Win/Win - Rebbetzin Avigial Gersht

[Music] okay the last class we started off by asking when you're sitting at the shabbos table and there's one piece of cake left one piece of pie left and you're all the way out there into the table what's going through your mind at that time right and we all say many of us said I think Nicole said like someone here said like video now I've insignia bad and Nicole was that uses like whatsapp I echo out of mind which is only one piece left someone said that but most of us said well you know we're kind of kind of like figure out like how do I get that last piece of pie right and so we're going through six different really five different paradigms through which people view the world not just like oh i'm in this mood or like Oh convert work it's what we're discussing is not just being positive it's literally how we view the world to remember what we spoke at what was the first line yes when loose low is the next one lose one what's the next one thank you lose-lose yes win-win-win and last one No Deal so what did we say what is when loose how you that is how usually society function and thrive and this is usually our paradigms in society right what it is when loose who can explain Janelle jaan explain yes exactly right when lose is when I am winning on the expense of you losing what were some examples that we gave yes yes child operations act like we were ready everyone else is living okay we spoke also thanking we spoke also about like social circles socially that's how you know friendship circles oftentimes are run up were the popular girls and you don't fit in with us right we spoke about you said parents of parents sometimes family dynamics unfortunately are based around win-lose which is I'm comparing you to your brother right so if your brother went to Columbia you have to go to Harvard or oh really you're not going to eat your I I do this sometimes with my child now we stop myself like you want to eat it you don't want to eat the soup for supper I have I ate the whole thing right because that will get her to the wife she eating the whole thing not me but the moment I say that that's saying she did this what's going on in their brain is like she's better than you right are you gonna do and Evan wants to be I also want to be important right when you raise children a comparing environment so they go on to compare themselves to the world and compare themselves to their superiors or to put people down and they continuously do that olympics and gains a hockey baseball basketball will formulate decided the election those are all based off of when Lou I'm not winning because I win that's what number four is not oh I win why just cuz I know I did good in school right it's I'm only valedictorian because the rest of the students got in the 70s or 80s or 60s or 50s right the rest of the students didn't do well i am only winning because you're losing right academically and we spoke a lot about in marriage mayor friendship also but but specifically in marriage what were some examples that we gave in marriage what would be a win losing a marriage in the dynamics of it to know right exactly where the husband will say I'm going to my parents for Passover because we went to yours last year right which is i'm not i mean the other side is losing right and what's an alternative to do it well will gets culture and their job set yet give me another example in win lose its also through with comparing when you see households when you see home where they're constantly comparing themselves to each other I'll clean up the dishes honey I'd to them last night when you hear that that means there's no synergy going on in the home right you're working together I gave the example of this friend of mine who someone said tur of like isn't there like don't you feel like I've taken advantage of because you're working and your husband's learning and she's like no right like I never thought of it like that right were you know two sides of the same coin we're working together I want him to be learning he wants me to be working like we're work that's what's energy is right it's not to be one doesn't mean to be the same not the same this isn't oneness uniformity is not a unity can all be the exact same doesn't mean you have unity so give me another example of in marriage right again there are ways around these things but I want to pet which is a very you know likely example that happens in marriages right I want a pet they don't well too bad you never told me before we signed this marriage document that you didn't want to pay I'm getting a pet right and then that it just it just tumbles and snowballs into like so she has it he has a pet now she's upset about something shoal do something not consciously right she'll do something 22 well he did this so i can do that right if someone i know who should the secona on this example she wanted she wanted a dog and her husband didn't want one and so one day Jesus please I really want a dog and he was like clearly upset against we said do whatever you want okay so this other this friend of hers who was in the house turned to her and said well he said do whatever you want so she went energy by dog okay that's called when Lou right it doesn't matter what he said we're working on synergy we're working on unity going together flown together and you feel that when you can walk into someone's home and there are some homes which I've hope many of you all of you have experiences there are some homes where you walk in and there's just something special about the home you know what it is it's not that the walls are you know colored brown there's just something special usually what you're feeling is it's cleaner the cutters borrow who in the home it's a real tangible thing you're feeling that there's this couple working together that they're to have who made it together and they're flowing together doesn't mean they're not having conflict doesn't mean they're not disagreeing but it means that they're on the same page it means that there's going together so that's when loose the second one is why I do lose-lose sorry I meant to do I wrote that again I'm going to lose win what to lose one self-sacrificing your interest for someone else yes cube give me an example lose one is I lose because you win or so you killin let's have an example yes I really was yeah so tired so I'll have to rely on those well I'm sure that never happens in seminaries and a theoretical world or someone's blasting music I am sure that never happens but that that is what it is there are times we let them keep the light on but usually lose win is when I don't feel good about it if you feel good bad there are times where the husband says I'm going to my parents for Passover and you're like you know what you're a group impress over or even though I really want to go to my parents I think you're right we should go to your parent or even though I really want to go to sleep and I can't sleep with the light on I really appreciate that your understanding of me all the time it's not normal to have the life off at nine o'clock in a dorm every night so yeah you know keep the lights on tonight right that's not called lose win right at skol win win cuz you on the same page lose win is when you're saying I'm the loser I'm always a loser right so go ahead step all over me right because everyone else does and we've said that people who are scripted in wins lose i win here the loser they latch on to people who are lose win because they take advantage of them what did we say was the problem one of the many pubs with the lose win mentality yes go on because you're getting walked on all over on and you can really smell the other communities right you're the you is being squashed but who I am is not being expressed close to give examples Natalia will be a little shy and they always want to be playing a certain music are always does in that you don't you don't necessarily like they not the silly how the room like or you're always referring to the office but with one and and what the obvious problem was that if you're constantly letting your roommate get what she wants just because and oftentimes I'm interrupting myself we think it's coming from a noble play listen almost at my cloak ass you know Rhonda Chaka Khan don't fight I don't have I don't want to you know not get along with my roommate often times we think it's coming from a noble place which is just coming from fear of confrontation that's really where it's coming from it's coming from up late not always there are times I can't stress enough to do lose one you don't always have to get your way you shouldn't always get your way right that means you're immature that's childish right but if you are constantly saying no it doesn't really matter ask yourself the question is is it because I'm afraid to speak to her or am I afraid she won't like me or am I afraid of what she's going to respond to me and the problem with constantly doing being in the lose win situation where the other person gets what they want is nothing goes without fully being expressed in life that's just a general rule in life and in our emotional inner world right you have you can have something that you think you our past or or you kind of push this I why because you don't want to deal with it and it will express and manifest itself in other ways have you heard of emdr and eft what knowing you yes right there incredible powerful my therapy techniques they are I've heard numerous stories of people who have done it and experienced it and if I've witnessed it it's incredible at embr stands for eye movement desensitization reprocessing and ESP look emotional freedom technique eft is like the tapping stuff and Andy are is basically something with the eyes it's actually cool story how it came to be but it releases what it does how it came to be as there was this woman who who she was basically going through I never researched this this is what I heard from someone she was going through an emotionally hard time and this one day she was exercising and she just realized after exercising and she's fish was like feeling much better than a better mood and she paid notice that her eyes were moving in a certain direction ash was exercising and if she went on to create this movement which is basically you have to follow the therapist movement and then things come up as you do it it's it's what I've heard is incredible things if someone I know who she has what it does is it brings up blockages that you didn't know you had and it brings it to the surface so it can be released meaning I may not know why I every time I'm about to get engaged I quickly break up with a guy I may not know why but that I just see it the pattern every time the relationship start getting started getting serious I like run right and you there's usually I want to say always a deeper reason for it right which we may not be conscious of I remember my college my psychology teacher in college tells this story of one of her clients who this was actually sort of happened to her who she got engaged twice and she broke off the engagement and she was about to get engaged for a third time and the guy very understandably so said I'm not going to get engaged you until you go for therapy right like I'm not like you know they're tied to bring up and engage we just doesn't sound so good and there's clearly a pattern here so she went to therapy to this teacher of mine everything was fine we're going and like nothing's coming out it took six months six months for it to come out the woman wasn't conscious of it it wasn't like she was highly she just didn't know that six months into therapy came out that her grandfather sexually abused her as a child and he is the one with all the money in the family and he's the one who always pulling the strings and every time she got engaged money is what came up immediately and her grandfather was all sudden on the scene and she wanted to like cut ties with anything and she likes led but she had no clue that that's what came up right there's someone else I know who who this is like an MD our story who she's a very blocked relationship with her mother like an emotional block and in emdr she did Angie our therapy she remembered being in the hospital room with her mother like why after she was born and her mother just totally neglecting her and ignoring her like she was like crying the mother like didn't even like turn tear these are I could sit here for many hours and tie stories like these are real stories people that I know this happened to so that's really extreme from childhood right but when we are scripted in lose when we are oftentimes if that is our mode of just dealing with relationship issues and conflicts we're often times just bearing something that's going to resurface at a different point in time following me you may constantly be giving it to your husband why because you know if he doesn't mean to and I really love him I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt me so I'll just do the laundry again and clean up the house again or just don't say anything even though I felt hurt by him right now you may not notice it but your constant making you snide comments at him or like whenever able to like give them a dig you'll give them a dick so when we are scripted and lose win oftentimes we're pressing it that's Lutheran and and we tend to wing back and forth on the pendulum with first what parents also do that right first when lose up you're grounded you're not going out tonight right as opposed to communicating with the child understanding the child right I'm in charge this is also a carryon boss approach right Your Ground is not going out tonight may swing back to the child's going crazy in there they don't have deal with it like that whatever go out do whatever you want right that's the lose went fine you're an angry teenager I'll give you just do whatever you want thanks fine have it your way right and then the child goes and does whatever they want and it becomes a cycle right so that's lose one on to the next lose-lose what does this mean yes all right which is if I don't get my way right then no one's going to get their way who can give me examples [Music] do whatever you want because you react this way like do whatever you want he's going to catch like that really was like she doesn't get it she acts up because she definitely deserves that and they're saying if he said he has a lot the doc she does and she doesn't get it he doesn't want it and if he doesn't any way she could oh really she still doesn't because she doesn't like how we are I think that has two more immaturity which we're going to get to of a caddy deal with win-win because there are ways to get her to get around a dog issue right there's compromise which is not ideal but it's better men lose one right but that's more just immaturity orvis you don't get what you want right then I'm just going to pout about it right and again that like deteriorates our relationship who can give me another example of lose-lose I don't get my way normal yes Alyssa really wanted to agree to a lost opportunity right yeah that's a great one right well if I can't get my house in Beverly Hills then you can get your house in the Hamptons thanks we'll go live in memphis right now like neither of them are happy but if I can't get my we've watched you get your way a Hannah good example thanks Alyssa so depending on the way that she does it it can be lose-lose or it can be win-win no deal which we're going to discuss no deal but no deal can be if no one is going to be happy from this meaning if you want to watch what TV show do and watch the Warped Tour life again watch work for a live and your brother wants to watch okay pokemon everyone does that take over the world recently okay and your brother wants to watch pokemon looking like car accidents there's been like craziness or freaka you think you want to watch a warp turn your very much coke man so either your moms could make well then no one's watching and then you're both just angry at each other or you can agree on a third alternative or you can say let's play a game instead I mean instead of just sulking there there are ways when wind doesn't mean I always get what I want because you won't you won't let image her it's immature children want to get whatever they want and if parents give it to them you are raising we are raising a spoil generation because what's going to happen when their boss isn't given the Rays if they want or when their spouse is given the dinner that they want they will not know how to deal with it they will not have the tools to deal with it so it can be win-win up let's just do something else we don't have to watch a movie so it depends how to take it you had an example who is the her Olivia agent yes if you were and for whatever idea and the group of the bottom like your idea being shut down in the video else's right basically write yours for sure it can't be good right like it's funny to watch I feel like I think I just watch that the whole election like that's exactly what happened the whole election I was like chump pouting his way through the elections and then nothing's good if it's not my way Yeah right okay I'm its if you're let's see my daughter has a candy and I say you have to share the candy see that please give some to your sister I want the candy and I say you have to share some with your sister who take the candy and she throws it onto the street right like if I can't have it then no one can have it right I can have the whole thing and that's a child example but we have these an adult you have you in divorce many times right divorce is this guy the true story who had a car that was twenty five thousand dollars and you've got divorced and the ended the settlement was you have to split everything 5050 and he had this twenty-five-thousand-dollar car he sold it for a hundred dollars and gave His life 50 that's called lose-lose as house well that's if I'm not going to get this whole thing I don't want to make you have this money I'd rather get fifty dollars I'd rather get the chief end of it or this other guy who his wife the Alpha they got divorced and the settlement was split everything half half and she had this dog that she loved and so he wanted half dog and he's obviously not getting half the dogs so we spent thousands of dollars in court he didn't want they've been thousands of dollars in court fighting to get half the dog it obviously wasn't about the dog right but if I can get the whole thing I can't get what i want so I'd rather lose all this money right just so you can't have it but you can't have it without the full dog it's not fair so that's Lulu's which is basically just a baby when what's win now a factor is not taken into the equation right but as long as I win it doesn't matter what happens if you went also that's great right it's like the bulldozer approach right it's a very like American mentality of all just get whatever I want whoever if someone gets her dude you should have been more careful right you shall I gotten out of the streets right as long as i get my way nothing else matters i win losses I have to win on the expense of you when it just el carril happens sure you could win it doesn't matter to me as long as I get my paycheck when it doesn't matter what you do sure sure we'll do whatever you want as long as I'm going to have pants for Passover right you could end up staying well then I'm going to go to my friend's house and you won't be together just in mind as long as I'm at my parents for Passover when is it doesn't matter what it takes but as long as i get my way there's someone I know who he did he's divorced he did very well in business as long speaking to him everything will be impressive you know you did well and your holster I was speaking about a citizen impressive like how far he's come and you need this one liner comment that really stood out which was yeah cost me my marriage but at least have a successful business right which unfortunately is all too familiar for many people right which is it doesn't matter what's at stake does it matter from ignoring my spouse I'm ignoring my children as long as I Kevin money my bank account as long as I'm doing my job properly right nothing else matters even if it cost me my marriage that's one and then and we get to win win what is win win compromise is a lower form of win-win because when you when someone says busted when someone says they will have to up finding to compromise what do you think right exactly right you guys we go like I'm going to compromise and kind of feel like that like okay so what do I have to give in right or I'm not going to get my way slowly or it seems to have a negative you know tweak to it it's better that any of the other options but there's even a higher level this is how we're worse what we're striving to go for in life win win more than compromise which is part of it what's win win yeah yes and yes it's I'm going to just change one thing which is it's not necessarily about getting what I want right again getting what I want implies lose one or when lose did I get it for myself right did I get I want this for my husband did he give it to me right that doesn't work and it doesn't work in the marriage and it doesn't work in relationships so you're right it's about it's about you said both getting what they want so pardon compromise and it's about more than both of us getting what I want both of us being happy with the results both of us being happy with the outcome so what could it be that he's gone she's going to get the dog but the husband's pouting about it that is not win win it could be she won't get the dog but if she's having about it that's not called win win win win is how can we both be happy with whatever it is that's taking place how can we both be happy with it we we tried to get this route of cooperation mean we try to get synergy the fruit of cooperation from the paradigm of competition I'm going to repeat that we often try to get the fruit of cooperation from the paradigm of competition meaning yes I want you to be happy but how can i get my way right it's that internal you know motivator inside this how can I get and I've been clear we're together yes okay so who can give me win-win examples yes Hannah [Music] nice they're both happy with that right get the dog keep it outside as long as you do all the walking that's fun nice let's go around have some more examples Alyssa I like it Bing Bing marry Ric okay okay look I original one under my marionville Egyptians while if there is energy resulting traumatically going state the state last part again like even those who originally wanted to go to your parents going your husband's pension Oh what all that was really nice is your mom or I'm like trying to get yourself too long ago yeah nice maybe he ingredient on the lady both review the contract his content don't have been making contact with the ground in business a business this is a successful approach this is what keeps relationships right have you ever had the experience of going to a store and trying on a shirt or a dress or a skirt especially if it's expensive but even if it's not and the clerk saying it's amazing it looks perfect on you the quality is amazing and then you go home the next week at risk or like it just does not fit you or have any of you have the experience yes right everyone has I get so frustrated when that happened right they were in the paragon of wind blew right but I'll tell you why it doesn't work and i was at the store once i was getting one of these shells and i usually have my place where I get my shelf so I was getting this gel and it matches my outfit and so I said to the woman it's the material that I'm not used to and like I think it opens up and it's going to be to open for me she's like no no not at all not with inches going on a nut with this material and I went home after one wash it was like totally stupid I'm not the type like go back inside with them just not worth my time and I'm not shopping in that drawer again right like meaning long term it's not worth it long term I'd rather you say yet does open up it be honest right it's the honesty it's the openness it's a commitment in a relationship right or some of this quality is great it also had that experience major it's great quality and you spend the money on it and then it rips or ruins right just be straight with me if you're able to be straight with me even in just tell me event it's not the best right I'll probably come back to you right and we do that you've seen relationships there may be some stores that either more expensive or they don't have the best quality whatever it is but you have that relationship with a person you know I'm talking about you have the relationship with the clerk or you trust whatever is that they're giving either you know it's bad or you know it's good but you know what it is that you're getting right and it will backfire funny as these stores i think--'cause like what did you gain you gained 50 shekels right but you lost the relationship right so you what did you gain you gain dog you got the dog but now you will lost the relationship or a big part of it Danielle you have an example yes it is it is still one win it's still you still have that feeling of why'd you do that but if they take it back of dick oh you're right look admit it right nice Shana mom loves really a couple when an organization like city looks really really tall it has a nice great example right so where you can like instead either going camping or else like going to hotel or either going to beaches or else going to a city it's like make it go to place I have both and you're both happy with it you have it I'm not cooking a whole day meal ok fine I'll associa- 25 miles away great that's a good example like do your own thing you're both happy with it and not imposing my religious beliefs on you all right this is what when we're saying winged one it's the balance it's the harmony of the two different sides coming together it's like a triangle you have one side and the other side that look like they're like seemingly like totally separate near the third line that says wait there's a third alternative way there's another option that's what I'll from you click Yaakov right I said could we were up to fair familiar with this right Aram is did it all has to be like sorry I'm disgusted Youth clashes been right he like sits in his tent and he learns and he doesn't budge and and strict right authoritarian and and I have to be in charge averman script called off right of a group schlubs like no just love everyone open your home right and then you have Yoko right your boss you have a rom you have you talked and your Yaakov which what's the author's name what was his name switch to you throw right you throughout is the same word as what's the other what's wrong yeah sure Cal right yeah shower which means straight and tell which is God that's why we're called been a straw that's why we are called josh r Kell we're looking for the balance path we're not looking for the extreme we're not looking for either only high set or else only big we're looking for MA we're looking for a yaris which is the same word youth route is the same word besides for ya shock L as sheer sheer Kel which means right song of God right like we are meant to be living manifestations and songs of God it's meant to be a harmonious process and journey not extreme we're looking for win win and the way to get to it is we'll finish here is to have what we call abundance mentality we live any scarcity mentality world scarcity meant it what does it mean what's scarce not enough right let's food as scarce as on a food so we live in a scarcity world mentality where if I don't get this job or I don't get higher score than her i'm not going to get this job right if I don't marry this person that I'll never get made is not enough for me what is abundance mean too much or or enough this is a lot right there's abundance mentality means I look at the world I see opportunities as there's an abundance of opportunities this is what a Munna is right to rub rub Dessler in this tub mail yahoo he says jealousy is a foolish thing it's like some of these jealous its fullest raise it's a total lack of emunah right why because what is your little parcel has to do with my parcel so have a moon that means oh I'm sorry I'm going to get whatever belongs to me I do not have to steal from here do not have to take from here I'm not worried that's what abundance mentality is I have a Munna now whatever I need I'm going to get whatever is good for me I'm going to get and if we're able to view the world through the eyes of abundance II there's enough there's guys out there and there's and there's jobs out there and there's housing out there and there's money out there it's all out there is it literally like God could do anything he split the sea he can do anything right so if i don't have her a now there must be a reason for it so if you view the world as I didn't give it a shot but there's so many opportunities I cannot just ob+ you know there's actually like an abundance of opportunities like okay something else will come my way right and scarcity mentality is there's not enough like I'm literally holding on to this tiny string for dear life I'm thirsting for water when is my you know when I going to get a cup of water when is my next to me going to be sometimes you feel that in of a like who knows openx mules going to bring Slyke take all the eggs to your room now so so abundance is is there's plunging its kisses there's not enough and when you're able to view the world through the eyes of abundance II you have a win-win mentality because you don't need to squash someone else have a wonderful day