Why You Don’t Want to Be Present (And What to Do Instead), Coach Menachem Bernfeld

Welcome everyone. Welcome to another Wednesday night, the fundamentals to gaining a peace with your host Coach Man Bernfield. Why you don't want to be present, why it's a challenge to be present and what to do instead. So, we started last week. I mean, we've been doing this for a while. didn't start last week. But the concept going back to the concept of being in the present moment is not always easy. It can be a challenge. And there's a reason why. Like we heard last week, sometimes being in the present moment can be painful and it's hard. So then the question is, why would I want to be in the present moment? So these are the questions we're asking and that's good just being aware even being aware that I don't want to be in the present moment because of whatever the reason is that's pretty that's pretty much being in the present moment but um yeah seeing it seeing noticing how we do want we don't want why we don't want so that's what it Being in the present moment can bring up a lot of heavy emotions, feelings, and like we mentioned that you're probably running away from something. If you if you're not sure what, then the advice is to sit for a few minutes and not do anything. And you'll see why you it's hard to stay there. See what comes up. What are the thoughts? What are the feelings? It can bring up grief, loneliness, disappointment, fear. Everybody has something else. It doesn't have to be big. It could be small. And the concept of grief we discussed doesn't have to mean that you lost a a loved one. It's just even if life is not going the way you would want. That's a grief process. You're in a state of I just don't like the way it is. So why would I help you come back to this moment if you don't like this moment? You don't like the way it is. So yeah, stopping and becoming aware is hard. And we learn how to distract distract ourselves, to stay busy, um to numb, right? Fight and flight. Many people uh just stay at work, just be busy with work cuz over there he feels a little bit more comfortable. Other people are the opposite. So it's important to just be aware of where where are those spaces in your day that you feel more comfortable and other times you just need to do something maybe uh eat something many times it's emotional needing when the emotions come up. So, it's becoming aware of all of that and uh a little bit of compassion. When you become aware of the painful things and why we're running, can we take a deep breath and have compassion for ourselves? Once we understand that we're running away for a reason because of the pain, it's like, wow, it must be very hard. And that itself is you've just spent a few moments, a few seconds in the present moment becoming aware of what you're running for. Okay. So before we continue, let's get grounded and see if we can come into the present moment. If we can be in the here and the now for a few minutes. Again, many times support helps if we can do this together. sitting together. A lot of people um struggle to do this every day on their own. It takes time till you build up the that space to be there for yourself. So, and that's okay. So, let's do this together with the support with compassion and just coming into the room. Here we are. Feet on the floor. Taking a deep breath in. And uh I'm just stopping for a moment. I'm seeing where am I coming from? What did my day look like? What does my to-do list look like? What's going on in my mind? And then if we can turn inwards through into our body and notice if by slowing down if anything comes up your body might be in the middle of rushing because that's what it's used to. And by just taking a deep breath and slowing down, your body's like resisting like, uh, I'm not used to this. Just notice how it feels. And stay there. We're not acting. We're not doing anything. We're just noticing. And if you listen to the recording many times, you might just say, "No, this is not for me. Bye." Just notice and notice what comes up. He's talking too slow. Yeah, I know this. I don't need this now. But what we're doing now is slowing down, going into our body, and seeing what our body feels. And there's no judgment, tingling, maybe stress, pit in your stomach, heaviness on your chest, whatever it is, we're not here to change it. Just to notice. Beautiful. Hold another deep breath in and let it all out. Beautiful. Okay. So, here we are. Here we are in the present moment. Noticing where am I? What am I feeling? And many times, what am I running from? So a question that comes up many times is does that mean that I have to stay in the present moment constantly 247 is that what you want for me staying in the present moment well that could be a lot of pressure. No presence being in the present moment is to be aware. Now, when you're aware that you're running, you're aware that your mind is racing. You're aware that you weren't aware the past hour. That's beautiful. And you stop, take a deep breath, and you ask yourself, where am I now? Oh, here I am. Oh, wow. It's been a while. Okay. And then you continue whatever you're doing. You're you're noticing. And then you go back to work or you go back to what you have to do. It doesn't mean that we're 24/7 in a state of awareness. Noticing noticing how we go and we're busy and then we come back. We gently come back. And uh the same concept is with meditation when you just sit down, close your eyes and you want to quiet your mind. So first step is just to notice how your mind is racing. And then you could see it and then you just start thinking of all the things your mind is thinking about and then you come back wait a second let's notice that again instead of getting caught into it we start noticing. So, it's notice and return going back and then could be an hour later again. Where am I? What am I doing? Am I triggered? What just happened? H notice. Notice what comes up. Noticing what comes up. So if you feel that being in the present moment means constant 24/7 being in the present that itself is expecting from yourself from yourself something that's just not possible and then you're judging yourself it's not working I'm not doing it right we're not here to force we're not here to force any anything we just want to take a deep breath relax and notice if you see yourself running. You're aware. Beautiful. Without the pressure, without needing to change anything. It's just coming back to yourself, seeing where am I? What am I feeling? Why am I doing what I'm doing? And going back. And that that only happens if you can slow down, calm down. Whatever you notice, there's no judgment. There's no right or wrong. Because if you're judging yourself, it's just making it worse, making it harder. And you're again inside in your mind busy. Am I doing it right? Am I supposed to be here? Why do I feel this way? Whoa. What's going on? What's going on? So, you notice that your mind is asking all these questions. So noticing that just coming back into the moment with compassion, taking a deep breath, and you might notice things you don't like, and that's okay. And then you might see you're triggered. Somebody said something. Ah, and then you can continue. You can decide, do I want to feel this way? I don't want to feel. How do I want to feel? But you notice. So basically it goes back and forth. We're busy, we don't think about it, and then we come back. Where am I? And we slow down. And then we continue without needing to force anything. There's no right or wrong. It's just this part of the breath. There's in and there's out. Noticing and being busy, then noticing and going back like whatever it is. Now for some people you might notice that you're trying to notice and putting you know forcing something and it's all the pressure notice that just notice okay so I want to stop for a moment if there's any questions put them in the chat we'll take them soon but just to be aware of am I getting it do I have any questions notice do I notice that I have a question and that's Okay, let's go to an example of a child. Something happens and they're upset. If they come to you, they come to the parent that's a healthy child. They feel safe. They can come to the parent and express as much as possible. cry. Whatever it is, whatever happened, the toy broke. Maybe a friend didn't invite them to the party, they lost the game, a friend made fun of them, and they come to you as the parents, sad, maybe angry, full of emotions. And again, I stress that it's that's healthy running to appearance because they feel they can contact the parents. And if they're still coming, that's a good sign. Now, we don't want the parent to to say, "What's the big deal? You'll go tomorrow. What's the big deal? You'll win tomorrow." That's not a reason to cry. Let's find the positive in in in this. Just be positive. It's fine. You'll be fine. Basically, with with these messages, what what's the child picking up that what they're feeling and what's going on is not the way it should be. It's supposed to be different. You know, as an adult, you got to grow up. And the adult is teaching it to the child. They pick it up and they realize and they they might not tell themselves consciously, but the way they are in the moment is not the way it should be. You know, we're supposed to be happy. We're supposed to thank Hashem. We're supposed to feel gratitude, express gratitude. Why are you feeling this way? Whoops. So, I guess the way I'm feeling now is wrong. So it's taking them from their present moment and trying to push them to a different place. Do not stay here. Do not stay with the present experience. Try to numb or change or force a different thing, not the way it is now. So we don't want to do that. What do we want to do? Get down to their level. Notice what's going on. Look at them. And if that's the way they feel, then that's the way they feel. Be there. Be there for them. You might say, "Oi, what's going on?" "Oh, wow. That must be hard." Yeah, I see you're really upset. H there's no changing. We're not trying to fix to rush analyze. We're not in our mind. We're in our body. We're there with them. And they feel sad. They feel angry. You're there. And you accept you're in the present moment. This is how they feel. That's how they feel. That must be very hard for you. Wow. What happened? So, we notice and we're there. We go down to their level and the child feels seen. Somebody understands them. They don't feel alone. And they feel safe enough to feel. They feel safe to be in the moment. They feel safe. There's no judgment. If this is how they feel, that's fine. It's important to notice the parent sometimes has a hard time with the emotions that come up, whether it's the child's emotion that triggers the parents emotions. So, they they don't want to stay there. It's like they need somebody else to come down to their level and be there for the parents. But, we're not there yet. We're there. We're here now for the child. Okay? Okay. And it's important to learn how to do it for yourself so that you can do it for your child. So again, the child is going through whatever is going through. That's what they're experiencing. It's real. They're not pushing anything. Something happened. This is how they feel. They they're not coming to these Wednesday night classes and trying to figure out what's right and what's wrong. They're just experiencing. They're learning life now. It's a 8-year-old. This is where you learn life. And us parents as adults, instead of pushing it away, saying, "No, he's supposed to be different. You got to numb it. You got to tell yourself something else. Just bend down. Look at them. Be there where they are. And they might need a hug. Maybe not yet, but first be there. First be." So that's the present moment. That's really the present moment. What's going on? What's going on now? What's going on? That's it. Where are you now? Wow. This is how you feel now. Wow. It's amazing. What What just happened? Just being there instead of trying to go away. So they feel um what are the four S's? They feel seen, safe, secure, and soothed. Just those feelings that every child would need and we adults also need it just to feel seen. So this is what they feel. child doesn't need any advice. Maybe later they'll discuss what they can do. They don't need to be motivated. Um they don't have to learn out new concepts, maybe a solution. That's not where they need to be. That's not where you want to be. That they are where they are and you want to go into their space and not trying to fix anything as of now. That's being present. So now let's come back to us as adults. When we feel a certain way, how do you relate to yourself? When you find yourself in a space where something is going on, you don't a certain feeling. You might be sad when you find yourself in a sad moment or feeling sad. What's your relationship with yourself? Is it pushing it away? Saying, "No, this is not the way. Let me get busy again. Let's find solutions. Let's let's let's or can I can we get into a space of wow, what's going on? Talk to me. what's going on instead of you got to get over it. You know, you're 40 years old. Yeah, you have you have gone. You know exactly what's going on. Why? Why am I still like this after all these years? I thought it's going to change. Why do I feel this way? Wow, look at that judgment. But this is this is the the secrets. It takes time to realize that you're having a conversation with yourself. This is a relationship with yourself. And the same way you could understand logically that the child doesn't need it. You in the present moment doesn't even need solutions. You don't need to figure out how to run away from it. You can actually be there and listen. But it's uncomfortable. Notice that. Just notice. I'm not asking you to stay there 24/7, but could you notice? At least stop for a moment and notice be there with yourself for yourself to feel seen. But that means something is wrong with me. Oh, where did that come from? Just notice. Wow. Notice what's coming up. So the goal is not to force, not to fix, not to change. Being in the present moment is taking a deep breath and and saying hello. Hi man, how are you? What's going on? Wow. Could we do that for a few minutes? But you don't have to do it all day, but in the middle of the day for a few minutes, can you check in and see how are you? Then you might see you're under stress. It's like, wow, I see what's going on. Wow, that's a compassion. And that's why we need compassion, self-compassion, which is not easy. What does that even mean to have compassion for yourself? So, if we're caught into the story and it's part of us, then we don't like it. Then we want to run away. But if we can separate what's going on, how can I be there for myself so I can be there with compassion? Okay, let's go to questions. Let's see where what the present moment feels like. Okay, all the triggers coming up. Um, many of you signed up for the presence process, the book, which is nice. You can still sign up. They're starting next week Sunday. It's a WhatsApp chat, you know, people doing it together. Basically, it's on your own. You're reading the book and you're doing the breath work. 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the afternoon. Um, but that's really the concept of the present process. He calls it the process. It's a process. It can be a lifetime process. Stuff come up, you learn how to sit with it and let let it integrate so we don't react. So you can send me a uh email or WhatsApp, let me know if you want to join and we'll see how that goes. Many people um claim they can do it for the first few weeks, but after a while the triggers start coming up. So some people give up and that's what we're looking for when you're ready to give up to be able to continue. Not easy. Okay. Okay. Many people when they stop and uh the truth comes up, one of the emotions that can come up is loneliness and loneliness is a discussion and we discussed it once. The question is what are those thoughts? Many people even though they have friends, they have family, they have workmates, they can still find themselves sometimes in a space of feeling all alone in the world. Like, wow, why? Why is that? You might ask. But first, we want to notice just to notice that. So, it makes a little bit easier if we talk about parts. Okay? That doesn't mean that you're lonely. That doesn't mean that you're always lonely. You Hashem have social life. You have people. You have people that love you. You have, you know, all the people around you that you need. But there's a part of you that makes a little bit easier. There's one part of you that feels all along in the world and it's a good time or an exercise to find some time where you can actually spend meet that part and spend some time to ask what's going on. Tell me more. Okay? Okay. And only if you're ready because it it it could feel very depressing if you're talking to a part that feels totally alone alone on this world. That's very sad. That's very depressing. Now, if you the adult is gonna gonna spend a few minutes with that part and that's a part of you, then you have to know how to do that because if not, you get pulled in and then you can't even continue doing what you need to do that day because you're all feeling down and depressed and sad and lonely and all the feelings come up. So, for beginners or you know, you can reach out to somebody that could help you. You can do it with a friend, but it's not always that effective because if we don't know what we're looking for, it's hard to do it for somebody else. But if you can do it and you understand that what we're looking for is not to change anything and not to say why, judge. It's just to listen. It's like there's a part of you that really feels alone in this world. Wow. And after that thank it for sharing say I I'll be back tomorrow like we discussed be back and ask you can ask it what's something small that I can do for you now just to you know cheer you up a little bit something small again I might say something huge take me to roll for two weeks I hear you just want to go there and let everything go I Understand? I understand. I won't be able to do that for you now. And I'm sure you know that. But what could I do now? Maybe something small, you know, a walk. That's where self-care comes in. Just a little bit. And that's where you can create a little bit of a real relationship between yourself when those moments come up. being in the present moment and noticing how you relate to yourself. Like we said, the little kid comes to the parent and feel safe to just say whatever it feels because the parent knows there's no right or wrong. It just is. If you can give it to the child, the child can get it. Then that inner child, that part of us that feels which whatever comes up, again, it doesn't have to be loneliness. You might have a part of you that's very very angry. Very angry. And you might not notice it. Say, "Me angry? Uh, not really." But if you slow down and you slowly tap into something that's going on, a trigger that comes up, you say, "What? What was that?" And you you allow it to talk, it might say it's very angry. Like, wow, tell me more. And then be careful your relationship with yourself. What's your relationship? Are you like the parent that pushes a child away or you embrace? Bring it in for a few minutes. Listen to it and come back tomorrow. See what you can do. Not right away. Don't write. Okay. Take it for a while. We'll go for a walk. We buy a coffee. Oh, we take a shower. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen. Listen. What What's it saying? After you listen for two, three minutes, you can write it down. You can thank it and ask, "What's something small that I can do? Okay, here's a question. My mind is racing with past and future thoughts and I feel the stress in my body parts feeling come up and then pass or get dismissed. Okay. So this is basic if in our mind our mind is usually in the past or in the future and that's why we feel stressed because usually in the present moment there's nothing much going on. You're sitting here you're listening to me maybe are listen to the recording you're driving. You might be sitting in traffic but traffic but you're in your car you know take a deep breath. You're good. Usually in the present moment we're good. It's when our mind is racing from past and future. So you might say if that's the case I would al I would I I would always want to be in the present moment. I think yeah but being in the present moment is not easy because you know what happens when you're in the present moment. Feelings come up. Thoughts come up. Again, it's it is past and present, but you become aware of it when you stop and you're in the present moment. So, you stop for a moment, spend a few minutes by yourself, not doing anything, and just focusing on your breath and just be aware of the present moment and see what comes up. So it's not easy. Amazing. So why be in the present moment? Great question. Because that's where life happens. The past is not now. It happened already. The future didn't happen yet. We don't know. You know what's going to be tomorrow? We don't know. Why are you thinking about tomorrow? You could plan, but what why you worried about tomorrow? We're only living in the present moment. So that's a basic answer. But a deeper answer is if you can learn how to be in the present moment, you can slow down. And it's stopping to fight, stopping to change, stopping to run and to numb. And things have to be different because I don't like what I see when I stop. So with compassion we can stop. We can notice. Yes, stuff will come up. Embrace it. Try not to get scared of it so that you can listen to it. Be there for it. And then eventually it feels seen. And like the child if you look at it and listen it can slow down. It's like a thank you for listening. They don't say that but that's how they you can see that the the tension goes down because somebody listened to them and it's real. Nobody told them to stop thinking or feeling the way they feel. We adults feel the same way if we can be in the present moment. Become aware of those triggers that come up and say, "Wow, what's coming up? What is that?" It's like, "Wow, I see you." Because you'll see your body can slow down, calm down, even though there are those feelings that we don't like. Okay, beautiful. That's it for tonight. Um, wishing everyone a being aware of what is. Obviously, we all have plans and then being in the present moment and Hashem, we'll see you after Purum hopefully Wednesday night. Have a good night. Take care of yourself and all your parts. Thank you.