to get a half a shekel so instead of saying 20 gators a shekel and then you have to make a carriage but 10 gators half a shekel posse could have said right away 10 gator which is a half a circle so you know how much i have recyclers and another few questions the nakuda of the rebbe's answer was of you saying it in my own words was as follows that the mitzvah of marxism is not to give a half a shekel it's to give a whole shackle and that's why it doesn't say essa gera it says estrogen because the mitzvah is not to give 10 gator the mitzvah is to give 20 gator but the mitzvah is this goofer to recognize that the only way i can give a shackle is together with you because you and i are one if i would have a mitzvah to give a whole shekel i would miss the point i wouldn't be giving a whole shekel because i would be giving a shackle and my second half would be giving a shekel so actually a half would give a shekel the mitzvah is to recognize this itself that i am half and together with you together with another jew i make up a full shekel and together we create that one shekel that area that time this in 1978 and the rebbe said that in daffy me the only message where they learned tamil xiaomi also was you know that there's no miss that you learned yourself somehow shkalim had a mazel and it made it into the talmud babli learning and the rabbi said why say he said unbelievable because the whole nakuda of shkalim is that every jew is a half so talmud bavali and urushami are two different worlds but in a sectional they made peace in the learning of talmud bhavali you learn also tamil and the river went on to discuss this how discuss how this is between a jew and hashem between a jew and himself different parts of yourself and between a jew and another jew and he connected it then to parishes vayakal and he connected it to it was an unbelievable extraordinary why do i say this here today because this is the key that we have to remember when it comes to marriage and when we start off as marriage there's two ways of understanding marriage one way of understanding marriage is i am i and you are you we're two separate people we're going to try to make it work to the best of our ability the challenge is that people are so different people have so many different dispositions ain't they saying chavez that's even between people from the same gender no two snowflakes are the same no two people are the same certainly when you have a zucker and a cave a ish in a niche it's two different universes so it's very easy for there to be misunderstandings and frustrations and setbacks and failures and anger as we're going to explore and if you're part of if you experience that welcome to the club that's part of the human experience but the aside how you say it is what allows us to navigate the tsunamis of life that the curveballs that come our way is this conviction this inner notion of and that is that you want to create a marriage where we really can experience ourselves as half and the other person as the other half that does not mean you don't have a personality without the other person it does not mean you don't have feelings and you don't have a heart and you don't have your own mind and you don't have your own individuality on the contrary it means that with your whole schlemos you're a marxist why because the value of life is that you can enter into a real relationship where you actually really connect and become one with another person coming along with another business doesn't mean you lose yourself in the process you don't exist you become a smarter or you're just non-existent there's a t-shirt that reads i'm very easy to get along with once you learn to worship me that's not what it means it means you're a matias with a brain with a heart and you have your kashmiris and your hush and your struggles and your virtues and your blessings and your talents and your resources and your gifts and yet with that i come to recognize that the fullness of my identity fullness of my life is when i become integrated and interconnected 24 hours a day seven days a week with my second half with my soul mate with my spouse as desire says appraiser sherman says that a husband and a wife it's plague it's two halves of one body or two halves of one in shaman and it's losing he says this is because a hoop is not a union it's a reunion and he gives a martial gives us imagine there were two best friends in heaven and then they were separated for decades and then when they come together there is such a joy in the reunion and it ever says that dalton says a husband and a wife are two halves of one soul inseparable best friends train rei in the llamas femininity the epiphany and bina is the femininity that develops the vlad and the fetus over nine months was looking out the window and he saw the middle and ever walking without anastasi my father used to call it patrushka you know what padrushka means like a hand tucked into another hand and somebody tells dalton but two inseparable friends it's an expression in zoya about looked and he said one word halawa because as we know in later years there was a split the banister sheller went his own way but training in the llamas parishion is very profound there's khaka and it's bina and then i realized we want to become two friends that are inseparable and then marriage becomes a blissful experience not because there's no struggles in life not because there's no responsibilities life is not just one long vacation where we watch a sunset and sing poetry to each other i love maybe for some people but it's because there's a trust and a loyalty and a dedication that pervades your entire day and your entire night but that takes work so there's two ways of experiencing marriage one is i'm a whole euro let's try to make it work but there's so many bumps and there's so many things that can go wrong and therefore it's likely that they will go wrong and it's why in certain cultures so many marriages break up the assailants of yahada says to be able to realize that catholicism and tackles is to be able to create a binyan of the yard and to enter into this type of relationship as i said last night to the bakram the first thing the toyota says is loitayev is not good it's not guilleria the first thing that it says is the master of the universe it's not good for other to be alone s liaison connected essential to the fabric of creation is i don't want to be alone and it's not good for me to be alone even if i need time alone different people are different some people are people's people some people are very social some people are party animals some people are bookworms told us about different types of dispositions people who like people and like social life and people who love sitting in their own room and they would rather not be bothered 50 years still lloyd and that's the idea that you're a martyrs and i'm a martyrs and we can really really trust that process and for that we have to trust each other then life is transformed because then mario life means you have a true and authentic friend as you will see you may not always agree with each other you may sometimes struggle with each other you may sometimes have difficulties with each other but it doesn't take away from the marxist hashaka which brings us now to the next point those of you who are bakant even a little bit with the world of the rokachavigon and the world of the rebel circus know this very well but i want to apply it here to life and here i want to begin the journey with you this evening because everything i said is very nice shalom is called it allows the shalom beautiful wonderful how how do i do it how do i do it so there are those who don't have this question somehow it goes it just cruises along but then there's others who experience the second passage a beautiful a beautiful table a beautiful home negative step number one the ragachavagon has a famous hiddish in the rambam there are a few contradictions in rambam hillcrest issues paid a gimbal the rambam says that before kedushin you have to make a bracha which we make in the beginning and says you can only make the broccoli for kids and after kadush and it's over it's abraham and hill in hillchester is parakeet when it comes to you he makes shabba brah because ramen says you can do it after the nasser and also after the cup so even a few days later even some time later i said okay what happened took this phrase and started to employ it for so many other issues the dedication of the bowel to the wife in the syrian where you become a full-fledged husband and wife and you go home and you start playing house together it's not a paula that's one time it's a paula that halacha sees as being renewed every single moment of marriage every single moment of missouri the sheba is renewed the hassan is renewed the hope is therefore you can make a bracha later also why because it's still a barakah on something that didn't happen yet because the nasiriyan of yesterday has to be renewed today and everyone shared a story it's a fantastic story that i could shave once metric and they were all chavrosas and then shared this with raphael the prime ministers didn't is you just got married i heard once a sequence of the story that the naked church said that the mazel tov that you told me at my wedding also continues you don't have to tell me again mazel tov i don't know if it's true i don't think rev seven the number didn't say this and i don't think rav zeven brings this detail but i once read it and with this he answers many other problems in the rambo when it comes to nisujiyan and kadushim they say look it's also it's not for now but what's the havana what's the havana in this what's wrong you made a hope and you got married and now go play how so the shot is that ebb explained this once you kiss leftovers whenever you have two things that are opposite that need to converge and become one it's not enough to do it one time because naturally innately it's going to revert back to its natural state and its natural state is separateness the famous famous martial of the tamaksadak and later from the rabbit the martial of the rock when i throw up a rock it's not going to stay in the air because the laws of gravity demand that it should come back as long as my kayak my energy is in the rock or in the ball it's going to continue flying the moment my energy is gone it reverts back to its natural state then according to the laws of nature it falls back to the ground if you're developing something that's not contrary to its nature then it could remain there even when you stop creating it and the famous muscle of sharia could pay the base somebody a silversmith takes a goblet of silver and turns it into a minority and even if he goes away the minotaur stays in menina but if you're doing something that's contrary to the nature of the object then you have to renew it and recreate it every single moment and that's the reason that the world has to be recreated every moment and that's the reason he explains there at length yeshua elaborate after hectares you can always retract it why because hectares again it's uniting two opposites you're taking the physical matter and you're turning it into something that's divine you're going against the natural gulf that heaven and earth are separate and therefore it has to be recreated the hectares has been recreated every moment and therefore every moment you can take it back this gives us unbelievable perspective in marriage because what happens is and this is one of the great struggles and i i'm i'm i'm teaching it this way because i want to show you how an insight of the raga shaver in rambam which is pure lumdus and a debate he had with raphael and the way siddhis applies it to the creation of the world and the way that ebba applies it to hectares and to truma and to carbonus and to other sergius enigla comes out in the most practical and relevant day away every day in marriage that essentially drakka trevor is saying when you're connecting two opposites a one-time event will not solve it will not create the actors the unity has to be recreated every single moment why is this so important to understand because many people get frustrated we got married it was great and i'm just expecting it to continue this way with absolute tranquility but it's not that way the natural tendency of two opposites that come together is to go back go back everybody goes back to their world that's nature that's natural and if you want to undo that in other words you want to be married you want to be happily married it's a pool in himself so there's the part that does but then there's the part that you and me have to do and by the way this is true many many years later a couple comes to me the other day they went on vacation for three weeks cancun they had a beautiful beautiful time they came home they thought it's going to be almeiman alaini and they're arguing things are not going well they're relying on the fact that there's no pulling themselves there was a one-time event we had great three weeks and that's it it continues this way no the natural tendency of a marriage in most cases is and i want you to understand this is to disintegrate the husband goes one way and the wife goes the other way emotionally speaking there are exceptions but don't get frustrated if you're not one of those yeshides gula mamesh who are part of that exception what does this mean practically it means that you constantly we constantly have to consciously and deliberately because [Music] re-ignite the connection and re-establish the fact that i'm in i'm in the game i'm in this marriage i'm a marxist hashecker because naturally i go away from being a mock to sasha i want to be a monster shackle life is tough it's hard to trust it's hard to say every moment of the day i'm half i'm not half i could be stabbed if i'm half it's too vulnerable i run away so we constantly have to remind each other and it's we have to do it together you can't come from one person i'm happy to be your martyrs you're happy to be my martyrs i'm here i'm loyal i'm dedicated i'm present and this is a very very subtle but very deep thing i asked a very big marriage therapist he has probably helped hundreds and hundreds of couples maybe thousands and i asked him how long does it take for a couple to start drifting away emotionally if they do not remind each other how much they're connected and how much they love each other and how much they're here for each other and he told me these words you may laugh he said every three hours a husband and a wife have to remind each other and tell each other we're one i'm in i'm thinking about you you're thinking about me i trust you you trust me i'm leaning on you the enemy i told them he says you're right you're right but you know what after nine hours you come home at night you could do hashem with this pay saksheni but he says but if you wait three weeks if you wait two weeks three hours three hours three hours after three hours you start drifting but the drifting is very very small so you come home at night and you're muslim and you're fine you're away for a day or two days you bring it back together but he says if a day can stop passes and another day and a third day and a fourth day after a week two weeks it's very very hard this is not true with your brother or your sister i may not see my brother for a few weeks sometimes i may not see my brother for a longer time i meet him and we go back to the same conversation where we were two months earlier and it's fine but with a husband and a wife it doesn't work that way because two reasons number one you're dealing about two huff you're dealing with two opposites says a man represents this fire and water and he says every shidduch is a convergence it's a unity between fire and water fire and water are opposites you need a work to create it but call ragavaraga that's why it's and al treb explains there that's why you have to lift up the castle you have to lift up the kawa for them to be able to go to a space where they could be marked in the siddhas take them out of the senate another reason is because we rely on each other so much it's such a vulnerable relationship it's a matter of shaka relationship and yeah you always have to remind me that you're not gonna you're not gonna let me you're not gonna allow me to hang out our drawing you're not gonna throw me under the bus it's a very subtle things now i wanna show you what this means practically on an everyday level what this means is as follows because this is the truth every communication between you and your wife is either an opportunity to become closer or to become further it's not neutral if marriage was a stable relationship everything would be different marriage inherently is an unstable relationship and this is one of the things that people often don't understand and it's difficult for them to accept no my marriage is stable i'm telling you besides a few exceptions marriage inherently is unstable that's what he says on the kuta toyota it's too african it's inherently unstable inherently it falls apart it's too intense it's too powerful it's two of a kiddish and in order to make it stable and beautiful and amazing we have to recreate it we don't have to recreate it from new but we have to continue what was created the last moment i can't expect my my beautiful plant just to continue growing i have to water it every day or every few days i can't expect my beautiful candle to continue burning forever maybe eight days you have to replenish it with oil that's a relationship you have to put in the oil you have to water the plant it's it's so important you need the shemen you need the mayam nigla the terra razon the toyota and that's why every communication and marriage either brings you closer or causes you to drift away so i'll give you an example i live in muncie we have a forest behind my house the birds love hanging out there if i'm sitting at the table i'm drinking a cup of coffee and i'm looking in a safer or i'm reading something else my wife comes into the kitchen she looks outside and she sees we have a beautiful red bird that comes around during the spring months beautiful red bird and a beautiful bluebird and she says to me why why yes look at this bird outside what's my response i could do different things i could do what some men do which is grunt i'm big i'm busy now don't you see i'm busy i'm busy i really have to finish this i can do that or i could look up like begrudgingly oh here we go again with the red bird it's like okay yeah i see the red bird next or i could stop and look out and say wow wow and i don't mean to lie i mean to be authentic because every communication between you and your wife in marriage either brings you closer or causes you to drift away even a little bit you're dealing with a very vulnerable and fragile relationship when you can accept this marriage could be awesome when you don't realize how fragile it is marriage actually becomes much more difficult it's like if you're carrying something very very fragile if you know it's fragile you know exactly what it is how to treat it how to prepare yourself but when you thought it wasn't fragile it was simple i get along with my sisters i get along with my cousins i get along with my mother i get along with my bubba i gather with my aunt it's not fragile i get along with the buck room in my class i was in a dormitory for many years i traveled here i traveled there i was very popular when you don't realize how fragile it is then you don't know how to relate to it and then you don't understand why things are cracking all over you all over the place so realize if i continue reading that newspaper i'll have to let safe and i'm like i'm busy now it wasn't just i ignored a big deal it was an opportunity because we could have become closer but i missed it okay we all do that that's fine but realize that which brings us to the next point i'm going to tell you a voice from the villenegon there's a mishap and you have it in other places when two witnesses testify about the same event so the expression in ghazal is nimtsu they discovered that the two witnesses are testifying in an identical fashion so he says what's nimtsu either they said the same story they didn't say the same story and this is what the villenegon says he says if two witnesses say exactly the same story one of them is lying because two people never see the same thing they're never going to say the same story you have to research and see despite the fact that there are changes ultimately they're telling you the same story when it comes to the basic fundamental events they're telling you the same story when you have two people they never tell the same story not because they don't want to because they can't you want to know what marriage life is we're driving in one car we're looking out of two different windows i'm going to tell you a story the story was written by a very famous therapist dr irving yalum who lives in california he's a jew has a book about therapy and he tells a story i saw it many many years ago so i'm not telling it to you verbatim i'm just telling you the point a woman once came to see him and she said she had a very difficult childhood with her father he was very uptight and disagreeable and argumentative and confrontational and what happened was they were traveling it was before her wedding and he was driving and she looked out her window and she said daddy look how beautiful this landscape is and he looked out his window and he said it's ugly and she felt so let down by his dismissiveness and it really created even more stress on the relationship and they ultimately split apart decades later she was married she was driving with her husband on the same highway this time she was driving and he was the passenger looked out her window deja vu she remembered what happened and she saw that from her window you could see a cesspool and she realized her father wasn't disagreeing with her he wasn't trying to be disagreeable he was just describing what he saw her father has passed on already so she came to the therapist to discuss how pain she was how true this is in life we're in one car but there's two different windows and it's not a problem i see life through my window you see life through your window debates disagreements do not destroy a marriage what destroys a marriage is when we don't know how to disagree when there's no trust when there's no trust when there's no loyalty and dedication when we don't learn how to disagree when we don't understand that i can disagree with you because i'm really looking out of another window when i cannot understand that i need to respect your window even if it's not my window and even if i don't see it that way but i have to create space in my heart for your window for your perspective and you have to create space for my window then it's fine sometimes couples argue i'll discuss it soon about a certain question says argue for the rest of their life that's fine i now come to another very important point and this has to do with triggers and i want you to tune into what i'm saying very very often the greatest challenges of marriage has nothing to do with your spouse it has to do with unresolved wounds inside your own system your wife is simply triggering you and bringing out things inside of you that have not been resolved and it's extremely difficult for you a young man once told me every time his wife tells him make sure to close the door on your way out and lock it he didn't know why but he was getting angry he was feeling distant from her it has nothing to do with what she told them it has to do with a certain unconscious memory in his mind that is coming to the fore when she makes that statement now he's getting upset at her and the reason he's getting upset at her is because he is not doing the avoid that he has to do on himself somebody once told me right he was a child and he came home and he tells his mother i am in school bothered me and bullied me and hurt me and what does she say she says no hayam is such a sweet kid he would have never done it so what does she tell this guy you got to bury your feelings you got to bury your emotions you cannot trust your emotions now he grows up he's having emotions and he can't trust them he has so many difficulties with them and his wife is asking him to find she wants to know about his emotions but he's being so triggered because of these responses now there are hundreds and thousands of examples how this plays out in your life but i'm saying this to you that if this is playing yourself itself out of your life the greatest blessing you can have is awareness what happens often is in childhood we experience different experiences and today we know in neuroscience how our brain responds there are sometimes difficult situations and not necessarily one major trauma or abusive experience that you had that too but sometimes it's a cumulative over years if you sat in a classroom for years and you felt like a failure if you were bullied if there was verbal or emotional or other forms of abuse even things that you may not recognize as very devastating but internally you went into hiding and maybe a certain part of your brain shuts down sometimes what's called our prefrontal lobes our prefrontal lobe prefrontal cortex the ability of the brain to reason and to enter into a broad relationships to reckon to see things from a long-term vision sometimes it goes offline very often the fire alarm in our brain known as the amygdala which is responsible for survival they call it the reptilian brain the nephew younis or the olympic brain the nephesh obama centennial is triggered in a very deep way and in order to survive we either engage in what's called fight or flight or worse we freeze and now 20 years later you're a younger man and a situation comes up and either you fight or you run away or you just freeze and you're not even realizing this is happening because this is just a natural response to situations that are coming up that are just triggering old memories but i want you to have this awareness now sometimes you can work on this on your own or with the help of your spouse or with the help of somebody else avoided fila sometimes we need professional help sometimes you need a professional but the key is to be aware of all of these factors now i begin with questions and during these questions we're going to explore some more aspects that we want to talk about question number one okay can you tell us what can i do to create a good marriage and what can i do to create a dysfunctional marriage a bad marriage what do i have to know what do i have to understand they tell us that men are from mars women are from venus in what way are we normal young chabad men significantly different than our wives why do we often misunderstand each other the initial wedding excitement is over life is normal dear i say life is boring how do i get excited again how do i get inspired to make my marriage special it's very very average now great great question and the answer to this my dear friends is i'm going to give you an outline of a few principles what happens in a good marriage and what happens in a challenging marriage what happens in not a good marriage and i should just say that over the last 40 years there has been tremendous progress in the research on this topic and i'll tell you why they used to see couples professionals to see couples and would think okay give them this and this advice let them work out stuff and hopefully their marriages will become better what they've recently done in the last few decades was actually observe couples that have great marriages and see what happens in those homes and what happens in the homes where there are miserable marriages and an enormous amount of material was learned from this and we see it all in our safari we see it all in tanaka museum sichus my mother country we see it all but i want to organize it a little bit and bring out a few points in a good marriage you remain curious inquisitive in a bad marriage i know who you are when you're dating you're curious if the girl at the date says something i believe this i don't believe this i want this in my home i don't want this you don't right away judge her and reach conclusions you ask you find out it's interesting why do you believe so why do you think so what happens often in marriage is i already know everything about you in a good marriage we remain curious always inquisitive next in a good marriage i don't know what you're thinking tell me i'm not i don't guess i'm not a prophet sometimes i know it very often i don't in a bad marriage i always know what you're thinking i always know what you're thinking i always know what you felt i always know why you did it in a good marriage again this is part of my curiosity tell me share it with me some people think if you have a good marriage i have to know everything she's thinking i have to know everything she wants she has to know everything i want sometimes you have such people it's gevaldic but it's fine not to know that's why we have to communicate tell me what happened by you what happened for you what was your experience at this meal what was my experience at this meal what happened when we had this conversation what happened when your mother called when your father called with your brother what happened to the shambhala mitzvah at the shabbos table tell me what happened in a good marriage and a happy marriage we can agree to disagree we can agree to see things through two windows in a bad marriage we cannot do that we each have to persuade the other one and prove them wrong only when you finally agree that i'm right or i agree that your right is their peace that's not a good marriage in a good marriage we can embrace the fact that we see things differently but you know what we trust each other i'm here for you you're here for me i support you you support me mr lam told me a story a couple came to him this was the argument they were in a supermarket a kosher supermarket and he was online with his wife and there was a woman behind him and the woman asked him if she could go ahead of him because she's in a rush and he said i'm so so sorry but i'm also in a rush and i can't let you go ahead of me his wife wanted to kill him because she knew that woman and the fact that her husband said to that woman no this person wanted to bury herself from shame so they came to the therapist and they had this whole big macholicus who was right and what does he tell her he says to them listen i don't know who was right but one thing i know when you're 90 years old you're going to have exactly the same argument because he was saying i'm also a person i'm also busy don't delegitimize me and she's like she's my friend how could you be so disrespectful who's right the therapist said i don't know but i know that 90 years from now you're still going to be arguing and figure it out and they made up sure that shutter was that when he's going shopping with her and a woman asks him to skip he will let if he's there himself he can do whatever he wants the famous marriage therapist john gottman he actually learned in the early 40s today conservative jew so he's he's one of the big marriage therapists today he says 69 of arguments between a husband and a wife in a good marriage are not resolved even 60 years later of arguments are not resolved the dividend in a good marriage and a bad marriage is not if you have an argument it's how you deal with an argument in a good marriage you don't stonewall each other you don't like pick up your hands i can't talk to you here you go again and you run away you're present because more important than the conversation is the relationship you may want the window open i want the window closed you want the ac higher i want the ac lower you want it to be cold i want it to be hot you want to go here for basics for shabbos for smoothers i want to go here you want the lights on i want the lamp off i want to read you fine but more important than the argument is the relationship is the connection in a good marriage there's always the ability to say i'm sorry i'm sorry that my words impacted you this way i just want to tell you what i meant i did not mean it this way but i'm sorry that i hurt you in a bad marriage no i'll always argue that you didn't understand me correctly in a good marriage i could understand that you maybe didn't understand me or maybe i said the wrong thing and i can apologize in a good marriage i don't say why did you do this why did you say this i asked with curiosity it was shabbos afternoon we ate by herp family and she said something to her mother in my presence i was hurt in a good marriage when we walk home i say to her why did you say that why why did you say that about me in a bad marriage i know why you said that you wanted to insult me you wanted to denigrate me you don't like me you hate me you want to throw me under the bus in a good marriage i know that there's so much i don't know there's so much mystery i don't even know so much about myself you think i know a lot of i know everything about you i don't reach conclusions i don't right away defame you and demonize you in my own mind she doesn't like me i can't deal with her she's so tough she's a control freak i'm actually inquisitive i actually wonder i really want to know what you were thinking and you know what it's a mishna have they done this color them give people the benefit of the doubt certainly your wife and your husband in a bad marriage i right away know why you're selfish you're self-centered you're just like your mother you're just like your grandmother you're just trying to please your father and your mother and your brother i already know everything about you i psychologically analyze you i dissect you i put you in a box i already know who you are and life is over for the next 60 years i'm still getting angry about the same things in a good marriage i really want to know i'm curious next in a good marriage i speak about myself in a bad marriage i speak about you meaning in a good marriage i say you know what you did yesterday or what you said yesterday i just want to tell you how it made me feel it was a difficult moment for me i got nervous i got anxious i got angry i got upset in a bad marriage i talk about you i'm like what you said was disgusting what you said was unacceptable and that is much more painful to hear and people get defensive you see if i tell you what you did or said yesterday was obnoxious and rude you're going to get upset and you're going to say no it was not obnoxious yes it was obnoxious no it's not obnoxious but what if i tell you something else i don't know what it was i just want to tell you how it made me feel you can't argue with me this was my feeling you can argue with me if you were rude or not rude but you can't argue with me about how i felt when we speak about our feeling we don't make the other person become defensive right away we allow them to hear what i experienced and then you could tell me what you experienced and then we could look at each other and respect and appreciate the other person's experiences you remember the two windows and that's how relationships become stronger and stronger i talk about what's happening in my world rather than criticizing you about your world now all of this is based on one rule and it's called having a general positive feeling when you have a generally positive feeling about your wife about your husband your natural go-to place your neural pathways will take you to a positive place let me find out what she meant and this is my question to you when you're finding after a month six months a year two years three years of marriage that your natural go-to place is negative and you're getting angry and you're getting upset and you're getting worked up this means my general outlook on my spouse is toxic it's negative how do we create a mindset we are your general claus dikka mahalak is one of positivity instead of negativity one is the kafsas instead of the kafka how do we do that somebody once told me a couple came to see him a therapist told me and she starts saying you know my husband is absent-minded he forgets everything i tell him in the morning when you go out to shul to davon the sick and take out the garbage he forgets it so i put it in front of the door so that he won't forget it and what did he do he climbed over the garbage and he left the door and she started to laugh she said isn't that cute what a battling he is he climbs over the garbage and opens the door there was another woman and this person set it over at a at a marriage seminar there was another woman sitting there she was horrified she's like what's so funny that's not cute that's narcissistic what were the macholicas between these two women the actual wife found it cute and the other woman was like this is so narcissistic it doesn't have to do with which it takes out the garbage it doesn't take off of course you should take out the garbage it has to do with a general feeling is it a positive feeling or is a negative feeling how do you do that so what we know today is something very very incredible and if you learned that ebis about how to speak to people and how to speak about people you see that this is such a fundamental idea in yiddish and in avoidance amides and that is as follows it really works like a charm if you want to live in a home where the general attitude is one of positivity and therefore if you have a doubt what your wife did or meant what her kavanagh was what her intention was what's going to make your brain go to the positive space and give her the benefit of the doubt and therefore have a nice conversation about it and the same is true with conversely with her and the answer is as follows it's about how many positive statements are exchanged between you during the day and during the night according to all the research we know that you need a ratio of 20 positive statements to one negative statements i call it bitter esrim if you have 20 of during 24 hours 20 communications were positive one was negative you're good you're good the minimum is a ratio from four to one bittelbarbah four to one for every negative comment you need four positive comments to counterbalance it and then there's gonna be a general positive ambiance in this relationship but that's minimum minimum is one to four better one to five one to ten one to twenty is really good what does pumping positive mean anything i so appreciate your work ethic i'm in awe of your kindness i love your sense of humor you look so good today wow what a beautiful suit thank you for what you did yesterday from my sister for my brother anything positive about gashmi is about rookney is about a goof about neshama about midis about this position about character that creates a trust that is incredible and now you may be laughing like oh i'm a plymouth guy i'm not a hitsun let me just tell you something it works you can argue with me but let me tell you something in most cases it works but if it's two negative comments to two positive comments or two pi nega or two negative comments to three positive comments again you can get away one to four with murder but much better now or if it's ten negative comments to ten positive comments the general vibe could be negative and this is one of the most fundamental differences between good marriages and bad marriages next in bad marriages the love that i display is the love that i like in good marriages i always want to think about what makes you happy what works for you not that i don't care about myself but it becomes important for me how you're feeling how you're experiencing things in a bad marriage pain is always expressed as anger but in most cases listen to this pain is a secondary emotion which means underneath the pain underneath the anger there's usually pain there's very very few cases in relationships where the anger is not a cover-up for pain anger is usually not the panimi is hamid it's the hits it's easier to acknowledge that i'm angry at you then i'm in pain because if i'm angry at you you're guilty if i'm in pain i'm vulnerable i'm open to being hurt in a good marriage i speak about my pain not about my anger in a bad marriage i speak about my anger i don't speak about my pain in a bad marriage i'm angry if you tell me you know what you did was inappropriate or what you did was a stupid thing i'm angry at you i'm in pain i may feel lonely i may feel judged i may feel that you're separated from me i may feel that you don't like me you don't validate me and in a good marriage i could say you know wow that hurt that hurt wow that was painful and then you can acknowledge it you can apologize you can explain yourself but in a bad marriage i'm just angry at her i'm angry at him next in a bad marriage there's only room for two adults two mature people in a good and happy marriage there's room for two little children playing around in a bad marriage i always have to be an adult i always have to be responsible in a good marriage my childhood dreams my childhood fantasies my idiosyncrasies my craziness my mishagasana can emerge because i create space for you you create space for me an important disclaimer all of this is a hundred percent true but there are exceptions if somebody has a personality disorder if somebody has mental illness if somebody went through a real trauma in life maybe because of rape or something then all of these rules don't apply you can try all of this but when you see there's no feedback the person may simply be suffering from a terrible illness the person may have a serious trauma personality disorder and they simply cannot function in the regular way now there is help but the first step is to identify it and for the victim to take accountability that they have a challenge and to address it and if we address it earlier there's much more hope for people to be able to live with it with dignity and live good lives but the key is i have to be able to take responsibility from my illness from my mental challenges from my trauma i have to be able to say i'm in a lot a lot of pain and it's not my husband's fault i'm in a lot a lot of pain and it's not my wife's fault this is a very very important disclaimer next question how do i regain vibrancy in my avoidance hashem as a younger man i don't have a mashpia i don't have a love that i look up to those that i'm close to don't inspire me what type of sphem should i learn it's a great question and the answer to that is that since we live in a world of shabbat with all the challenges of technology let's use technology for what it was made for and that is harvard's satoru find yourself a teacher online even if you don't have a teacher in person today it could be in your dish or in hebrew or in english or in another language somebody who does inspire you i'm sure but there is somebody who speaks to you there's somebody who can ignite a passion and a blood gamora in a pair in a period you know in a mirror or whatever it is find yourself a teacher that you love that you cherish and learn with him learn with him once a week learn with him three times a week exercise with him go on the treadmill with him take a walk with him with with listening to shoot him on a drive and you'll learn you'll learn you'll grow and every i'm sure there's somebody you could find and maybe if the person is still in islam you can have correspondence with him you can visit him the fact that you don't have somebody in person that you can look up to and inspire to inspire you be inspired by but there's so many great people there's great teachers today and great mentors and communicators and orators my girl shiram and rosh yeshivas and mashpeem and you could really go away you could really grow so it's very important and it's also important to be able to have somebody you could speak to every person it doesn't have to be a person you see face to face it could be with zoom today could be on the phone and so forth how can i be there for my wife in an emotionally accepting way when she's going through a very tough time she's emotionally overwhelmed how can i also work through my past internal emotions which are triggered by her unrest this is a wonderful wonderful question and the answer to this the kits and emirates is the first thing is you don't have to solve her problem your challenge your opportunises to be a containing presence for her to be able to be there with her imaya the rebbe says that esther told murder he says why did she have to say kala yuhuda then why not him the gemara always asks and eric what did they call them could have said and the answer is because mordechai on his own would have excluded the jews that ate by the meal of ahashverish russia he said well i'm going to tell them to fast for three days they couldn't even go to a meal and eat kosher they're going to fast for three days and they will call encha neger they're the ones who are responsible for the xed so the rabbi said what was esther's hidden he said that esther grew up esther was in the palace and she understood the messiah of being in a non-jewish environment and having to eat kosher the gemara says in magilla one is that ah your test is there probably she ate fat of bacon soda said esther had he said you cannot help another person who's going through a challenge if you do not feel what they're going through and he told the story of the mithridab that the mithridate one stopped yahidis because somebody came in and he needed a tikkun for a very serious aveda and the mithridabber said he could not find this sin within himself even badakos and therefore he cannot help him in the middle it ever fasted with hefsekis for three days he was doing truva and saying to hillary and davening with priyas nirayas until he found something in himself the dhakus so you can help the person so the rebbe said when people tell over the story they think the vart is that the middle it ever said it bahash that he has to be messaging his own raha nelam he said that's not the vart he says there's a geshemaka beer in the story that when you want to help somebody you have to be able to feel what they're going through because if not you don't understand how they did it and you don't understand why they should be forgiven and you get upset at them and the most important thing you can't help them grow from the experience because you're looking at it from a distance and therefore you cannot help them really see the light in their darkness only when you're there with them and to be there with them you have to be able to really really get rid of all judgmentalism and become like a woman reference from the word to just it's the ability just to be a silent containing presence for another person i don't i don't have to i don't have to heal you enough to change enough to convince you it just has to really really be there for you and you will see that the impact of that is incredible especially in a marriage so this is what i encourage you to do in terms of the triggering you the best thing you can do for yourself is awareness if you could be aware and curious wow this is triggering me i once read a story about a fellow he was a father and whenever his children cried the guy went crazy he would do anything to get rid of their tears he would run out of the house he would put on the music loud he would scream at them he would give them every computer all the candies he didn't know why years later he figured out when he was in residency he was in a in a cancer ward for children and they constantly had to prick these kids in the middle of the night and sometimes they couldn't find the right veins so they had to puncture them with needles and the kids were screaming and he said i had to literally detach from any emotions i couldn't feel because i wouldn't be able to do my job and i really cut i amputated those emotional parts of myself and he says when his children were crying years later he became a father he says it was triggering those tears and it was overwhelming him the best thing you can do for yourself is when i have awareness and i'm like wow now here there are two paths one is you can actually through awareness you can heal and sometimes the wound is so deep that you can't heal it's just completely overtaking you and then you need help and i want to tell you that we live in a time when there's enormous amounts of opportunities for healing of your own internal wounds which we all have each one of us in our own way but there's tremendous amount of opportunities for healing great question how do you deal with disagreements in a marriage we have financial disagreements religious disagreements siduram in our house of our children and what's practical advice for the newborns young children they're not problem kids they're not teenagers they're regular little kids can you give us practical advice in enhancing a child father relationship i also know that we're not supposed to be each other's mashpia and it bothers me when she comments on my behavior what can i do okay different questions but all very very good questions and i'm going to be brief on all of them number one is when you have disagreements in a marriage there's two components we don't have to seek to convince the other person that we're right what we want to do more importantly than anything is use don't use the argument as a source to create contention and conflict between you the relationship is much more important than anything you're arguing about whether it's kasiros hidurim finances buying a house moving here moving there going on this lichas going into this business whatever you're arguing about this school more important than the argument is in 99 of cases the relationship don't let the relationship be ruined because of the argument now when you argue try to learn about the other person's position try to see what they're saying let them express it listen don't get what if i'm getting defensive from being triggered there's something else going on can you really listen to the other person and understand what they're saying and you know what you're mature people you'll figure it out together in a way that works for both of you if your mama's hit a point where you cannot figure it out together so get somebody that you can seek advice from a sailor cover a good rav a good mashpia a professional who does this but it should be a mumka somebody who's really sensitive and empathetic and understands what you're going through and let them guide you that's fine but more importantly is when you're going into your own modes do not let this become the source of contention in terms of a father bonding with a child oh this is very important today we know that the greatest antidote to most of the problems with children is their relationship with their parents vennafshay kshura binafsha and that relationship doesn't begin when they're 16. it begins when they're very very hung it begins at birth and maybe before birth so do everything to bond and whatever that means on the child's terms yes play together and have conversations together and enjoy life together and daven together and sing together and dance together and learn together and listen listen to your child listen to her listen to him and tune into their world don't always ask them to come into your world go down into their world whatever that means have meals together do outings together but be present in their life let them feel your heart let them feel your presence let them feel your emotional connection with them because i cannot stress enough how impactful that is for the remainder of your life and their life in terms of her being your mashpiya this is something that we each have to work out on our own you want to express to her how you're feeling and let her express how she's feeling she's experiencing something and that's why she's making these comments about you and you're being triggered by what she's saying you guys have to have an open conversation about this ask her what are you feeling and i want because i want to tell you what i'm feeling it hurts me it bothers me i want to have a different type of relationship if you both can be vulnerable about these types of experiences then your marriage will become much stronger and much more powerful because this is how it works every marriage has those issues that become its weakest link those issues that threaten the marriage if we could learn how to use those issues and turn them into a springboard for deeper bonding ooh that's a good marriage when this doing this becomes oh it's that would always be saying those very emotions that threaten to tear us apart and we can use those very emotions to bring us closer together there's no marriage as powerful as that because it's star shaytza love ir it's the strongest star in the world you took the very ear and you transformed it you did it what do i mean practically if there are emotions that are driving us apart i feel she's my she thinks she's my mashpia and i'm getting very upset i'm getting very annoyed she's annoyed with my yiddish guy maybe when i wake up in the morning or what i do at night etc etc i'm annoyed with her comments to me she's annoyed with she thinks i'm detached she's annoyed with my schedule i'm annoyed with how much time she speaks to her sisters whatever it is these are things that create distance between couples if those very forces can now be used as an instrument for closeness how when we can be honest about it when i could say you know when i hear you speaking on the phone for so many hours to your sisters i feel like you don't like me i feel like i'm not getting the attention i want you can really be vulnerable and she could say you know when i watch you doing this it just makes me feel like there are so many things in life that are more important your phone is much more important than me and when you can really hear each other's pain and be a containing presence so now those very emotions that would have driven you apart from each other turned you into inseparable souls that's what you want to learn how to do as often and as frequent as possible that's why in marriage it's so important for people to transcend judgmentalism and i want to tell you many people have very difficult marriages because they don't do any of this work they just think it's going to happen on its own we have kids we raise them the marriage is going to work out it doesn't happen on its own you know you need proactive consciousness and work and everything so when we could really learn to transcend judgmentalism to open each ourselves up to each other to become comfortable with our craziness with our stoos of nephesha bahamas to be able to be open about it with each other in a very real and vulnerable way it's very powerful of course there are things that you don't supposed to speak to your husband or your wife about you have to find somebody else but i'm talking about those things that we could speak about which should be 99 of our lives when my wife brings up her issues is my job just to listen should i tell her to speak to a professional what happens if i feel that she talks a lot what am i supposed to do how do i stop comparing in my head my marriage to the marriages of my friends and to other people who look happier and what if my wife is not ready to speak to someone about an ongoing challenge that affects us both great questions when do you know she has to speak to a professional you have to speak to a professional the answer is if it's something that you really feel that with all of your avoider you cannot get a handle on it just like i said if you're really stuck if you're just being triggered and you're really stuck in a place so then you turn for help but if your conversations and you being here for each other and you're listening can help dissolve the tension and create a positive mood then that's fine so it's really something that we need feedback from each other you have to tell me you know you're not a right there's something not good here but without judgment without judgement back to esther hamalka back to the middle arab if you want to fix me you have to feel me if you don't feel me you can't fix me. comparing yourself to other marriages that's what does that do for anybody you don't know what's happening in other people's marriages it's normal we look at other people's marriages but that energy that you're putting into looking at other people's marriages is the energy that you should be investing into your own marriage and you know marriages are so sensitive and so fragile and so subjective and so nuanced it's really ridiculous to look at another person's marriage it's like if a doctor starts comparing my x-ray to another person's x-ray you know you go to the dentist and he says oh look at his teeth look at your teeth i mean you want my dna molecules you want my dna sequence you want my genetics it's veiolamas it's very velten every person has their brothers and their missionas and as they say we're all born as originals let's not die as copies don't live somebody else's life because that life is taken already and who's gonna live your life you live your marriage the fact that she talks a lot well the question is you know what what's what's that doing to you are you listening maybe if you would listen more she wouldn't have to talk so much do you really know how to listen is your talking really triggering you is it reminding you of something is it getting you upset maybe go into yourself and figure out what's really bothering you if you did all that and she's just talking a lot so maybe try to help her in a very kind way see what's bothering her what is her need here people have needs people have voids we need to we want to understand them we don't want to judge them we want to understand them what does a healthy shabbos jumped of dinner experience look like when it's just the two of us i'm used to the life with baklem and fabregan's i don't know what i'm supposed to do with her at the table just me and her it's a great question i don't know exactly what i'm supposed to tell you but whatever works for both of you maybe planet maybe you want to talk about your lives maybe you want to eat fast and take a long walk maybe you want to learn something together maybe you want to have a very deep and authentic and vulnerable conversation maybe you want to spend time with each other physically emotionally spiritually i mean these are things you really want to work out together if you mean that you don't enjoy spending time with her alone then i would say we have to go a step deeper because this is what you're going to be left with remember one day the nest is empty baser hashem and it's you and her so you really want to make sure that this marriage is good you really want to make sure that you guys are comfortable with each other and yes when you're sitting at a table alone you have a lot to share now this doesn't mean she's your havrusa this doesn't mean that you want to speak to her about evie in gemara or in rajbo or ramban or if you're learning you're marrying a wife you're not marrying a harusa that's what my sister once told me she said remember you're marrying a wife you're not marrying acharusa but you want to be able to be enough to talk about first and foremost ayakov who has to have developed what's going on what are you excited about what are you stressed about talk about life talk about your mission talk about your destiny talk about whatever talk about everything small things big things and if we're really not comfortable talking with each other we always need a distraction of somebody else then i really have to ask myself what's really connecting us so this is an opportunity to actually find out what are your thoughts about inviting other couples for shabbos or other couples for dinners and so forth and what is the proper balance between my wife my kids my own personal issues my halachic when things are conflicting to each other i want to go to a minion every single day i want to go to a weekly sheer i don't want to go to sleep without learning my shirum my wife wants me to be with the kids i don't want to be selfish what am i supposed to do we had a child i don't know how to balance my child in my marriage i feel like my wife is now a mother i want a wife i don't only want a mother great questions incl inviting other people so of course it's beautiful to have shabbos meals with family and shabbos meals with friends and so forth i would just be cautious sometimes there's a culture of couples going out together and very often it creates negative results where he's thinking about certain things and she's thinking about certain things and there's a lot of comparisons going on and be rubbed very often it doesn't have desirable results so you have to really understand what are you searching for what are you really looking for if there's any element i'm trying to please and impress the other couple and the other guy and the other woman stay far far away from it let me tell you something marriage is very very sacred marriage is very very holy marriage is very amazing and beautiful it's also fragile small things can destroy it it doesn't begin with big stuff it begins with small things to maintain the boundaries of halakhah hilhi khud hilchistsnias russia nakia the way we communicate with people of the opposite gender is so important not because we believe in repression but because we believe in good marriages i was talking to a group of younger light and i said you know if you guys love playing football and i take you to the roof of a big building and you can have a great football game there's only one problem there's no mic there's no fence you're gonna have a miserable football game nobody can tackle anybody because you're afraid the guy is going to fall over the roof and kill himself what's the best thing i can do for you the best thing i can do for you is build a fence kiss khodosh you build a home your young man vossisa not because we want to ruin your football game because we want you to have a geshmaka football game if there's a fence around the roof you can run around knock yourself out tackle each other and you know that you're safe shulchanar is a fence that allows our couple to be able to enjoy life in their deepest most potent powerful way not just spiritually physically intimately there's not a single halal to sap out the creativity the fun the excitement the passion the symmetra's is a good heart is always in a state of feasting the fence is not here to ruin the football game it's here to enhance the football game now you may not see it always that's fine it's important to have people that you can ask you can trust so just be cautious because it's important to maintain the boundaries of modesty people start looking at the other person and they think it's cool and i'm chilled and i don't think i'm just i'm not i'm not a fake vegeta depressed person but from not being a vegeta it's good not to be a veg depressed person but you don't want to be a person who allows fence around your home to be breached and suddenly you wake up a few months later and you know what went through that fence the love is not there the loyalty is not there the dedication is not there and that affects a person's life in a very profound way wow it's 9 33 i think i'm supposed to stop now what are the heavens say am i supposed to stop a lot of questions a lot of questions you feel that your wife became oh you or his wife she's a she's a mother now that's that's you know that's a vulnerable question and you need to share this with her because you both love your child i promise you you both die for your child i'm sure but you want a wife and you have to share this it's a heart it's hard birth means she did become a mother she's not only a wife and you know what you became a father and it's important you know when you stretch when you have a personal trainer who stretches you stretching is painful and building muscle is painful because it tears the tissue fasted 40 or another gear so 100 fasts when he went there to israel to forget talmud bhavali to be able to open himself up to the mindset of tamil urashami whenever we're building muscle we're going into a new zone between one yeash and another yes there's an ayan sir when you have a child first of all marriage is a new yesh there's an eye in the emsa there's getting out of our old comfort zone having a baby is a new yeast there's an eye in bamsa we have to grow into it and there's there's bumps there's bumps you say that to forget talmud powerfully it's a numitzius as a child and you have to recreate a relationship from this perspective and if you could it becomes a much deeper marriage because you have a child together now you're really one in your child you're one rashi says the child because he's made from the father and the mother the chromosomes of tati and mommy so this is a conversation you want to have with her again in a very respectful way and i'm sure again when you're talking about two healthy functional people more or less we're all we all have dysfunctionalities we all have craziness i know that when you're talking about healthy functional people we want to be here for each other this is a conversation piece don't think you can't talk to your spouse about vulnerable things that's what marriage is the good of marriage is to address vulnerable things things that i don't say in my sheer i want to speak to my wife about things that i don't talk about to every person in school i want to be able to speak to my wife about in terms of balancing yiddish kite your marriage your children here again call her nitin alas a respectful marriage we all want to create space for each other's needs if she appreciates that this shear is meaningful for you that davening chakras with a minion is meaningful for you and you appreciate what is meaningful for her you sit down bishop hadas and you create a schedule you create a lifestyle that works for her that works for you and you compromise a little bit she compromised a little bit but from a place of trust from a place of understanding and from a place of celebration don't let it become an anger issue she doesn't understand me she's so selfish she just doesn't get it doesn't care about november she cares about kashmiris and he's out for lunch and he just wants to run to shul because he doesn't like his family we get into the judgment mode i'm judging her she's judging me and that ruins marriages it just ruins marriages i want to tell you something after 10 or 20 years the judgment has now grown so big you are so filled with toxicity towards each other it's terrible nipping in the bud the first year shauna is trying to nip it all in the butt get get it clear 20 to 1 20 positive to one negative you don't want to listen to me you don't want mohammed do my hadrian do 10 to one do 15 to do 50 do 15 to uh to to one to two to three but not more not not more negative and you'll see it'll be different they'll be very different we're struggling what to do with our careers what should we dedicate our life towards i don't know she doesn't know what's our mission statement does it matter which community we move to is just a personal choice are there some things to consider and how do i work on having a good relationship with my mother-in-law when she gets in the way and she tells my wife what to do and i get upset how am i supposed to answer this question when i have a mother-in-law zadehkus mrs from pittsburgh tucker zadekis the that ever says that you have to feel the other person's pain before you can answer right so i have to find it in my figure also okay in terms of careers in terms of careers this is obviously a serious question so obviously ultimately this is a conversation and a decision that you want to have with each other and with yourselves one thing i would say is go deep into your heart and ask yourself you know what lifestyle am i going to be proud of what makes me feel the most alive where is my passion rabbi rabbi sex used to say when you have a passion and your passion meets a need in the world sometimes there are a lot of things the world needs but i'm not interested sometimes there are things i'm not interested but nobody needs it but when you have a passion and there is a need go for it you take the ball and you run i don't need to tell the people sitting here how much they'd ever valued and cherish for people to maximize their potentials i heard from the moisture grown as he was label groener's younger brother and he told me once i'll never forget he didn't like saying names i don't know who it was but he says it was the early years and there was a book in 770 learning he said he was so talented he was just a talented person and a note came out from the middle of the day to this boy and the never wrote three words underlined three times it's of absolute necessity that you maximize your kashraynes you utilize all of your potentials the rebbe could not fathom when people allowed their cashrainers to squander so what i say to you is live life to the fullest and think big think what do i mean think big i don't mean you should hallucinate and fantasize and get upset if you're not like ploying the el money and compare yourself but i mean don't settle for mediocrity don't surrender to quiet desperation you know there's a big question somebody asks here today i was always taught that i want to go on schlittles and i do want to go on schlister's and my siblings aren't schlichters and my parents but today it's so difficult with uh with so little opportunities and it's a very good question and i'm saying this behind shift to career whatever you decide to do we have it in our blood we have it in our blood every one of us in the dna of our blood that ultimately our job is to be nader's lahore to light up the world you are so you are an ambassador of hashem to light up the world you are an ambassador of love light hope wisdom authenticity healing redemption you are an ambassador of avas hashem yires figure out with your spouse what's the best way maybe you'll be able to figure it out now maybe not let me tell you something else about life we cannot predict futures but what we could do is work hard don't be lazy and don't let fear dictate don't let fear dictate be passionate put in the work and hashem will help the opportunities that need to come up for you come up for you take what you have and run with it and don't surrender to mediocrity live life to the fullest so my point to you is think think about think practical but think with sincerity and realize every one of us can have a transformational effect and difference maybe the schlichtas today is taking on new forms it should take on new forms we can't remain anymore in one orbit because there's so many people and there's so many younger light and there's so much talent and there's so many resources and it's sad to be able to say that 70 of these people cannot become powerful leaders in their own way so i say to you don't surrender to mediocrity carpe diem seize the moment suck the marrow out of life because you can live a really really blessed and great life by ezra now of course you have to know your circumstances you have to know your limitations you have to know who you are you have to know who your spouse is i have traveled a lot around the world so i'm just going to tell you a few things that i have seen i have seen many shlokhim tremendous people but it took them 10 years to figure out what they're not good at the first 10 years they did everything every schleeck is a psychologist a therapist a marriage counselor i love aposic a darshan those bar mitzvah lessons runs a camp he's a fundraiser he's also a contractor an architect he's an administrator he's an organizer he's a gabai he's a shamish he's a mum he's a mom and of course a bulkheader [Laughter] and a maven on the kiddish and a stickle caterer and a chef too after 10 years we figure out some things are really not for me you know i'm not an administrator i don't know how to build i'm not an executive i may be not a teacher i don't know how to run a preschool so it's important always you know you know the gemara with shimon ham sunnis i have to be able to say you know this is what i'm really good at this is what i'm not good at but don't let that become an excuse to dull to dull your creativity and to dull your passion think bacholo that if you could throw a party for 187 days you throw a party for 187 days kosher came the venovan has to understand that you live life according to your potentials not according to somebody else's potentials in terms of moving to a community of course every community has its mindless and it's what i would say the key is you want to know if this community is going to bring out the best in you and your wife and your children and what do i mean bring out the best to be able to create a home that's built on the isaitis of tayda of kedusha of halacha and of your shamay because ultimately let me tell you something life is complicated the world is lush and helen vahester there's a lot of challenges and a lot of temptations as children grow up trust me there are many many necessaries in today's world the greatest gift we can give ourselves and gives our children is to create a cocoon an ambiance of kedusha to create a home where a lacuse is beguli where there's a love for toyota and allah for years a home that is safe a home that is edel a home that is secure a home that's saturated with katusha with innocence with purity from sure delay i know every one of us is on a different level different people have different challenges different questions different struggles and but from a very individual place you want to live in a place that's going to bring out the best of you it's a place that's gonna you constantly have to emulate other people and please other people and you're going to downgrade yourself it's ultimately going to impact you you want us a place where you could be humble you could be authentic and you could just build a home that's the community you want to live in and sometimes you may have to make changes you also have to know what's best for your children don't underestimate the role and the impact of is this for your children if your children are doing well in a mice think very very hard before you make that change it's also important what your spouse is going to be doing there what you're going to be doing there so these are all considerations that we have to make and make responsibility and you know what we sometimes make mistakes and we learn from our mistakes and when you learn from your mistakes you can make changes in terms of the mother-in-law so let me just give you general advice do not talk to your wife about her parents in a negative way sometimes she'll tell you something very negative about her father and mother and we're tempted oh yeah your father your mother don't do that it's her parents she loves her parents and at the end of the day you don't want your spouse loathing and despising your parents when she speaks against her parents it's like when you speak about your parents but at the end of the day at the end of the day you want to say hi to everybody at the end of the day is also your in-laws don't fall into the trap ooh she's upset at her father is gay i'm gonna add to the fire and tell her about her father because tomorrow she's her father maybe your father-in-law maybe your mother-in-law and that's why it's always important to be sensitive to be respectful however sometimes boundaries are necessary this is where you have to be wise respectful kind don't make short-term decisions that you're gonna pay a price for i have seen rahman al-islam parents being alienated from children and grandchildren because of stupid macholica i'm not talking about shalom where there is a serious abusive or dysfunctional situation i'm not a regular situation where people sometimes mix in in ways that they don't have to okay so create the proper boundaries the more healthy you are the more confident you are the more you could be michael and the more you can create boundaries for the future i'll tell you a little mice here there was a couple that was going for pesach away and he had a very big challenge because his father and mother would always make comments about him and about his wife and he said i'm not going basic to your parents anymore but she really wanted it she loves her parents her siblings are there was tootman so they went to a therapist i know so the therapist says okay this is what we're gonna do make a list before pesach of every comment your father and mother are gonna make during yamtif and during and when they make it you check it off on the list if it's obviously not check it off physically it's yamtif but it means check it off mentally and then or israel you'll physically check it off check it off and you know what happened it transformed their visit into a fun it became a halacha skit like in camp became a scavenger became oh they're exp here he goes check check check check it almost became a mental gymnastic fun exercise my point is know what to take seriously what not to take seriously don't sweat the small stuff don't turn a little misunderstanding into a third world war you know let's not turn this into a putin ukraine i says although hebrew stop it it's just important zayam mensch there's nothing like being a mensch nothing like being menschlichkite trumps everything and whatever happens in your marriage always be a mention i want to say this the story of the khuffetz there was a majority in radhin a guy got into a machis with somebody and his child got sick heim called them in and said maybe your child got sick because of this much like us you spread sinners and the person was so angry he says i don't care what happens to this child to all the children i'm going to win that's what not as does we get into a traumatized ego space where we're not rational anymore you get into this anger mode you're fighting and this happens often when couples separate or get divorced for someone and they use children as missiles against each other it tears our hearts apart why are you using your children as a missile it's like the guy told the kovalev i don't care if all my kids die but i'm going to win the macholicas you sacrifice on the altar of stupidity of insecurity of irrational trauma and egotism things that are so cherished by you we don't want to go down that path even if things don't work out in your marriage khalilah everything should work out in the best way always remain mentioned always remember that call inyonoxidis call inyonaxidis to be a mensch to have middle stuyves to be a worked out person on hashem not to allow our deep insecurities and wounds to take over our lives and the whole world becomes our enemies or as the rabbi said and the first person is your wife okay my dearest friends wow so many questions let's see the chat is liberty okay there's so many questions so i'll go for another 10 minutes okay here's a question that most people don't like to answer this is questions that came into the chat how do i make time for everything that's expected of me i work six days a week i want to be here for my children but i need to prepare for work i need a daven i learn kritos every day i learn rambam every day i have other sri ram and shasin niggling it's overwhelming to be there for everyone can you please answer my question a few people ask this question and how do i balance between doing what i'm supposed to do like davening learning i want to be a mensch i want to serve hashem i don't want to run back home but my wife wants me home with the kids it's so hard and how do i maintain an inner sense of composure and support for myself and my wife sometimes i'm emotionally overwhelmed i am so reactive to her environment i can't be there for her great great questions great questions okay the kits and nimrods the kits and nimrods it's important to take responsibility for your life in a very serious way i don't know if you know the sichu look out of parishes you could learn that i'm not going to get into it because somebody tells me too many divinity here means if you have an arla tree mixed in with 200 kosher trees it's not bottle why because it's this cavua bottle and bottle when something is connected to its source there's no bittle you cut it off from the tree oh it gets bottled right away when you're makhuber when you're anchored when you're mushrooms in your bottle life does not battle you you have to be anchored what time do you wake up in the morning maybe you have to wake up an hour earlier carve out the time for his bainones carve out the time for avoid the setfilla carve out the time for toyota toyota is oxygen siddhis is oxygen nigla is oxygen feel is oxygen we live in a stressful world when you learn and your typh is the learning and it's it's oxygen when you're involved in learning you're immersed in tighter you're immersed in villa you're a different person your home is a different place so carve out the time so that you should be able to be mahuba every day in the morning you anchor yourself in your atmeyus and siddhas brings you have to go to yourself every day you have to be anchored and then why bottle and then the vicissitudes of life and work won't destroy you they won't overwhelm you but you have to be anchored and it's not easy sometimes it's hard sometimes you'll be a little tired but make that schedule make that time in terms of your wife as i said earlier it's these are conversations we have to have with each other explain to her your passions explain to her what you need for oxygen if your wife would say i need to go exercise every single day for my sanity great this is what we do for each other and i need exercise for my sanity and i need this for my sanity and this is this is what being a couple is all about and you figure out with your children as well especially as the children are growing up one piece of advice i would say is make a time in your calendar five to six five to seven six to eight six to nine there's no phone there's no phone the phone is in the drawer not vibrating volume in the drawer and this is the time you sit with your children and you play you do homework and you're fabring and you play piano and you schmooze and you dance and you enjoy each other my son is here and nodding he's like yeah listen to what you're saying tati don't be a hypocrite yeah [Laughter] it's great to have older children who are listening to my shooting not any more babies in the yeah so you're saying i should my son says i should listen to my own advice so this is this is very important people a person once told me my kids i have all the time in the day but it's not true you're at work you don't have all the time in the day when they call you you say you're busy so i say treat them like you treat a client like you treat a customer in your insurance company you give them an hour from five to six give them an hour give them two hours and you know what those two hours are muktish for our relationship and then in the house generally you want to have a vira of what does the house look like by dinner it's important to have meals as a family together you could prepare jokes stories quizzes a shabbos table prepare for a shabbos table not everybody wants to say divided not all of the kids are good at it some yes i'm not sing together bring out a treat every shabbos create a beautiful ambiance don't turn the shabbos table into a stressful experience you want it to be a beautiful warm cozy experience and you have to put work into that so these are just some some some points that i think could be could be helpful i have a friend of you he's a very very big businessman and he loves learning and he has kids and some of his kids you know give him a run for his money and he told me he wakes up four o'clock in the morning and he learns a vlad gemara and he learns three prakhim rambam and he learns uh asika and he darvens and then he goes to work a few hours later and he's masliyah the evening is dedicated to his family and he goes to sleep early you know what are there exceptions or exceptions now if you live in a big community every night there's an impression but if you live in crown heights it's sometimes hard that's where you have to be anchored sometimes you have to go on for five minutes sometimes you have to go for three minutes and you have to go for 15 minutes but just be responsible sometimes you make changes and you adjust i'm sorry to ask this question when should divorce be considered khalilah if er every other option we want to experiment with if every other option was exercised and there's nothing to do then it should be considered if there's children especially you really really want to do anything to save a marriage but here is the deal ultimately the husband and the wife have to make this decision you have to look at two things the pros and the cons what are the pros to stay together what are the cons to stay together what are the pros to leave and what are the cons to leave remember sometimes it looks greener at the other side and it's not so this is something you want to make a decision about from a place of empowerment not from a place of anger and weakness i'm going to say one more thing i see you in the light who come to a mashpia come to a friend and they're having issues in the marriage they get angry they have they lash out they they sometimes they go crazy and people say you have to start davening with a minion you have to start learning more you have to learn tanya you have to learn sickness you have to learn beautiful advice and you know what it doesn't help why the guy knows everything he means well he's an electrician he has a blockage inside that he's unaware of zaba attica exodus explains that sometimes we have primal emotions that are very very deep and when there's a distortion on that level my psyche is distorted my psyche is distorted and this guy doesn't want to get angry at his wife he doesn't want to be an irrational irrational obsessive control freak he doesn't want to be a narcissist but the poor guy is stuck in his own quagmire he doesn't even have peria and he doesn't know that he doesn't have clear and the first thing and that's his prayer is become aware of how stuck you are and go for help real help and sometimes talk therapy is not good for you the trauma didn't come in through conversation the trauma is pre-verbal it came in when you were four years old three years old tweeted it's pre-verbal que boiler you don't need soya you don't need ham and you need libun we got to get it out and you could save a lot of marriages from this because i don't see bad people today very very little i see broken people i don't think we're bad people trying to become good we're broken people trying to become whole where is the sich about poland it should be utes kislev you could listen to it on tape of a fella [Music] can you share with us more practical tools your tools were amazing but how to make this all practical can i vent to my wife can i my can i complain about my day can i speak about my struggles does it show weakness i want to be a man i want to be close i want to be connected i was told that i can't complain about my day i want my spouse to be open with me and tell me everything but she sometimes hides from me she doesn't tell me what she's going through she doesn't tell me about random things she doesn't tell me what bothers her we are told in hussein classes that our wife is not our therapist and we need to be manly we have to be masculine we have to be healthy we have to be strong but i am vulnerable and i want to complain about my day wow great great question i love this question so ania cotton oymer lovedavka i i'm not sure you know people think that being manly means you don't have emotions you don't have feelings you're just a robot you're a mighty masculine warrior who feels nothing and you are as tough as nails we are as emotional as women we are as sensitive as women we are as vulnerable as women we have been taught not to show it and not express it and if you have a spouse with whom you can share this ash and let her know that you are the husband that she could share with ashrae ashraf khalkem now there are sometimes a few experiences in life that you have to think if it's appropriate to share it with your wife because it may damage her in a way that it can damage the relationship you have to also know maybe you have to ask somebody who's an expert in this but ruben coculum of course you want to share this it doesn't show weakness it shows humanness it shows sensitivity this is what makes people close what allows a couple to become close what allows to become a common governor he lets her into his life you let your wife into your life and she lets you into her life constantly ongoing basis and that's the tools you're looking for the tools i was giving before are these tools this is what you want to practice and when we do that showing vulnerability you become more manly you become more respected she knows who you are she feels your soul you feel her soul this is where you connect this way you can be here for each other of course you could speak about your struggles of course you could complain about your day of course you can vent to your wife that's this is the essence of marriage this essence of a relationship you can hear everything you could think out loud you can be honest you can be authentic what does he say to say what's dirib and what's deer what's deeri remember dalton rebecca said what's diriba namadiri is a place that you could just be as it ever once said usually and every other place you have to be with lavusham but there is a place where you could just be without the worship atmos without garments i'm talking here spiritual garments psychological garments a home is a place where you want to just be able to be be you be natural be organic be ornate you can be she can be and you're here for each other and then your children could be and there's an atmosphere of no judgment of course you could vent and i'm not gonna control your emotion i'm gonna tell you what to think and what not to think and it's wrong to feel this way and really you had a great day that's not what we do we listen we feel each other we empathize with each other we create a haven of safety and then from there we grow together it's called co-regulating each other i co-reg i regulate you you regulate me i can fall into your arms you could fall into my arms we could support each other absolutely absolutely this is so important and that's why that's why you both want to encourage each other to be in this space now sometimes one of you is having a harder time that's fine don't judge them don't get angry and now if you're getting angry you're getting angry be aware of that anger i'm telling you don't but you are one of the worst things we could tell somebody is don't think this way don't feel this way but i am so the important thing is not don't the important thing is notice it watch it have compassion for it and then you can make a choice will i follow down that path or will i allow myself to think about it broadly how do i cope with challenges brought on me because my wife is becoming pregnant and we're married over a year and it creates different challenges on different levels and how do i deal with various conflicting reports and thoughts about intimacy between a husband and a wife great question and the answer to this is it's important to remember that hashem wants couples to be happy and to enjoy each other with their shaman adam knows heaven says different periods in life different seasons in the month different seasons of the year call for different types of relationships but each season allows the relationship to be fine-tuned and developed in a better and deeper and more authentic way is not here to stifle relationships allah is here to fine-tune relationships it's like fine-tuning a piano or a violin and there's different strings and different chords different seasons of the months and the year allow us to exercise different muscles of relationships sometimes through speech and sometimes through favors sometimes through physical expression and sometimes through spiritual expression and that way we create an inner wholeness and nobody is excluded from this and different people have different needs and different dreams and different aspirations and different ways that they imagine things and you know what like the rebbe once said kennedy taylor doesn't speak about one child toyota has space for every single one of our men and every single one of our women nobody is excluded in each one there's an echo and you have to find it and if you think toad only speaks to one child and not to the other three children then you don't know toda toyota has a unique message for every child every young man wherever you are in the world toyota has what to say in a way that is cut of illegal to make your life meaningful exciting purposeful energized empowered enjoyable physically intimately psychologically emotionally spiritually lmi sometimes we're not connected to the right people [Applause] you have to find somebody that you trust who understands you is empathetic to you who's sensitive to you around a rabbits in a mashiach somebody who's an expert who can really guide you in various questions that you may have about this but somebody who understands who you are and what you need because even though the shulhanara is for everybody but there's so many nuances there's so many different aspects and different dimensions and different halogens and different min hugging and different applications to different people in different situations and different madregas and therefore we have to tune into each person but for each person there are amazing answers that can help you in your marriage i would like to invite you and your eberson for a shabbos meal so we could learn the 20 positive to one negative i do not think it's practical [Laughter] okay first of all thank you so much for the invitation you can also come to us for a shabbos meal okay you'll email me and we'll invite you to a shabbos meal but the truth is it is practical i'm telling you try it and you'll see i heard from two respected rabbis the only difference between the first year and the later year is the kittle why is there so much emphasis on shauna is china everywhere the answer is it's just a good opportunity to create a foundation that will sustain us throughout life but you're right what we learn in the first year we have to learn in the future years as well the only thing i would say is when we figure out our own internal insecurities the first year and the triggers we could solve so many problems that's why you are lucky that you're starting off and you're getting a device that's going to help you look into yourself rather than blame her or blame him your son is an emissary of light love truth and a carrier of the clarion call of physical rest time that's needed to meet the shrina thank you question my wife finds me boring and i find myself missing the single life i liked it much better than marriage my wife is perfectly fine but i don't enjoy married life it's too much to ask of one person i don't only want one person and she finds me boring wow i have to start relating to this question your wife finds you boring i'm not laughing i'm not laughing at you i'm just thinking about the question i'm going to answer you with a story a jew came a jew came today in stein's and he says to him i find davening so boring every day the same words and if hadin says the words are the same but the person is different every day so the way you experience the words are different and if you experience the words every day in the same way then it's not the davening that's boring then it's you boring and what i want to say to you is i don't know what that really means are you a boring person i mean if you're alive how can you be a boring person i don't know what that means i mean but selamat every person is created in hashem's image so you're an imprint of hashem how could you be boring if i find somebody boring it means that i'm boring because in every person there's a glow now there's different types of people there's people that share similar frequencies or wavelengths as people who share similar interests similar passions but every person has a real uniqueness so what i would suggest is that you guys get to know each other a little better because probably if you get to know her deeper and she gets to know you deeper i think the boredom issue will be taken away now you say that you're really missing single life and you really liked it much better than marriage even though your wife is perfect and i say marriage doesn't mean you don't have other relationships you can have other very meaningful and rich relationships with family members with friends with chavrusas with mentors with teachers but marriage is something very special that you share with your spouse and and see it that way it's a gift it's an opportunity if marriage is taking you away from any other relate every other relationship then it's not appropriate a husband wants to celebrate when his wife goes out with her friends or with her mother or with her sisters or with her family members or community members and a wife wants to celebrate when her when her husband is close to his friends and to his mother and to his father and to his siblings and to his rabbanim and javrus this is how we celebrate we don't we don't control other people and we don't have a better relationship when we keep you tied down so it's important to be able to explore all of this i hear everything you're saying but it contradicts what i was taught that man is a mashpiyya and woman is a macabre great question mashbiya and makable doesn't mean you give give give give give and she takes takes takes takes takes do you think a woman doesn't give in a marriage and only takes as far as i know the woman is the foundation of the home base to you still the basic base you know this [Music] the woman creates the home the example for this is a child a man is mashpia a seed a tip into the wife and what does she do she's just metabolite she's metabolite and she turns it into a living organism she's macabre and then she gives you back a living child that's the macabre she is she receives in the recent and she completely transforms it it's like earth mother earth it says in the garrison the rain is the tippa that comes from heaven the earth just takes in water and that's it the water stays in the earth no the earth takes water and what does it do it gives you an apple tree an orange tree watermelons cantaloupes legumes sprouts vegetables fruits by the prayer age by the priya the earth takes in what you give and it transforms it completely and gives you back a child comes you have to plan the kalamaya trip you're the mashbiya come summer you have to plan summer plans but then you'll share with her the plans she'll already take it she'll show you that 90 doesn't make sense she'll take the other 10 percent transform it and come up with a solid plan i'm just saying that humorously doesn't always work that way but that's the point when you say mushby and the kabul doesn't mean the man gives the woman just takes you give she takes and that's it mashbia means that a woman wants the man to show up to be a leader to be proactive to be present and her hushes that she could contain you but she could continue with all your weaknesses with all your vulnerabilities that doesn't make you any less mashpia let me ask you a question i had this supposed to be for years at the rebels fabregas that ever would sometimes cry very often you think when we saw that ever weep i remember that everyone's wept for a half an hour since his toyota in close to a half an hour the rabbit is weeping like a baby you think we thought to ourselves wow i thought that ebba was strong and powerful and a manager oh why is he crying on the contrary that's where you saw that in his full authenticity you saw the manager syrah whose heart is beating with love and care for every jew you saw the person you saw the neshama that's where you see it means i see some detached man sitting in an ivory tower who's unmoved mashp means he's fully present he's more vulnerable he's connected he's attached the uniqueness of a woman is she can become a containing presence and contain it and give back to you something you could have never imagined that you would have received you could learn the my merlot this is explained more in oysters my wife had a miscarriage i can't relate to her experience i don't know how to be there for her thank you for sharing that this is an important piece every parent experiences a tragedy differently what the miscarriage means to her is not what it means to you and the other way you look out two windows but it's so important to be able to respect for her this experience because remember this says was her child it was in her body her body already had myself sniffers to develop and contain this child and then the body said it's not going to work out said there's no potential here and that's a big loss it's a big loss it says in svadham of kabbalah that the shiva's with his blood because the uterus is broken is connected to availas for the potential of a child born that was shattered kosher can when there's a miscarriage and exodus it says that there's a neshama that had to come down and it it it couldn't land all the way in oil hazard because the nine months is which is the nine months every month the neshama descends another level until the ninth month is malchus and then there's kriyasyam and the baby can be born by zinasha so this is a serious process and you need to open yourself up to her as i said before a containing presence a containing silent presence her womb ejected the child now you need to become a recom that could contain her pain over what happened to her can you share your contact information rabbi y at the yeshiva.net rabbi y yy at t h e y e s h i v a dot net as a child i loved sports when i was a baker i pushed it away i got married my wife doesn't know how much i really love sports after a bit of marriage i started to get involved again it bothers my wife she doesn't like that i'm involved in sports it's not yiddish kite it's not siddhis more importantly it takes time away from my family life i cannot stop following sports it's part of who i am it's my outlet what should i do it gets her very annoyed so listen at this moment in your life you know everyone grows in their life but at this moment in your life if this is for you a very very important outlet okay so have compassion for this outlet but what's very important is to be able to have a genuine conversation with your wife about this and speak to her about your passion help her understand where you're coming from most important she shouldn't see this as you being khashwa shalom alienated from her you want to be able to build up each other you have your passion she has her passions and you want to be supportive of each other have compassion for her and help her see your perspective so that she can have compassion for you if it's really taken away from the family that i would be more concerned about in other words if it's practically interfering into the relationship with the wife and the children maybe you can readjust your schedule with this area in this area so that it's not affecting them i was not taught this way in my earlier years and in my classes i was taught to give to listen and never to put my struggles on her do i really have to put my struggles on no this is not putting your struggles on her this is building a genuine relationship with her she cannot solve your struggles you can solve your struggles but she can be a mecobull and help give you the love and empowerment that a spouse does like nobody else in the world what's the healthy balance of discussing financial struggles i don't want to make her feel annoyed and frustrated and stressed how do we talk about budgeting and holding a husband in life she comes from a home where she had whatever she wanted i'm not that person i have a hard time making a living i can't buy your everything and anything i feel bad bringing it up great great question [Music] great question the answer is you don't want to bring it up as something to cause agma's nephesh and pain you want to bring it up as a source to become closer and you want to invite her you want to say listen i would love to be able to have an ongoing genuine conversation with you about our finances but i don't want to stress you out if this is going to stress you out it's fine we don't have to have that conversation and allow her to make the decision and then you could share from a mature understanding place you listen to her needs understand her needs and remember don't judge have compassion for her let her have compassion for you and together you'll figure it out by azir hashemi's baruch and have tremendous harvest hadas my dearest friends there's many many more questions but i think it's time for a little break so i will send you my love and my blessings and blessings for brochure to be able to build beautiful homes pulsating with kedusha with love with ava and to conclude i once saw a letter from the rabbit young man and he said to him these words that the nasirinas that you have in shalom bias prove to me that this is one of the main reasons why your soul came down into this world and he said in this generation as we're preparing for the nisuyan between hashem and classes israel it's the time to work on our shalom bias so remember the challenges that we have on shalom bias is sometimes demonstration that this is your schliches your wife will challenge you and stimulate you and help you become the person you're capable of becoming she'll bring out the best in you and remember in our generation it's the solemn bias that creates a world where they can be the ultimate shalom by us the number one such how will the wolf lie with the lamb the garza even kevis how the answer is when the wolf will lie with the lamb inside of me the nephew shall a kiss of the nephesh bahamas the animals inside of me when they'll be bin ishli ishta the whole world will get the memo thank you very much remember if you want ask personal advice rabbi y at the yeshiva.net zeitgeist it was a pleasure and a privilege when afraid shabbos this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at www dot the yeshiva.net slash donate