Why Pushing Yourself Isn’t Working (And What Actually Does), Inner peace with Coach Menachem

Hello and welcome. Welcome everyone to another Wednesday night. The fundamentals to gain inner peace with your host coach Mafeld. The title why pushing yourself isn't working. And what actually does? It's a great question. What does work? Now, by now you should see some pattern. You could see how you work. You've been around. You see how you push yourself or it's sometimes too hard and you give up. So, just uh stopping to notice stopping and noticing that's important. Just to notice how do I work and what comes up? Do I feel overwhelmed, overworked, underwhelmed? Sometimes we just give up. We want to do it. We want to do it. And you've been talking about it and tried and nothing. And you're not getting there. You're not reaching the goal. You're not sure what to do. So you just give up. We get that attitude of yeah, I want it, but whatever. Let's not talk about it. It's a painful topic. So just being aware there's what's going on. What we want to get to is to have some emotional regulation. So for you to notice the emotions, notice those feelings that come up and probably why you're not doing or you're you're not doing those steps is because of some feeling inside of you, a thought or feeling. So by noticing and seeing what comes up, hopefully we can regulate. You're aware that you're nervous. You're aware that your body is shaking. You're aware that you're tense. Beautiful. So we can regulate the emotions and relax our nervous system and then to see what step do I want to take? What step could I take? And like we discussed pushing for some people pushing works but the question is did you make a conscious decision to push or you're you're you're pushing yourself. You're like you don't even want to listen to what's going on inside of you. There's too much going on just pushing and doing the work and doing the work which the outside it looks like it's working because you're doing the work but when you come home when you leave shop when things quiet down like what's that feeling? Some people just don't feel good. It's too much. So So here we are. So before we start, let's take a moment just to stop notice. Where am I now? Let's get grounded. Just one deep breath and then another. Both feet on the floor. And just becoming aware of what's going on. in my life. What's going on in my day? What does my day look like? Again, no judging, just noticing. And then turning inwards to see what does my body feel? How often do you give yourself permission to just stop and notice and just be one deep breath can make a difference and just noticing can make a difference even if you're not changing anything with compassion just some compassion like wow you look very overwhelmed you feel so overwhelmed what's going Uh maybe you can listen the mic share. A deep breath in and out. Beautiful. Okay. So, let's make it more practical. something in your day, something that's going on that you feel that you want to get it done. You're middle or you're not giving up, but it's hard. Something that you're pushing yourself and you don't want to get to a place of burnout, but just to notice of how you feel something. It could be something big, something small, or maybe it's something you're avoiding. because it's because of what's going on. So obviously something is holding you back. Something is not working. And we want to try to figure that out. Cuz if it would be working, beautiful. If it works, it works. But you see yourself overworked, overwhelmed, or it's just too much. Just too much. So hopefully you could think of something because we all have those things and I would say anytime you push yourself out of your comfort zone, anytime there's we know the growth is out of our comfort zone, you're going to encounter these things because this is what it is. It might be a challenge, a fear, you never did it. Who knows what's going to happen? So all of that, see what what what comes up for you. And also pushing doesn't always have to mean that you're actually pushing yourself to do the work. Sometimes pushing is mentally in your mind. I mean, you can be sitting quietly on the couch and it looks like you're really in a relaxed state, but inside your head, there's something pushing and not allowing you to really let go, to really take a deep breath for a few minutes. Something inside is pushing. So again, it could be the thoughts, all our thoughts that are pushing us, negative thoughts. Some examples of that thought is, "Why am I still busy? Why didn't it work? Why what's taking so long? What's wrong with me? I need to get it fixed. It's been already two weeks. Just get over it." All of this is something inside of you that's just not letting you be. It's pushing. Now, again, if pushing would work, you would probably finish and on to the next. But many times we sit with these thoughts. It could be for days, weeks, or months. And we're like, just push. And then when you feel this way, the pushing part could say stop feeling this way. So there you go. You hear that voice pushing yourself. So just becoming aware of that, becoming aware of that, the thoughts, becoming aware of how you feel. Many times you feel it in your body. So again, even if you're sitting on the couch, you could feel that your shoulders are still, you know, holding on to something. You can't let go. You feel the inner pressure and you can't get to that. Just relaxing your nervous system. Your body basically feels like a threat. There's something that needs to change, something that has to happen. There's an urgency. You're not in a safe place. Keep on going. Let's go. Why don't you do it? Why you lazy? Oh my, that's heavy. So even if you actually finally do take some action, it's coming from a place of that heavy pushing yourself, which is like again, it's hard. And that's why many times we burn out even after you do the work. I speak to many people that outside they're doing the work. They're still doing it. They're showing up. But when they go home, they're burnt out. So there's burnout. There's freeze or giving up. So it's important to see how do you react. So again, think about that one thing that's been a while. Did you escape? Did you lean out and you're not doing it? Or you're pushing yourself and your mind, whether you're taking steps or you're not taking steps, but your mind is pushing and pushing. Basically saying you're lazy, good for nothing. Why not getting it done? Let's go. So let's give it some space. And then there is the other end. You sit down on the couch and there's nothing going on. That means you basically gave up. It's interesting to be to notice, you know, you could again you have two people sitting on the couch. One person is sitting there and in his mind, I'm not supposed to be here. There's so much I have to do. Why am I taking off a few minutes? Let's go. Keep on going. So that's that pressure inside. And the other person is sitting there really nothing going on because he gave up. I can't do it. It's not working. It doesn't matter. Who cares? Whatever. So these are two ways of reacting to situation when somehow you can't figure it out. It's hard hard to do the work, hard to do what you have to do and uh you're disregulated. Your emotions just get disregulated. So that's the only way one way one way is to fight and the other way is just to freeze. And you speak to people again could be they're doing the work but they're shut down. There is no energy in there. They're working from a place of just it is what it is. Gave up. So that's freeze. Giving up. So giving up and pushing are often the two ways how we turn around and turn our backs. We don't want to look at ourselves. We don't want to look what's really going on. It's too hard because when you slow down, it might be, you know, who knows what's going to come up. So, might as well just keep on pushing or just give up. But tonight, in a safe place with compassion, we can slowly look what's going on. What's really going on behind all of that? We learn how to stop take a deep breath and say, "I'm realizing that I'm not regulated. I'm giving up or I'm pushing myself too much. What's going on?" So, if you can have a few minutes with yourself, pen and paper, slow it down with compassion, and ask yourself what's going on. That's it. And then you might hear the fear. What's if it's not perfect? Whatever comes up. And let's stop for a moment and think what comes up for me. What comes up for me? Just a second. Okay. Very good. You want to feel motivated, but you just feel blah. So, where would you put blah? I would give that, you know, a little bit of pushing, but probably a lot of just gave up or whatever. And again, you can still feel something inside of you that you know you have to and you tried and it's not working. So you can be aware of both. Beautiful. So the pattern that we're looking for is step number one is to be able to regulate. Just take a deep breath. Just notice, notice what comes up in your body. Then you want to clarify what's going on. Yeah, you could say, "I want to do this. I've been trying for a while and I'm not getting anywhere." Just be aware. If you can do that, if you can regulate and then clarify, then eventually you'll be able to go to stretch just a little bit. one step, but it's important first to be able to regulate and to clarify. So, what I would say is take a pen, write it down on a piece of paper, and put it in front of you. Just see it. Like we mentioned, let's say there's a conversation at work, at home. Just write it down. There's some communication I have to take care of and I'm not, it's too hard for me. Write it down and put it in front of you. Now take a deep breath, look at it and say, "Wow, yeah, I see." And then look inside what your body feels when you imagine doing it and just be aware. Taking a deep breath and stopping that itself could help you regulate. And then to clarify, ask yourself, what's the fear? Just sit there, let it talk. And then eventually you can stretch eventually you can take one step. So let's um take one example over here before we go to your question if you want to ask just a minute. So, the example of a difficult conversation, whether it's at work, a family member, there's something going on, it's bothering you, and you would love to sit down and talk about it. However, you've been pushing it off for a long time, and it's bothering you. Okay? So, let's just be aware. Let's regulate. Notice the feeling. Notice your heart racing, maybe tightening your chest. Slow down. Take a deep breath and just look at it and feel it. You feel uncomfortable. That's right. All that fear, let it come up. By just sitting with it, you can slowly take a deep breath and slow down. And then to clarify, why do I want to have this conversation? Why does it matter? Is it because I want to win or I want to be correct or there's something we need to work out. And just be honest. You might say, "I want to get them back. Just be honest. Let's see what's going on." You get to that place where you could just I want to figure things out. you know just to understand the other not to control. So just to clarify why is it that you want to do the work? Why is it that you want to have that conversation? And instead of constantly in your head saying, "Go, go already. Do it. You have to do it already. Take care of it. Take care of it." Why not? Instead of that, you can say, "Maybe I'll do it tomorrow." And now it's hard and that's okay. If you can do that, then eventually when you decide to have a conversation, not that it's going to be easy, but you're walking into the room from a more relaxed place, you can slow down. You can say, "Can we talk for a few minutes?" So they don't feel threatened. I'm just trying to clarify. I want to understand what you meant. Versus if you come in with that push and the the fear and all that negative all the those emotions that are not regulated when you walk into that room everybody feels it and you can imagine what it looks like after a minute. Okay. So we'll uh anybody want to ask a question? I can unmute if you want. Raise your hand and I'll I'll mute you ask and then we'll go to another example. Did you want to ask uh orit? No. Good. Beautiful. Okay. So, let's go to the next example. And if there's any questions, you let me know. You'll let me know. Then here's another example. Second. So this example is doing a task. Okay, think of a task that you're pushing pushing off for a while or it's too hard. A project, even doing exercise, a workout, something that you want to do and you're just pushing it off. Beautiful. So instead of finding yourself in a place where you're saying, "Why are you so lazy, you know, working out as a good example? You want to work out, you know, you want to work out and you're just not doing it. It's been two weeks, you're not working out. Why are you so lazy?" So, that's the pushing that you're pushing yourself. So, let's take a deep breath and see what's coming up. Why is it? What is it? that makes you feel this way. Okay. So once you become aware of the feeling of that heavy feeling of the belief that I can't do it right, I never do it. I'm going to push it off. I don't want to do it. All of that. So if you can take a deep breath and become aware of that and become aware of the feeling, that's it. without trying to change it. Even taking a deep breath and seeing those emotions can help you slow down, relax. So that itself just notice. The next step is to clarify why do I want to do exercise? Why do I want to do this project? What is it that I want to do it? Why does it matter to me? or what am I afraid of? What's holding me back? And then you can ask yourself, maybe there's something small I can do. But first notice, take a deep breath. Just become aware of what's that wall standing in the way. that heavy wall you're trying to push and it's not working so you can stop become aware and then eventually you can get to a place where you can stretch a little bit. You don't have to do the whole thing. It doesn't have to be perfect. Take one step. Make that phone call. Start the conversation a little bit. You don't have to finish it tonight. one step. That's the little stretch that we want to give ourselves. A little stretch instead of I have to do this old thing tonight, which you've been telling yourself probably the past few weeks and you didn't do it because you have to do everything at once. You could ask yourself, how much time do I have now? Maybe 10 minutes. Beautiful. 10 minutes I can focus and do this the work. 10 minutes I can do exercise. That's it. And tomorrow maybe you'll do just another 10 minutes. Something that you can do without that heavy those emotions, those thoughts that say you're lazy, you can't do it, you're never going to do it. Let's slow that down. Let's notice it. find the strength that we're looking for inside of us and take one step. Just one little stretch. So that's be able to regulate, clarify, and then to stretch. Okay. So that's it for tonight. Any questions? If you want to ask, you can ask. Raise your hand. I'll unmute you. Hello. Hello. >> Hi. So, I put I put my question in the in the chat, but it's very hard to I usually don't speak uh live, but I I need to clarify something because what we're discussing, it could be a task, it could be a relationship, it could be organizing one's finances. like I believe and I'd like to understand there's a whole different attitude mindset and perhaps resources that we need to reach out to for help in in taking on in I don't want to use the word confronting I forgot the word but you know and in taking on starting that task in resolving that relationship or starting the conversation in moving in in moving ahead with one's job. Uh >> in my case, it's like organizing, decluttering after my children who are young adults have there's so many levels. Perhaps you can give us some landscape, some things. >> Beautiful. Thank you. >> So, so what you're bringing up is first of all, if it's something big, you're right. Many times, let's say, uh, in a in a relationship, many times you can't do it yourself. You need a third party that could help you. And that's that's true. And that's important to say, you know, in your situation, whatever it is, many times you just can't do it yourself. So, if you reach out to somebody, very smart move. Um, so for our conversation, it's something that um, you would love to give it a try by yourself. So it's something that you've been putting off for a long time. So cleaning, let's say cleaning that room is a good example. You have a room in your house that it's been maybe a few months that you know that you have to do it. And maybe you went in once or twice, tried a little bit, but that's it. Now, it's a good example to stop for a moment and see what comes up for you. So, in your mind, believe it or not, you're probably walking around could be like in the back of your mind that you have to go clean that room. You got to go clean that room. When are you going to clean that room? And it's really, you know, it's like a a brick. You might not be aware of it, but it's something that's I want to do it and I have to do it and I should have done it and I didn't do it and it's like oh and that's obviously not working. So that's what we're trying to shift. So the step number one is to actually see that task. Okay, the task is to clean the room. If I look at the whole room at once, it's just not possible. If you look at the whole room at once, you just notice what comes up for you. You feel your body shutting down or it's overwhelmed or you're like your mind is racing. So that's beautiful. Just notice that. So what I would say is you take a pen, write it down on a piece of paper, cleaning that room, put it on the table, and just sit there. Take a deep breath and observe and notice. Sit with what comes up. What comes up? It might say, you know, you're so lazy, you could do it. Why? All of that's beautiful. That's step number one. That's the pushing. Then you want to regulate. So you take a deep breath and say what's really coming up for me. It's why is it not why hasn't it happened till now? So you let the thoughts you let it talk. You say it's too much. I don't know even know where to put it. I don't know where to start. Or who knows what I'm going to find there. Who knows what it's going to bring up or beautiful. So you notice what's holding you back. Compassion, holding space for yourself. And uh there's no right or wrong. You're there. You're listening. And after that, you could say, "Wait a second. What's something small that I can do? Maybe one shelf or a half a shelf." And then your mind might say, "Just doing a half a shelf is nothing. It's a huge room. There's so much to do. So notice that." So, you're saying, so you can talk back to your mind, say, "Oh, you're saying I should do the whole thing at once or not do it at all?" Those are your two options. I hear you, but you know what? Let's try just a little bit. This stack of papers, just a few books, put it into a box. You go in, you know, after you feel regulated, you feel more relaxed, you're in control, and you decide to take that stretch. You're not pushing yourself because you're lazy. You're noticing everything that comes up and then you're saying, you know what, what's something small that I can do? And then you take it is a stretch. It is might not be easy. You might feel the anxiety. That's okay. You go spend 10 minutes in there and you get something done and then you walk out and go get yourself a nice cup of tea. Meaning celebrate. Tomorrow is another day. And if you find tomorrow 10 minutes, beautiful. It might be in two days, but you see the difference. Something that has hasn't happened the past few months and now well I started doing a little bit at a time. Is it easy? No. But small steps I can do. So hopefully that clarifies a little bit. Yeah. >> Um, thank you very much. I just I found the word. It's not confront. And you answered the question beautifully. The word I was trying to search for is tackle. When you start with that tiny step, that one shelf tackle. So I like that beautiful fits into everything. Thank you very much. >> Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. So everybody in their situation, whatever is going on, hopefully you can find, you know, first find yourself. Don't run away. Fighting. Freeze is running away. You don't want to you don't want to have a conversation with yourself. So I'm not I can't too much for [clears throat] it's just too much for me. But eventually if you can sit down and look at yourself and say what's going on how you feeling what's coming up with compassion you can be there for yourself and then slowly tackle or 10 minutes small and celebrate afterwards. Don't say, "Yeah, you only did them. It's nothing worth. There's a whole room to do them." That's the voice that's holding you back. That's the pushing voice. So, notice it. Just notice where it's coming from. And say, "I hear you." And again, I I realize you want to do the whole room at once. I see. But let's see what we'll do tomorrow. And then you go on. Okay. Thank you very much. Thank you. Hopefully uh you know eventually we're going to get to pur and pes. There's a lot going on. So if we can learn these skills, make the list, look at it, take a deep breath, enjoy the moment, and hashem we will do what we need to do. Maybe not everything and maybe not perfect, but we'll be doing the work. Thank you. Have a good night. Great week, and I'll see you next week.