Women's Vayishlach Class: Competition is for Losers: Facing Your Loneliness, Birthing Yourself

Good morning everybody and welcome. Oh, okay. Okay. And uh thank you for braving the weather. So, thank you all for gracing us, those who are here physically, those who are here virtually. And today's class is dedicated by Rebbetzin Esther Roose Shalom in honor of her three diamonds, her beloved children, Rom Yehuda ben Esther, Dov Yosef ben Esther, and Naomi Kayla bas Esther, and all of their children for health, happiness, prosperity, nachas, and all of abundant blessings. May the profound light of Torah that you teach continue to shine brightly always. Amen for all of us. And thank you very very much. I also want to mention that today is the yahrtzeit of Yankel Friedman, Yaakov Yisrael ben Reb Shmuel Binyamin. It's the first yahrtzeit, yeah? Yeah. Okay. If he was killed last year in the plane crash, his mother we have the merit of having her, one of the pillars of this class for many years. Mother, grandmother, and actually great-grandmother in the past. Tehei nishmaso tzurah betzur hachaim, and may his soul his beautiful and generous and kind soul remain our eternal source of inspiration, love, blessings to the entire family, to the all of the community, to the entire Jewish people. L'arichus yamim v'shanim tovim with all the blessings, and we should be zocheh to have kids who are learning and who should be offer. Amen bekarov. Okay, so there is one source sheet today. And um we're going to focus on a story that is uh probably one of the most mysterious and enigmatic stories in the Tanakh. And that says a lot because almost every story in the Tanakh is enigmatic and mysterious. So, when you have the most one of the most mysterious ones, it certainly um conjures and uh invites us into a very deep, mysterious, and challenging moment. Yet, we know that it's critically important, not only because it's part of the Torah and every word of the Torah is obviously important, but also because it's actually the story which gives us our name, which means our identity. Until this very day, if you ask, "What is the name for the Jewish people?" and the answer is Am Yisrael or Bnei Yisrael. We're called throughout the Torah Bnei Yisrael, the children of Yisrael. You would have thought we should be called Bnei Avraham. The first Jew was not Yisrael. The first Jew was Avraham. So, we should be called Bnei Avraham. Why are you skipping two generations? For whatever reason you want to skip the first generation, call us Bnei Yitzchak, the children of Yitzchak. Well, no, we're called Bnei Yisrael. But the truth is, that's also strange because we should be called Bnei Yaakov, the children of Yaakov. That was his original name. But actually, that does not become our name. We're not called the children of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov, even though we are their children. I'm the only exception. Okay, think about that one. And uh and but most of us, we are called Bnei Yisrael, the children of Yisrael, which is a name change that happens much later in Yaakov's life. It's not his original name that was given to him after birth. It's a later name. And that becomes our eternal name. If you want to define the name of our land, our eternal homeland, it's called Eretz, not Avraham, not Yitzchak, not Yaakov, even though it was given to Avraham, Eretz Yisrael. Our Torah is called Toras Yisrael. Our nation is called Am Yisrael. And as a people, we're called Bnei Yisrael, the children of Yisrael. So, if this is the name that we were given, meaning our identity, by which we are defined, molded till this very day, the moment that he's given that name must be of critical importance to the point that it's that moment that could confer upon us our eternal name and identity. What is the moment where Yaakov experiences a name change? And this is important because Avraham also experiences a name change, but it's not through a story. His name was Avraham, and then Hashem says, "I want to enter into a covenant with you. I want you to do the bris, and I'm going to upgrade your name to Avraham." Yitzchak never goes through a name change. Yaakov, though, goes through a name change, and there's a whole story behind it. So, let's remember the context and delve into it. And as we will see that this change of names becomes a crucial moment in the entire development of what it means to be a human being, and what it means to be a Jew, with ex- extraordinary relevance to our times today and our own inner journeys as individuals and part of a collective. Let's remember the context. Yaakov has spent 22 years away from home. He has left 22 years ago from Beersheba in the south in the Negev of Eretz Yisrael, and he went to a place called Mesopotamia, a city called Haran, which we still find today. It's called Haran, H R A N. It's the ancient Haran from the days still of our patriarchs. It's in southern Turkey, northern Iraq, southern Turkey. And that's where he spends 20 years. He gets married to Leah. He gets married to Rachel, Bilhah and Zilpah. 11 of his 12 sons are born there, and of course, also his daughter Dinah is born there. 12 children are born there. And after 20 years of crushing labor, as he says himself, under his father-in-law's um um I don't want to say I don't know if the word is dictatorship, under his father-in-law's, let's say, authority or domain, it's time to return home. He travels now for a while. The journey's going to be another 2 years. But 20 full years he was in Haran, and now he starts a journey of 2 years until he will come home back to his father, Yitzchak, in Eretz Yisrael. Now, it's not called Eretz Yisrael at the time. It doesn't even have the name Yisrael. It's called Canaan. Now, on the way, the Torah begins Vayishlach Vayishlach Yaakov malachim. He sends messengers to his brother Esau. And the message is basically, "I want to make up with you. We're brothers. Let's make peace. Let's reconcile with each other." Basically, limtzo chein beiynaycha, that's what he says. "I want to find favor in your eyes." The messengers come back and say, "He's actually marching towards you with 400 troops." Which seems like a declaration of war. And that's when Yaakov is terrified. The Torah says clearly Yaakov is petrified. He's overwhelmed. He splits up the camp into two. He prays, "Hatzileini na, please save me. I don't want to lose my entire family, me and mothers, two mothers, children." And he also prepares a lavish lavish gift, which he sends again with messengers. Many many animals of all different type of many different types of species, around 550 altogether that he sends off to his brother simply as a token of a gesture of reconciliation and friendship and respect. Okay. And this is basically where the story is holding. And here, the Torah interrupts the story. We're expecting the continuation of the story to be what happens when Esau meets Yaakov. But right here, the Torah interrupts the story. This is a Bereishis perek lamed beis, chapter 32 of Genesis. And it gets interrupted with another story that happens out of the blue in middle of the night. And what's the story? Yaakov and his family reach a river called Yabbok, Nachal Yabbok, which they still identify today where that is. This is a river that he needs to cross to get in Eretz Yisrael. And he transfers everybody, his entire family, meaning all the women and all of the children, all of the servants, all of the herds, all of the livestock, everybody, all of the items that they have, all their possessions, are transferred to the other side of the river. Everybody now is on the other side of the river. And then Yaakov, for some reason the Torah doesn't say why clearly, he goes back to the other side of the river. Chazal say perhaps he forgot some little jugs over there. Or for whatever reason, he goes back to the other side of the river. And this is where a new story emerges out of the blue, suddenly. And the Torah says as follows. And we also know that it's the middle of the night because, as we will see, the Torah clearly says this is a story that happens in middle of the night. So, if you look in your first source sheet, in your first source in the fourth sheet, we have here the critical moment when this new story develops. Vayishlach lamed beis, chof hei, Genesis 32, verse 25. Yaakov remains all alone. Levado means alone. Why? Nobody's there. Everybody's on the other side of the Yabbok river. So, he has no Rachel is not there. Leah is not there. Bilhah is not there. Zilpah is not there. None of his children are there. His daughter is not there. None of his servants. He's literally alone. There's nobody else there. And what happens? Ish, a man battles with him. Vaye'avek ish wrestles with him ad alos hashachar until dawn break. This means this is a battle that goes on throughout the night, and it interrupted by dawn break. Once the light starts shining, before sunrise, but you can already experience the cast of the light of dawn, that battle continues. And the Torah continues Vayarki lo yachol lo. This man sees he can't defeat him. Vayiga bechaf yareicho. So, he touches his sciatica, his sciatic nerve. Vayiteka chaf yareich Yaakov. Okay, man. In this battle, Yaakov's sciatica, his sciatic nerve, is dislocated. Vayam shalachaini ki alah hashachar. Now, this man says, "Let me go. It's time for me to leave. Dawn has broken. It's already morning." And Yaakov says, "Lo ashalechacha ki im berachtani." No, "I want your blessing before you go." So, he says, "What's your name?" And he says, "My name is Yaakov." He says, "We're changing your name. Your name is not Yaakov. Your name is Yisrael." Ki sarisa im Elokim u'im anashim vatuchal. Because you have wrestled with God and with people and you prevailed. And that's what Yisrael means. Yisrael comes from the word sar isha, which means you have wrestled and prevailed. And that comes from the word also sar. Sar is like a minister, a leader, a monarch. A sarara means rulership, aristocracy. That's why Sara was called Sara. And so sarara now you you you you become a master, you have triumphed in these battles. And then Yaakov asks him for his name and he says it's none of your business and he blesses him and that's the story. The story is over. Right? It's a great meeting. Like what's your name? None of your business. What's your name? Let me change your name. What's my name? None of your business. Fine. You don't have to ask for my name. He blesses him. What's the next scene right after you'll see in the next paragraph? This is the end of chapter 22 32 of Bereishit. Chapter 33 brings us back to the story to the narrative. Vayivaser Yaakov Einav Aya. Yaakov now picks up his eyes and what does he see? Vihinei Esav Ba. Suddenly he sees Esav. So after this whole night of battling and the Torah continues the next morning the sun was shining. Vutzei HaYareach came to a place called Pniel and now he picks up his eyes a few verses later and he sees Esav is coming with 400 people, 400 men. And that's when he splits up the children between their mothers and the Torah continues to describe his approaching Esav. And then in pasuk gimmel it says Vihu Over Lifneihem. He decides to pass before everybody. You have the maids, you have their children, you have Rachel, you have Leah, you have Rachel, you have their children. Vihu Over Lifneihem. He goes before everybody. In other words, he's going to be the first person to approach Esav. Vayishtachu Artza Sheva Pa'amim. He bows down towards the earth seven times. Ad Gishto Ad Achiv. Until he approaches, until he comes to his brother. So imagine the scene. Yaakov is approaching, Esav is coming against him. Yaakov bows seven times, he prostrates himself completely onto the ground one time and then obviously gets up in a second time, a third time, fourth time, fifth time, sixth time, seventh time. Each time he's getting closer and closer. Ad Gishto until he gets closer like Vayigash. Gishto means becoming close, until he approaches Ad Achiv till his brother. And what happens at this moment? Esav is coming for war. So what all happens? Vayar Esav Likrato. Esav now runs towards Yaakov. Vayichabkehu and he embraces him. Vayipol Al Tzavaro. And he falls on his neck. Vayishakehu and he kisses him. Vayivku and they both sob. From a moment, from a situation that was ripe with tension, electricity and tension or anxiety that you could cut with a knife, suddenly the whole story is transformed. The unexpected happens. He wanted peace. They said Esav is coming for war with 400 people. He doesn't need 400 people to hug his brother. But then suddenly something happens and not only is there no war, no conflict, not only is there no ignoring each other or gaslighting or drifting away, but suddenly the whole posture of Esav changes, Yaakov changes. He hugs him, he falls on his neck, they kiss each other and they sob. And then there's a conversation where Esav wants to live together with Yaakov and he wants Yaakov to come live with him and to be together and they're going to become one and Yaakov says it's not going to work really. He has too much, he has to go much slower. One day I'm going to come to your place which is called Seir and Esav goes home and then Yaakov continues on his journey. What happened in between that caused this transformation in Esav's heart? The Torah does not, as usually, give us an explicit explanation of the stories. That's not what the Torah ever does. It usually tells the story and then it allows our minds, souls and imaginations to try to figure out the rest of it. And it's interesting that what happens right before Yaakov is battling somebody. Yaakov is battling somebody and that's when he gets his name changed from Yaakov to Yisrael and this becomes our name. A few years ago we once gave a whole class on this uh and uh we explained a lot of this at depth. Today we're going to take it a little further be'ezrat Hashem. I want to focus on one word. Vayivaser Yaakov Levado. That's how the story begins. Yaakov remains Levado, alone. The obvious question is what does Levado mean in Hebrew? Nobody else is there. What's the first time the word Levado is used in Chumash? Anybody remembers? Levado. Very good. Very good. You have it in your third source, Bereishit perek bet pasuk chet, in the story of the creation. Genesis chapter two. Vayomer Hashem Elokim Lo Tov Hayot HaAdam Levado. It's not good for Adam to be Levado, to be alone. Eseh Lo Ezer Kenegdo. I'm going to create a helpmate for him. An Ezer Kenegdo, parallel to him or against him. So the word Levado literally means alone. Adam was alone and that's when Chava is formed as the soulmate, as the partner, as the spouse of Adam. This is the second time it says the word Levado in Chumash. Vayivaser Yaakov. Well, the second time in terms of a person. We'll soon see it says with animals the word Levado, but with a person. Vayivaser Yaakov Levado means Yaakov is alone like Adam and that's why Hashem said it's not good for Adam to be alone. But here Yaakov is alone. But one second. A moment later it says Vaye'avek Ish Imo. A man wrestled with him. So was he alone or was he not alone? If a man wrestled with him, so obviously that man was hiding somewhere in the closet or hiding under a rock or hiding behind a tree or hiding somewhere near the river Yabbok, but he wasn't alone. You could say Yaakov was there and a man wrestled with him. The Torah says Vayivaser Yaakov Levado. So that's right away something to ponder, to point out. Now you could say maybe it was something spiritual, an energy. Rashi says Sara Shel Esav. Still, that means there was somebody there. Vaye'avek Ish Imo. Another fascinating thing is that the Torah emphasizes the word Levado. Yaakov here is alone. Could it just mean physically alone? We just said there was somebody else there. Vaye'avek Ish Imo. So Levado here probably means on an existential level. Yaakov is alone. Now, the word Levado, which means alone, could connote so many different things. Sometimes it can be something that is negative or at least sad or challenging and sometimes it's something glorious and positive. For example, in the English language we tend to distinguish between pleasant and productive forms of being alone versus painful and debilitating forms of being alone. Sometimes you say, "I just want to be left alone." You remember those days when you want the house to be empty. I just want to sit without anybody there. Anybody relates to this? Make believe you don't, it's fine. Don't worry, we won't tell anybody. I just need time alone, alone, alone. Breathe, retreat into my solitude. It's sometimes most beautiful thing. It's very pleasant. You could be with yourself. You can feel yourself. You could connect to yourself. You can rejuvenate yourself. You can connect to things that you really love, that you really cherish. We all understand what that means. There's another type of aloneness. A lonely person. Somebody who has nobody in their life, nobody to connect to, no attachment, no trust, no support system. That's a debil- debilitating solitariness, right? Somebody once said the antithesis of addiction is not sobriety, the antithesis of antithesis of addiction is attachment. It's connection. The Torah, and we have different words for it. There's a word like loneliness, there's a word like singularity. There's a word exclusivity or unique, yeah, meditative silence and then there's other words that connote different types of loneliness. But in Hebrew it's all the word Levado. The word Levado has all of these meanings, which means it's not so easy to separate the two types of loneliness. You have Lo Tov Hayot HaAdam Levado. It's not good for Adam to be alone. It's just not good for anybody to be alone. People need connection. People need authentic attachment. Lo Tov Ezer Kenegdo. Lo Tov, it's not good. Later Yisro is going to conjure the same image to his son in Lo Meisha. In Parshat Yisro, Yisro sees that Meisha sits a whole day and leads and judges and all the questions come to him and what does he say? Madua Ata Yoshev Levadecha? You're alone. You can't do this alone. You need support, you need to delegate, you need people to help you, you need co-partners. You can't be Levad. Novel Tibol, you're going to rot away. It's too much. It's too much, you can't carry a burden alone. This is Levad where the Torah clearly says Lo Tov, it's not good. But then we have, take a pasuk like in Tehillim, Lo Ose Niflaotav Gedolot Levado. Levado Ki Le'Olam Chasdo. This is this is something unique. This is divine. It's completely transcendent, it's infinite. Levado, it's those miracles that's Levado, it's uniquely his. It's completely beyond what anybody else can even imagine. We have all of these Levados. Lo Ose Niflaotav. We say every morning in Shacharit, Osam Yihallelu Shem Hashem Ki Nisgav Shmo. Levado. Right? This is an exaltedness, aloneness. So in Hebrew the word Levad is used for both, what would be very positive, unique, singular, absolutely otherworldly, and sometimes Levad in a painful sense. Because Hebrew is a very, very accurate language in terms that the word describes the reality, it's not so easy to separate the two. To be a singular being created in the divine image is to be both gifted and to be with something that can't just be assimilated into a group and remains unique. To be human is to stand out, to be levadai. That comes with a price. So, the same word could describe something that's not good, lo taiv, and a divine attribute like lo aseini iflai's, gedolas levadai keleilam chazda. Here is Vayivaser Yaakov levadai. Yaakov is now levadai. Is it a good levadai? Is it a challenging levadai? Is it a levadai that is like, wow, an amazing moment, or a difficult and challenging moment? But, the truth is that this word levadai is really at the essence of the story. And to be able to clarify this, let's take a look at a very perplexing Medrish. If you take a look in your source sheets, it's 1 2 3 4 5 6, the sixth source from the pop. Medrish Rabbah Bereishis, parshas Vayishlach. Vayivaser Yaakov levadai viyehi ki shimo. Atah motzei kol mash Hakadosh Baruchu osid la'asos lo osid lavai. Hikdim asai dehad tzadikim be'olam hazeh. Whatever Hashem is going to do in the future, he already has precipitated and done through the tzadikim already in this world. In other words, in the tzadikim's life and consciousness, there's a forestate of the redemptive world already in olam hazeh. Here is an example. Mah Hakadosh Baruchu kasiv ba? By Hashem it says in Yeshayahu chapter 2, Veniskav Hashem levadai bayom hahu. On that day God's name will be exalted. Af Yaakov, Vayivaser Yaakov levadai. Yaakov already had a foretaste of that day. He was alone. Veniskav Hashem levadai bayom hahu. On that day, describing the time of redemption, the time of Mashiach, Hashem's name will be exalted. Like we say in Aleinu, that vekabelu chulam aleihem ol malchus shamaim, yakiru veyeidu kol yoshvei tevel, right? Vekabelu aleihem malchus shamaim, etc. So, his name will be exalted and known and saturated and permeated and penetrate every fiber of every being in the entire world. Yaakov already has a foretaste. Why? Vayivaser Yaakov levadai. He remains alone. One second, it's a little strange. When Mashiach comes it says Veniskav Hashem levadai. Here it's Yaakov is alone. Well, how does the Medrish see the connection between the two? And here, it's almost he's alone, he's vulnerable. There's nobody to help him. That's why this man attacks. It's like you were alone in the forest and somebody came to attack. You were alone in the street, you were alone in the wilderness. The It seems like the Torah is trying to say there was nobody there. No children were there, they would have They would fight back, they would defend him. Because he was alone, this man could wrestle him. And yet in the Medrish somehow, it's a messianic experience of Veniskav Hashem levadai bayom hahu. Even though we're not even talking about Hashem, we're talking about Yaakov. His aloneness somehow is connected to Hashem's aloneness. One of the most famous pesukim is from Chamishah Asar, Atah Hareisa Lada'as Ki Hashem Hu Elohim, Ein Od Milvado. The levad is a glorious thing. Ein Od Milvado. There's nothing outside of him being alone. In other words, oneness. Ein Od Milvado. There's nothing outside of him. He is levadai. And here we say this is Yaakov's Yaakov's levadai. Yaakov, we have to remember, was never really levadai till this point. Because even when he was born, he was born as a twin. So, even the 9 months in the womb of his mother, he was never levadai, he was not alone. He was with somebody else. Yaakov and Eisav were twins, and perhaps, according to It seems like from Chazal, they were identical twins, meaning they grew up in the same placenta. So, it's not only they were growing up in the same womb and in the same mother, but actually in the same placenta fighting over the nutrients that existed in that placenta, which would explain why Eisav was so red, cuz he really got a nice dosage of blood. And he was to the point that he's called Admoni, the red one. There was that lushness and that vitality and vivaciousness that described Eisav to the point that when he's born they call him Eisav because he's like asu, he's done, he's like a done deal, he's complete. It's almost like this adult who came out of the mother's womb. He's hairy, he's like a grown-up, fully developed. And then Yaakov comes out right afterwards. Veyado ochezos ba'akev Eisav. He's holding onto the heel of Eisav. And when he's holding onto the heel of Eisav, it's such a remarkable moment that they don't only take pictures and put it on WhatsApp. Hey, this cute little baby was holding onto the heel of his brother, who looks like, I don't know, this adult, this hairy kid, who's red and flushed, and he's like holding onto his heel. It was the cutest thing. The nurse took a picture. He only weighed 6 3, but here's a picture. And it goes out. Apparently, it was so remarkable it wasn't only worth of a WhatsApp message to the family chat, but actually they decided this is going to be his name forever. Yaakov. What's Yaakov? The Torah says Vayikra shmo Yaakov. Why Yaakov? Veyado ochezos ba'akev. Yaakov is two letter words, Yud akev. Yud is yada. Yada is the letters Yud. Yud vav dalet spells Yud dalet vav yada, his hand. Yud is his hand. Akev is the heel. Like the sole of the foot, the bottom of the foot is called akev. Akev sheberegel, it's considered the lowest part of the body. In fact, the Medrish of Rebbe Nosson calls it the most lifeless part of the body, the malach moves of the body, because the blood circulation is weakest over there. That's why people who have diabetes, chas v'shalom, when there's a problem with their circulatory system, it affects that place first. Because anyway the circulation is poor over there, cuz it has to get all the way to the bottom, to the akev. So, when they needed to give their child, when they needed to give this child a name, they don't name him even about something in himself, vis-a-vis himself. The entire name is his relationship with his brother. And which part of his brother? At least if you're holding on, hold onto his head. No! He's holding onto his heel. Cuz Eisav went out head first, Yaakov was holding onto that akev. It was so cute and adorable that they gave him a name. But, you know, names are not just when things are cute. Names in Torah are very, very serious. Okay? So, when you go to your therapist, your therapist says, "What's your name?" Jacob, Yaakov. "Why?" I was holding onto my brother's heel when we were born. Hm, what did that do to your self-confidence? You were holding onto your brother's heel, so they named you Yaakov, so that you should always remember that you were holding onto your brother's heel. It's a very interesting name to give Yaakov. And obviously, there's a profound depth that was being conveyed here. Vayikra shmo Yaakov. So, he comes out of the womb holding Eisav's heel. Okay. That's one story we know. Another story we know is that one day Eisav comes home exhausted and he's starving, and Yaakov cooked up a wonderful lentil dish, and Eisav says, "Haleiteini na, please feed me from this red lentil delicious dish." And Yaakov says, "No problem, but there's a condition." What's the condition? "I want your birthright." In other words, that which once belonged to you, I want it to go to me. And Eisav agrees. He says, "I'm going to die anyway, I don't need this lamali zechirah." And he sells his birthright to Yaakov for what? For the red lentils. And he gets a name for that. He's called Edom. He's called Edom. Al kein, the Torah says he's called Edom, which means red. Also an interesting thing to give a nation and a country its name because of a dish that you ate. Red lentils, interesting. So, when you eat red meatballs, should you be called a red meatball? And when you eat pasta, should you be called Mrs. Pasta, Mr. Pasta? It's an interesting expression. Obviously, this represented something very deep. So, Yaakov now wants something that belongs to Eisav. I want your birthright. That's the second story we know about Yaakov and Eisav. And then there's a third story we know about Yaakov and Eisav. And what is that? Yitzchak wants to give Eisav his bless blessings, also because of food that Eisav is going to give him. Yaakov gets dressed up in Eisav's garments. He enters Yitzchak's room, and what does he tell him? Anochi Eisav bechorecha. I am Eisav, your oldest child. I brought you the food. Please bless me. And Yaakov indeed says, "The voice is the voice of Yaakov, the hands are the hands of Eisav." He does not recognize him, and the Torah says Vayivarechehu. He blesses Yaakov with the blessings that initially he reserved and designated for his son Eisav. Do you see the common denominator in all the three stories we know about Yaakov and Eisav? Coming out holding on his heel, getting his birthright, getting his blessings. Do you see one common denominator? What is it? Anybody? Explain. What What is the common thread in these stories, these Hm? Right. There is that there is some very deep and complex relationship between these two brothers. When he's holding onto the heel of Eisav, he's almost like saying, "There's something I want here. Don't go out. Either don't go out before me, as Rashi says, I want to go out first, or I don't want you to go out, or I don't want you to be ahead of me, or there's something in you that I need and I want and I crave, and don't just leave." Right? You could see it in different ways, and that becomes his name. And then, of course, he says, "I want your birthright." Now he's saying it outrightly. "You're the firstborn. I want to be the firstborn. I'm supposed to be the firstborn." Which is the continuation of the first story. "Why did you go out first? I should go out first. At least let me have it now. So, there's something in you that really belongs to me or something that I feel I want. Maybe it doesn't belong to me, but I want it. And then in the third story, it's exactly the same scene. Rifka says, your father is going to give your brother the blessings. I want you to go take them. How? It's not me. And Yaakov pretends to be somebody else. Now, Yaakov actually it goes up a notch cuz now he's not holding on to Esau's heel anymore. He's not even asking Esau to give him something that belonged to him or things belonged to him. Now, he says, you know what? I'll just be Esau. So, it's like a next level. Right? The first level, I'm just holding on to the heel. It's just a fact. It's a cute fact. In the second one, I'm actually asking you to sell me something that belongs to you. Or I or you think it belongs to you. And in the third one, I'm going to say, you know what? I'm going to pretend that I'm you. I'm actually going to be you. At least on an external level, I'm going to make believe that I am you, that I'm Esau, and I'm going to get that which Esau was supposed to get, the blessings. It's in this context that you have to hear the word levadoi. Vayevaser Yaakov levadoi. For the first time now, Yaakov is alone. Wow. It's not alone in the physical sense as much as it is alone in the existential sense. Of course, Yaakov was alone other times. I don't think 24/7 all these years Yaakov was never alone with anybody in a room. But already from the beginning, he was not alone. He didn't develop alone. He developed in mommy's womb with a twin. Told him. And now, vayevaser Yaakov levadoi. So, this is a different type of aloneness. It's the aloneness in the existential sense. If this is the case, vayavek ish imoi, the man who wrestles with him. And we ask the question, if you're alone, there's nobody there to wrestle with you. Don't say you're alone and then somebody appeared. You thought you were alone. That would be more appropriate. He wasn't alone. He thought he was alone. Somebody wrestles with him. Unless we see it a little differently. Unless vayavek ish imoi is, if the person who's wrestling with him is who? Himself. That would be the only justification to say he was alone. And the person wrestling with him is inside of that aloneness. The ish is inside of him. It's not outside of him. It's as somebody wants to define it, the dialogue of the self with the self. You know what that looks like? The dialogue of the self, not with somebody else, with the self. That's vayavek ish imoi. And the dialogue is very much about this, about levadoi. Yaakov's aloneness in the existential sense. Now, I want to take it away a moment from the story of Yaakov and Esau per se as historical figures, and really apply it more psychologically and emotionally to people's own lives. How would you apply this condition when you talk about a person? What does this look like in people's lives? I'm using just just just as a template to apply it to people's lives and their own journeys and struggles. One way of describing this would be And I want to thank my friend Abba Zera Atkins who wrote an essay on this parsha, and he described it this way. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks on the essay on the parsha also described it this way a little bit in different words, but this is the concept. One way of describing it is sometimes you'll have an insecure person. And when you have an insecure person, it could be on two levels. One is I'm consciously insecure, and one is I'm so insecure that I don't even consciously admit that I'm insecure. That's how insecure I am. It's too painful. So, I don't even tell myself that I'm insecure, which is a different level of insecurity. So, I don't even call it a struggle because this is my count. I'm so living in my darkness and in my shadows, I can't even acknowledge the fact that I'm suffering from insecurity. Like, the only thing worse than having anxiety is when I can't even admit that I'm having anxiety, and therefore I have to fake it and bury it, and the anxiety is called happiness, and it's crazy. Like, night is dark. I can't even deal with it cuz you're not allowed to even look at it. You're not at least there's a monster. Like, the only thing I once said about Israel, the only thing worse the greatest mistake of Israel was the only thing worse than being at war with your enemies is being at war with your enemies and denying that you're at war with your enemies. If you're at war with your enemies, it's a painful tragic situation, but there's an enemy, and I'm at war, and yes, I have to fight for my life. What's really dangerous is, oh, he's not an enemy. Actually, my friend, they want peace with me. And then, it's done. So, in everything it's like that. The acknowledging of something you do is a major troop. The weirdness of a challenge is already on a major major step in the cure of it. It's hard. It's painful. But the diagnosis, the identification of it, this is what I'm dealing with. In many ways, it's liberating. Truth sets us free, even if the truth is painful. It sets us much more free than falsehood, even if it's glorious. Right? Much better, I would prefer an ugly truth to a beautiful lie. You agree? The Gemara says in Maseches Yoma that uh that uh Daniel and Yirmiyahu did not call Hashem Hagibor Vahanora. They deleted those two words that Moshe Rabbeinu used, and we use in Shemoneh Esrei, Keil Hagadol Hagibor Vahanora. And the reason is cuz they saw the destruction, and they said, we can't say Hashem is gibor. He's not powerful, and we can't say he's nora. He's awesome. He's not. So, the Gemara says in Maseches Yoma, I don't understand. Moshe Rabbeinu said it. Like So, they don't understand. So, the say, I don't understand. Everybody who says Hagibor Vahanora has to understand. So, the Gemara says something unbelievable. Mitorch sheyadu shamiti hu like his way. Daniel and Yirmiyahu knew the main experience of Hashem is truthfulness. And therefore, they could not lie. Of course, they could say Moshe Rabbeinu said it. But but for them, this was so it was just not true, so they could not say it. Like his way. Then the Anshei Knesses Hagdola explained that God's strength and awesomeness doesn't necessarily mean something that's revealed. Sometimes, the strength and awesomeness is in the silence and in the concealment. So, we say Hagadol Vahanora. But the point is, they knew that God is true. I'm not going to flatter him with words that I they don't resonate. They don't relate. It's called an authentic relationship. So, when you talk about acknowledging something, being aware of something, sometimes it's painful, but it's real. It's authentic. It's really looking what is happening inside of me. It's not sugarcoating. You know, you can have beautiful sugar sugar dish or a beautiful cake and there's poison inside and inside, but on the outside, it's gevaldik. You know, all of us have ordered things. The packaging was amazing. The ads were beautiful, and then it comes in, it's a shmata bench mata bash mata. The same is true in life. Packaging is nice, but it can't substitute substance and essence. And when it does, it's really nauseating. And people who have any sensitivity to truth, it's just like stop it. Too many lies. So, when we're dealing with something, we always have to understand there's insecurity, and I'm conscious of it, and sometimes I don't even have the ability to be conscious of it. It's just there, and I just figure out how to distract myself from even knowing consciously what's happening. But imagine a person like that. Imagine, I mean, I think many of us can relate to this on different levels. And this person is constantly measuring himself or herself against others. And it's not through fault of their own. It's not fault. It's not malicious. It's not sinister. It's not I'm born, and I always want to measure myself. It's somehow part of my template of survival. Part of my coping mechanism is that I constantly I'm almost feel compelled. There's like an instinctive drive that I always need to compare myself to others. Sometimes in a very blatant way, sometimes in a very very brilliant manipulative way that I don't even realize that I'm doing it. Now, this person may go to all the right schools, gets good grades, has amazing resume, has a good reputation, but sometimes, they're hollow inside. Why? Because there's no essence. In the context of our story, we would say there's no Yaakov in it. You know, everything is good on the outside, and it's good. It really looks good. The yeshivas I went to, the schools I went to, the friends I made, the things I'm involved in, what people have to say, the shidduch resume, the reputation. And we can do that. Sometimes a whole life, and there's validation of the community, and there's talents and there's skills. Never mind if I give some tzedakah or give a couple of whatever it is. Everybody in their own way, I get it done. And on the outside, things look good, but deep inside, if I ever have a conversation with that, it's hard cuz I feel hollow. I feel empty. There's no essence. I'm winning at some external social finite game, but I'm losing the infinite the infinite vitality of life. I'm winning on a game, but it's a very social game. It's an external game. It's a game where a lot of people live, and some people find it comfortable, but really, I'm losing a different game. I'm losing the infinite game of the self. Because there's nothing that could replace your spiritual energy. There's nothing that could replace your essence, your truthfulness, your atzmius. And then, life presents us with a moment when this person snaps. This person snaps. And some of us are privileged to have that moment. Circumstances within or without, but it's a moment that we snap. And the Yaakov in you is forced to become individuated. Vayevaser Yaakov levadoi. It's now a dialogue of the self with the self. Sometimes I don't even have the tools. How do you even begin to do that? I know there's something hollow. I know there's something torturous. I know there's something off, but how do I even begin to address it? That itself can be completely hijacked. The methods that I use to address my loneliness could be hijacked by my need for social acceptance. Do you understand what I just said? Uh okay. [Laughter] And you know, it's a moment when you realize that competition, as a wise man once said, is actually for losers. I'll say that again. Competition is actually designed for losers. I stop imitating others because my real energy can't be copied by anybody, and I can't copy it from anybody. I can't. And it's a very, very deep, deep moment. Vayivaser Yaakov levado. What does that look like? Levado existentially. For this, I have to battle on ish inside of me who doesn't know what levado is. That ish is inside of me, but it's outside of me. And that ish is telling me I need to be somebody else. I need to copy somebody else. It's always in that anxious place of defending myself. Either I go on the offense or I go on the defense. But I can't truly be regulated. I'm not safe in my levado. It's a very, very deep emotional, emotional moment. And it's at that moment where you have to change your name. Where you actually get a new name. It's an It's not It's It's a different name. It's not Yaakov, it's Yisrael. And what Something else happens. He's injured in the process. We're also injured in the process. The injury symbolizes the lasting painfulness of becoming a self. There is a glory to it, and there's also a pain in it because I'm saying goodbye to so many familiar patterns. There's a pain there. It's a pain that I have to acknowledge. You never felt the pain in this? It's liberating, but there's a part that's so scared. The child in me that doesn't know that there's anything else is going to be frightened and overwhelmed. Huh? I grew, but there still may be a child that's scared. Because what is this one going to say? Huh? You took it with, but still but still it may be frightened from this new thing, and it may want to retreat into fear. And that first time maybe that I have to face that same person with a different posture, with a different position. That voice will be, "Are you crazy? Are you crazy? You're putting yourself in danger." Whatever that looks like. It's interesting that the scar that Yaakov experiences is that he's limping. What does limping really represent spiritually, emotionally? I cannot assume my full posture. I cannot stand erect. I'm limping. Emotionally, psychologically, it means when I'm constantly living, huh? Going slower, minimizing myself. Lowering my standard. Denigrating the inner energy that God is shining through me. In many ways, a person can't get a new name without some battle scars. Because it takes a lot of courage to take a new name. So, by detaching oneself from the shadow of Esau and the notion that I have to outcompete my brother or the other person for some scarce resource, whatever that resource is. Actually, I become who I am. And something else happens. He can also reconcile with me. It's not anymore a zero-sum game. Right after Yaakov reclaims Yaakov, you know what else happens? Esau can reclaim Yaakov. Esau can make space for Yaakov. Everything changes. In the next scene, everything changes. So, the vayyaavek ish im ad haboker hashachar is the person inside of me. Can I make peace inside myself? It's not an easy process. We can talk about it, but as you know, those who do this work emotionally, it's a very, very intense process because all of our fears come up. And our deepest, deepest desire for validation and safety and attachment come up. This touches very, very core places. Usually morphs into a lot of grief and tears because when I do realize it, it's also all the years that I've been spending being somebody else or impressing somebody else and not even knowing it and really trying to do the right thing cuz most people are trying to do the right thing with the resources they have. And at this moment, we learn what it means to be levado. That the Torah wants us to have authentic relationships with ourselves, with Hashem, with others. And to authentically participate in relationships. Even if I'm part of a community, part of a family, part of of part of people I love and love me, but I want to be able to show up authentically. And authenticity comes with a price. It's levado. I need to be authentic to my energy. It's not easy because if for years and years and years, you know, we've learnt to dance a certain dance, which worked for so many people. When you start changing that dance, you will see people who get it will like, "Mazel tov. Welcome to the planet. Wow. Breathe. Now I can breathe around you. Mazel tov." And other people will either cut relationships with you or just make fun or denigrate or want to know if you're listening to Rabbi YY's classes recently. Have you been brainwashed, indoctrinated? What's this Oh oh this new pop liberal left-wing psychology. Oh so you're now also a victim. Oh you're also a victim. Oh you had a miserable life. Wow, how miserable was your life? How miserable? You know, your grandmother was in Auschwitz. You brat, you self-centered narcissistic American brat whose greatest crisis is that you lost the keys to the car. Huh. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. So, it really makes you feel much better if I'm a narcissist, doesn't it? But we're not going to go there. But the point is there's a threat, and if I'm threatened, I'm going to react. And I'm also trying to survive. Or in many ways, I'm actually trying to express my love towards this person cuz you're really going down a path that is very dangerous, and I already knew at age three that we don't go down that path. That's why I disassociated. That's why I shut down my heart. I'm laughing. It's not so funny in real life. But different people will react different ways. The opening seif in Shulchan Aruch, the whole Shulchan Aruch is the literally the code of Jewish law. Al al yevish adam al yegam. Don't be humiliated by those who scoff. Those who mock. Why is that at the beginning of Shulchan Aruch? Cuz the only way to live a life in which you're loyal to your authentic divine energy in a very deep way is if I can get over this hurdle. People make comments. People make comments. I can have compassion, but I'm going to remain with an open heart. It's not going into defensiveness or going into attack. It's really remaining in a very authentic space of I'm not here. I was not created to flatter anybody and to impress anybody and to win some external game of competition for losers in some external facade. It's It's It's Life is too precious. It's too holy. There's too much love at stake. There's too much light at stake to just squander it based on the anxiety that is deeply embedded in my survival templates. Huh? Yes. Yes. It didn't come from me. I'm just telling you it didn't come from me. As I was saying it, I knew that it didn't come from me. Just came through me. So, I'm a channel. Yes. Yes. Yeah. When I change my dance, everybody So, some people will like, "Wow. It's like, wow. It is so moving. It is so inspiring. Wow. I want to I want to be They'll say, "I want to be around you. Let's spend time together. I want to learn from you." And another person is like, "Something is wrong with her. I don't know what she's taking, what they put into the eggs, somebody's putting in the coffee in the morning, something. I don't know. She started to go here. Whatever." And gone some mishigas. She used to be a normal woman, a balabusta, a balabusta, isha ksheira oiseres ba'ala. She was exactly the way you're supposed to be. Everything was perfect. And it's kavod. And by the way, her husband is the tzaddik hador. So, I don't even b'chlall know the issue cuz he is the tzaddik of the generation or he's one of the lamed vav tzaddikim nistarim. Yeah. Problem is he's such a tzaddik nistar even God doesn't know it. I'm just joking. Yeah. I'm just using a little humor to sweeten up the situation. He's a good guy. He is a tzaddik. Yeah. But am ech kulam tzaddikim. Right. That's true. That's where That's why you don't know never embarrass from people who mock cuz if you would know what's happening inside their souls, it's usually a terrible place of desperation. Of course. Of course. Whenever I'm feeding off, my energy is feeding off mocking people, it means I'm in a very desperate place. Whenever I need energy and I get it from gossiping, slandering, cynicism, making fun of people like in in in this dismissive mocking way, it's means I have no energy. I'm actually on empty, and I'm looking for garbage cans to fill myself. That's what I do. That That That's how it is. Yeah. Somebody Yeah. Oh, big time. Vayivaser Yaakov levado v'nisgav Hashem levado bayom hahu. V'nisgav Hashem levado ein od milvado. Your levado is His levado. That's geulah. That's exactly what the medrash is saying. It's not just a medrash. Levado levado. Cute words. It's real geulah. It's real redemptive consciousness. And it's the opposite of selfishness. You would think, "Oh, levado. it's not good to be levadoi. Be be selfless. Don't be selfish." Yeah. Exactly. Yes. Yes. This is individual a moment of redemption and this is where he gets a name change and that becomes our name Yisrael, not Yaakov. Yes. Yes. This is Yaakov's individuated gullah, so to speak, relative to his level. I just have to mention when I spoke about an insecure person, I was just using this idea in Yaakov's level itself we'll see in a moment it's on a much much higher level. You talk about the avos, heynan amer kava. But this is how it applies to us individually and then it becomes national, which is the gullah of the nation. And the only way a nation gets redeemed is when individually we can become redeemed. Because a million people are made up of a million individuals. When people dismiss inner work like, "Ah, come on, there's bigger problems." What's the bigger problem? The bigger problems is ignoring every problem. But when you say there's bigger problems than this, right? What does that look like? What do you mean bigger problems? Of course there's bigger problems. What am I supposed to do about the bigger problems? I could show up with my life, with my love, with my divinity. Comprende, yeah? Okay. So now somebody else was raising their hand. Yes. Mhm. Beautiful. Thank you. Yes. So in our authentic relationships that we all search to find we can build relationships. We don't have to be levadoi. But there's a relationship that comes at the cost of levadoi where I'm non-existent for the relationship. That's not a relationship. I sacrifice my authenticity to be attached. How attached are you? In a marriage, this is one of the great struggles because we all have these dual needs. On the Yeshiva that night I just posted a beautiful seminar that Marsha Zev gave. He's a marriage therapist here. About In In marriage we have two needs. We want attachment, but we also want to be authentic. I want to be loyal to myself and I want attachment. The problem is how do you do both? And what if attachment means that I can't be authentic? I have to sacrifice my authenticity cuz if I come as an authentic person, there's no attachment. I'm not interested. Children have it with their parents. Can I be authentic with my parents? Or if I'm authentic with my parents, I don't have a mother. I don't have a father. Let me play a game so that way my father is going to love me. My mother is going to love me. My Yeshiva is going to love me. My friends are going to love me. There's no levadoi there, but the problem is I'm not attached. My masks are attached to you, not me. The same is true with Hashem. If my relationship with Hashem is based on a mask, I'm going to say X Y Z, feel X Y Z so that God loves me. How deep is my relationship? My relationship is only limited to the mask. At the moment of levadoi is a real relationship. So we can only have real relationships by cultivating a robust thoughtful and honest and authentic and real and vulnerable sense of self. Otherwise, community relationships, marriage relationships, family relationships, friend relationships become inauthentic hotbeds of dysfunction. That was also good. Because people project their unworked and unresolved inner conflict and tension onto one another. And if you understand what I just said, you understand a lot. Huh? Of course. Of course. Yes. Now, it's interesting. We try to replace authenticity because we all want it, but sometimes with the wrong things. I want to show you that the word levadoi is already in parshas Vayishlach in a whole different context. If you take a look in your source sheets again, take a look in 1 2 3 4, the fourth paragraph of the source sheets. Vayishlach from base yud zayin. Vayiten biyadah avodov eder eder levadoi. You know what this is talking about? Yaakov took animals. He divided them into herds and he sent them to Esav as a gift. Every eder, every herd levadoi, alone. Why? Alone. He wants to give Esav a really really lavish gift so every herd should occupy its own space, have its own identity. That's the first time levadoi is in Vayishlach. The second time is Vayivaser Yaakov levadoi, but here's the paradox. Animals are not supposed to be levadoi. An eder by definition is a herd. The herd doesn't want to be levadoi. Yeah, okay. I'm sure sometimes animals, I'm sure like a little space for themselves. I'm not so familiar with their psyche and consciousness. But generally, this unique nucleus of levadoi, this struggle with authenticity and inauthenticity is not something I can do through separating my animals from each other. Vayivaser Yaakov levadoi. It's at that moment after he sends over the gift where in the middle of the night in the dialogue of self to self, Yaakov now remains alone. How does one graduate from Yaakov to Yisrael? How do we make that change? Another question. Do you know that the Torah says in Brachas daf yud gimmel that we're not allowed to call Avram Avram cuz Hashem changed his name to Avraham. And yet Yaakov we still could call him Yaakov. We don't just say Yisrael because the Torah calls him Yaakov even after the name change. From now on Yaakov will have two names, not one name. Avram goes to Avraham and that sticks. Yaakov is changed to Yisrael, but later in Chumash sometimes he's called Yaakov, sometimes he's called Yisrael. Eleh told us Yaakov Yosef. Vayaya Yisrael. Vayaya Yaakov. Vayamei Yaakov Yaakov. Huh? Vesach Avnei Yisrael Eleh Shmos Bnei Yisrael Bavim Mitzrayimah. It goes It alternates. One second. Did you make a name change? Didn't you make a name change? What happened? He's now back to Yaakov, back to Yisrael. Boom boom boom boom boom. Ping pong. If this is such a serious moment, why are you going back to that name? You'll see it again and again. Hashem says clearly, "I'm changing your name." In Vayishlach it says, "Your name is not Yaakov. Your name is Yisrael." So why do you call him Yaakov again? Oh, so it's not so simple. So what is really happening here? And then we really have to understand by Yaakov what does that mean? Cuz when he's holding on to Esav's heel or he's taking his birthright or he takes his blessings, just to describe it as an inferiority complex, which I understand with many people is a very true thing. We suffer from inferiority. Comes some people have deep templates of shame that is embedded in the core of their system. I know a little bit about this cuz I also struggle with it and it's a very common It's It's a It's a thing that many of us know about in a very deep place and you really have It's a lot of work to deal with it. What does it really mean with Yaakov? How do we apply to Yaakov's life? So here we have to understand one more detail. You remember how Yaakov approached Esav? It says he bowed down seven times, went down to the earth seven times. Ad gishto ad ach. Why seven? Why not one, two, three? I would say one is nice. You want to do two. Even Yom Kippur we do koidim five times. Here we have seven times. Why seven? Why not eight? Why not 10? Why not 20? Why not five? Why not one or two? Obviously there's something very symbolic about the seven times. Huh? So we need to understand that, right? So the truth is that Yaakov and Yisrael really and we now take it to the deeper dimension of Yaakov and Yisrael. It's not a mistake that we struggle with others. That itself is not a mistake. It's not like we just have dysfunctional lives and we have to heal. Real healing means that you liberate every part of your life. Real healing means that I look at all parts of my life, including including things that went wrong, including things that I was unaware of and they all become part of the healing process. The way the Gemara puts it in Maseches it says when you do chuva out of love, even your sins become mitzvos. What that means in life is that I I don't just say, "Wow, the first 50 years of my life, waste of time. 40 years I was blindfolded and deaf." It's true, I was. 60 years I was living under a rock. Maybe I was living under a rock. But you know what happens? In real liberation and healing you transform even the past. And I'll tell you why. There's a certain depth and humility and empathy you have when you live under a rock for 50 years that nobody else has. There's a certain inner experience of life and gratitude that you have because there was dysfunction for 40 years. Just like somebody who went through the hostage as I told you once I was a hostage. Came out of Gaza and he's just staring at the sun. He says all he wants to do now, he stands all day looking at the sky. We look at the sky, okay, I saw it. He doesn't say I saw it. Two years in a tunnel, he's now just wants to look at the sky. Every pain that we go through becomes a stepping ground for unbelievable growth. The The The The The wound of Yaakov, the battle scar of Yaakov of limping is not just, "Okay, you were limping your whole life." It becomes your strength. It becomes your gift. Divine providence didn't want to torture you. Divine providence was guiding your soul to the light that you need to give to the world. And this is so important for people to understand uh So, it doesn't say clearly in Chumash, but Chazal learn out from the pesukim that he was healed, that afterwards he was healed. But what does it really mean healing? He could go back and reclaim even the wound as part of the healing. We're not just thrown into darkness and then one day hopefully you'll be liberated from it. And who understood this best? Yaakov. Because when he says goodbye to this adversary, he should have said 911, call 911, Hatzalah, Misaskim, whatever chaverim, and leave. He says, "I'm not letting you go till you bless me." "I need your blessing." "You need my blessing? I'm your killer. I'm your enemy. I'm your shadow. I'm your skeleton. I'm your insecurity. I'm your demon." "I want your bracha." "What?" Yeah. Yaakov says, "I I didn't live with you so many years. So, I could just get out of you and say baruch shepetrani, get out of my life. I need to come out of this relationship much more blessed, much more empowered, much more strong, much more deep, much more authentic. The greatest light you will see in people is the light of people who didn't only leave a situation, which is the first step, but then managed to appreciate the fact that there was a certain light and depth and wisdom that you bring to yourself and to the people around you and to the world only because of those experiences. There's no appreciation, humility, and gratitude like the one that comes precisely because I was so deaf and blind and unaware and clueless. You look at love differently. You appreciate truthfully truth differently. Titein emes leYaakov, because the contrasts allows you really to appreciate truth in a completely different way. It's a whole different experience. So, we learn that it's not just I'm insecure, I'm trying to copy Esav, and it's time for me to say, "This is who I am. You like me, good. If not, you don't have to invite me to the Chanukah party." That's a small part of it. There's a much deeper part of it. And that is when I learn that my engagement with all of these forces was really essential to my journey. So, here we come to the step of Yaakov and Yaakov and and and and Yisrael, understanding that Yaakov's name needs to remain Yaakov even after the transformation. Because there's two parts to our life. And both parts are genuinely authentic, even though they express themselves in such different ways. And that's also what Yaakov learns after this whole story. You don't just go run to Yisrael. You also go back to Yaakov. Because what this means in a person's life is if we take the word Yaakov, as we said, it means yud aikev, you're holding the heel, aikev. If you take the word Yisrael, it's the opposite. The letters Yisrael are le roshi. Yud sin reish aleph lamed makes up le roshi, my head, or le rosh, to me is the head. It's the opposite of Yaakov. It's a funny change. Yud aikev is I'm holding your your your soul, your heel, the bottom. Suddenly Yisrael is le rosh, I have the head. Le rosh, the head is mine. The rosh is coming le, it's coming to me. Le roshi. That's so interesting. Am I holding onto the heel or was I given the head? Which one is it? Can you decide? And from all names, he could have made another change. He could have made Yaakov I don't know, Adam, whatever. He decided to Yisrael, which is the opposite. But that's exactly the point. Because we have two postures in our life. We have the moment when I'm holding onto the heel. Whose heel? Esav's heel. And that's the best I can do, and that's what I need to do. And then we have a moment where I'm actually not holding onto anybody's heel. I'm not I'm I'm in a in a completely different space. I'm in a transcendent space. I'm in a space of Yisrael. Could be. If you take a look in your second to the last source sheet, Rashi lamed beis kuf tes. Lo Yaakov, lo yei'amer od Yaakov she baruch Hashem b'acharei me Yaakov b'schar ilupon. Nobody's going to say anymore that you took the blessings by outsmarting your brother, by deceiving him, by making believe you're him. No, you're going to do it b'srarah, as a ruler, with an open face. You're not going to hide anymore. You're not going to say, "I'm Esav and therefore I got the blessings." No, I'm not Esav. I'm Yisrael and therefore I got the blessings. Wow. You deserve blessings because of you, not because you're somebody else. You don't have to put on the masks and the clothes of your brother to get blessings. Can you accept that? You know, this is one of the hardest things for people to accept, right? You relate to this. It's a very very deep experience. Can you I don't mean say it. We could all say it. I mean believe it in your nervous system. I don't have to anymore deceive. I don't have to put on masks. I don't have to say I'm somebody else, even to myself. I don't have to go into another person's life to get blessings. Whoa. I could be Yisrael, srarah. I could be a sar. I can be with a gibor. Here I am. I'm not anochi Esav b'chiracha. I'm not anochi Esav b'chiracha. I'm not. That's what Rashi says. That's the name change. What does that mean in a person's life? What that means in a person's life is there's moments that I do not know my power. I don't know who I am. And therefore I need to put on this person's clothes, copy this person's words, assume this person's identity, make believe I'm borrowing and feeding off you so that I should be able to be deserving of the great fortune and blessings in life. Cuz I don't know who I am. And then there comes a moment where I completely know who I am. And I'm not only comfortable with it, but I'm privileged to be that person, not in an arrogant way, but because knowing that this Yisrael is a channel for everything. And that's what it means to live in my head or to live in my heels. Not no pun intended. Easy for a guy to say, right? We don't wear heels. But what does it mean to live in my ukev? What does it mean to live in my Either I live with the lowest part of my it's called frequency. Either the lowest form of my vibrations, the lowest vibrations, which is usually shame and dependence, codependence, and guilt, and and on a masochism and resentment, or in the highest frequency of my spiritual and emotional vibrations, in my head. Am I living as a rosh, as a sar? Do I know who I am? Am I a leader? Am I proactive? Or am I just a nochshlepper? I look at myself as a heel, not even my heel. I'm holding onto my brother's heel. "Tell me where to go. Tell me where to go. I'm just holding onto your heel." I'm completely not living my energy, my potential. If we talk about it in terms of a spiritual posture, take a look, and here is where you see the whole connection of Torah. 40 hundreds of years later, Bilam is going to talk about the Jewish people. And he's going to mention in one pasuk Yaakov and Yisrael, but he's going to change the words. You take a look in your last source of the pasuk, Balak perek kuf gimmel. Lo hibit oven b'Yaakov v'lo amal b'Yisrael. Hashem did not see iniquity in Yaakov and did not see toil. Amal is toil, effort, in Yisrael. What is he talking about? He's talking about the two postures of the Jew individually and collectively. Yaakov is when I'm struggling because I don't know who I am. What does that look like practically? I'll tell you what it looks like practically in my life. It looks like sometimes I want to eat something. The food is unhealthy. There's a part of me that knows that I don't want to eat it. But yet I do want to eat it. I'm not going to tell you what I do in actuality. You'll figure it out. You look at me and you'll figure it out. You know what the greatest struggle at that moment is? I don't know who I am, cuz the what the food is telling me is, "Rabbi YY, of course you want to eat me. I'm your Messiah for the next 5 minutes. You eat me, you're in a good mood for 5 minutes. After that, I got to go, whatever, I got to do other things, deal with my depression." But this happens in so many so many areas. Somebody's describing to me they have deep deep struggles when it comes to relationships, with their body and their heart. They have deep deep struggles. And sometimes they'll see something or they'll have a thought, and right now they are in a deep conflict with Esav. And the conflict is so deep because I don't know who I am. All the power of temptation, the power of fear, the power of guilt, the power of shame is it tells you, "You are me. I am you." You're not wearing the clothes of Esav. You are Esav. Look in the mirror, you're Esav. Of course you're promiscuous. Of course you're wretched. Of course you're lazy. Of course you're depressed. Of course you have social anxiety. Of course you hate yourself. Of course the whole world hates you. Of course you're an addict. Of course your thoughts need to go there, and this is the fantasies that are feeding you. And what's my avodah then? My avodah literally then is to say no. I'm not. I'm not Esav. This is called avodas habirurim. In halachos of Shabbos, we have something called birur. You remember birur? What's birur? Birur is is a mixture, good things, bad things. You have to separate. Shabbos, we don't do that. All the week we do that. Your salad has some rotten pieces of lettuce. You separate the bad from the good. No, out. I don't want this in my salad. I don't want this in the food. The cutlery is mixed, clothes up. You separate. What does separation look like? If you don't separate, they're one. It's a challenge. Yad hayah Yaakov Esav means I'm enmeshed, I'm entangled, and I have to say, "Whoa. Whoa. Get back to my core. What is my core? My core is I'm not an addict. I don't want to I I I don't want to live with addiction. I may have a struggle. I'm not I don't want to live with promiscuity. Yes, I have an insecurity in me. I have a certain a certain challenge that if I see something or I hear something, it may trigger a deep deep survival template. It may trigger a deep struggle that I have, and if I don't control it, I can go there. Some people have it with depression. Some people have it with anxiety. Some people have it with promiscuity, with immodesty, with with with with websites or computers or places that are unhealthy, unproductive, immoral, and I have to know that about me. And at that moment, that seems like reality. You know, sometimes your spouse may say something, your child may say something, and you're overtaken with anger. You want to scream, you want to holler, you want to run away. And that's what it feels like. That's who I am. And at that moment, I can't just say, "It's not who I am. I'm a saint." No. You need to acknowledge the fact that my inner child, my animal consciousness, is very, very scared. Now, it's triggered. [Music] And I literally need to hold on. I need to hold on to the heel of Esau so that it doesn't take me over. That it doesn't go first, that it doesn't take over the driving uh the the steering wheel. It's like you're driving a car, you have a backseat driver who says, "You're doing it wrong. You're an idiot. You don't know how to drive. You should have never gotten a license. You're going to kill us and the whole family. You're a loser. Take a right. Take the light, you idiot. Take a left." Now, what you would love to do is take the backseat driver and throw him out of the car for good. For whatever reason, you can't do it. You may be married to him or whatever. I don't know the reason. You can't throw him out of the car. So so the FDR, it's not a good place to throw him out. Well, wait till he gets to his mother's house. You'll leave him there. I can't always throw out the backseat driver. So, what do I do? I give him the steering wheel? The guy is going to get me into a ditch. You hold onto the steering wheel. You acknowledge that it's uncomfortable, but don't give away your steering wheel. That's what it looks like to be in a battle with Esau. There's a part of me inside of me that is a backseat driver. Go here. Go there. Do there. Do there. Go back into your trust. Go back into your safety. Go back into your oneness. This is not a place of pure bliss. There is pain. There is struggle. Like Yaakov oven Yaakov, but there is still amal. Amal is haravania. There is toil. There is effort. There is a lot of effort. It's da void of birur. I constantly have to distinguish. They once asked the Baal Shem Tov, "If everything is about dveykus, oneness with Hashem, how can you have dveykus in the bathroom?" And the Baal Shem Tov said, "Where is there a deeper dveykus than identifying what belongs to you and what does not belong to you?" And that's what the bathroom is. Where is there a deeper dveykus than identifying this belongs to me and this is birur. I evacuate it from my system. You understand the richness of what he was saying. Where are you going to get a better That is dveykus. Dveykus doesn't always look like I melt away in ecstatic bliss. It would be great, but that's not what it looks like. Sometimes dveykus is, "This is painful. This hurts. This is a real struggle. Yes, I want to react in a very, very maybe challenging or unbecoming way. And I need to really breathe in to my true light, to my divine soul, and not let my animal soul, represented by Esau, take over. I have to hold onto his heel. And yes, there is an There could be entanglement, and that's why I have to do birur. I have to be able to unburden and disentangle and be able to identify different parts in me, and be able to say, "Yeah, this hurts. This is hard. This is a hard struggle." Because there's a part in my system, there's a pattern in my template that tells me that if I follow this temptation, or if I follow this thought, or if I eat this food, or if I go to this website, or if I engage in this relationship, I'm going to be safe. I'm going to be happy. But I know from experience that it's not true. That's the Yaakov state of life. There is a Yisrael state of life. The Yisrael state of life is you're completely guided by your own inner soul. The backseat driver has been thrown out of the car. Or even better, he has realized that you know how to drive, and he's become quiet. And maybe he's even become your supporter. Yisrael is lo yira amal b'Yisrael. It's those moments in life when you have such clarity. Ah. It's like tchesemes. Lo yira amal b'Yisrael. Yaakov lo yichbet oven b'Yaakov. I don't have to sin. I don't have to fall prey. I could be in control. Yisrael is where I even go beyond amal. It's where you sav. It's those moments in life. I'm sure perhaps some of you have experienced it, especially those who do internal work of healing, where it's like there is such clarity of how beautiful you are, how amazing your soul is, how gorgeous, how harmonious, how divine, how sacred. Of course I know who I am. This is not even tempting for me. It's trash. It's like I'll be to a a be at a wedding. There's the most beautiful smorgasbord of healthy, delicious food, which means kale and cucumbers. And then I'm going to go to the Viennese table and eat pareve cheesecake and malach hamoves chocolate mousse. I got to be crazy. So, if I'm in a state of intoxication, if I'm in a little anxiety, of course I go to the chocolate mousse instead of the cucumbers. It's a fast thrill. But if you're in a blissful place, if you're centered, you all know the difference. I'm not even tempted to go there. I'm going to go to the garbage can and start eating like a dog from the bones. So, in a state of Yisrael, there's so much self-respect, there's so much regulation. You're so connected to your inner light. It's like I'm not even There's no lo yira amal b'Yisrael. It's not a struggle at the moment. So, why don't we stay there? Because we can't, and we're not supposed to. We go back to Yaakov. People who feel they're going to go to Yisrael and going to stay there are going to be disappointed, and then they're going to be more guilty. We have to know there could be a moment in my life where I have the greatest clarity in the world. I could almost expe- I could experience Hashem. You can experience your nervous system as a flow of God's energy. You're in regulation. There's a stability. You're in safety. You're You feel a deep, deep safety. You have a clarity, and there's a beautiful, beautiful joy in that. It's a silent, internal joy that you could feel in your nervous system, in your spine, in your heart, in a very embodied way. Literally in your guf, you could feel it. And I I have to know also that in an hour from now, I may get a text, and it's all going to disappear. And suddenly I'm going to be in a very katnusdik, in a very small and petty mode. And say, "What happened? What happened?" It's like a couple goes on vacation. They have this blissful time. They come home a day later, suddenly they're fighting again. What happened? The answer is people don't operate on one frequency. We have so many different parts. I have a divine soul and I have an animal consciousness. And even if the animal consciousness was asleep, it's only like a bear that's hibernating in the winter. But it wakes up. And when the bear wakes up, it starts visiting. "I'm looking for food. I'm looking for entertainment. I'm looking for distractions." So, even after Yaakov goes into Yisrael and you know who you are, that gives you the compass. It gives you the essence. But we still have the name Yaakov because there's two different avodas, and that's what it really means in Yaakov's life. That when he was holding onto Esau's heel, it's the part of the avoda where you battle. There is a milchama, and I have to be able to feel the pain and be able to identify who I really am and where I'm going to go, and how I'm going to actively think, speak, and do. Like the Tanya says, I can't always control every emotion and instinct. But I could be present enough to be able to say, "What am I going to engage my thoughts in actively? What's going to come out of my mouth? And what my behavior is going to be?" Then there is a state of Yisrael where there's like an absolute serenity that takes you over. And it's a difference of Shabbos and the weekdays. You know, there's a minyan in many, many communities that Motzei Shabbos is a beautiful song, "Al tira avdi Yaakov." You may remember your zayde singing, "Al tira avdi Yaakov." Bachar ashem b'Yaakov. They go through the whole alef bais. Have a pasuk for Yaakov that begins with alef bais, gimmel, dalet. Bachar ashem b'Yaakov. Go Hashem as Yaakov. All the way habayim habayim. Yishash Yaakov. And it's The chorus is "Al tira avdi Yaakov," which is a verse in Yeshayahu. Because on Shabbos, we don't do birur. You remember from hilchos Shabbos, you're not allowed to do birur on Shabbos. If there's something in the salad you don't like, you could separate the good from the bad, not the bad from the good. And even the good from the bad, you could separate only if you need it right then. And with your hands, not with like a sieve. What's the concept spiritually? Why Why can't you? Cuz on Shabbos is not the avoda of birur. Shabbos is the avoda of Yisrael, not Yaakov. Shabbos, the Jewish soul has the capacity to be in a state of oneness. So, it's not about I'm separating the bad from the good. I'm I'm in a different space. Now, I know we're not always there, but that's the potential energy of Shabbos. Motzei Shabbos, things change. We have PSS, post-Shabbos syndrome. That's why we smell besamim. So, what do What do we say? "Al tira avdi Yaakov." Yaakov can get scared. It's It's scary to go into that space. It's scary to have to go into a space, and now who am I? Who am I not? Do I have to be you? Do I have to not be you? Do I have to copy you? Not you. Is this really my energy? Am I guilty? Am I not guilty? Am I pure? Wow. Oh my God. So, Hashem announces to the whole Jewish nation, "Al tira avdi Yaakov Motzei Shabbos." Don't be afraid, my servant Yaakov. Don't be afraid. You got this. You're not being punished. You're being sent into the place where you can actually extract all the sparks over there. Because it's not just, as we said before, running away from your dysfunction. It's working it through because the depth and the love and the light you're going to conquer through that and you're going to radiate through that is going to be unprecedented. So, Motzei Shabbos, it's now to go Go out of your gan Eden in Yisrael, and you're going to go into Yaakov. And don't be afraid. Al tira avdi Yaakov. Don't back off. Don't start limping. Don't duck. So now, finally, and here we come to the last point, we'll understand why Yaakov bows down seven times. Okay? So now, just bear with me. I wrote down all the numbers here, so it's not going to be complicated. We're going to do this briefly and concisely, even though this itself is a whole shiur, but we're going to get to the point. Let's take the name Yitzchak. Yud, tzadik, ches, kuf. I already treat it for you. Yud is 10. 90 is a Sadiq is 90, ches is eight, kuf is 100. So if you have kuf is 100 and Sadiq is 90, it's 190 plus Yud is 10 is 200 plus ches is eight. So Yitzchak is the numerical value of 208. Beautiful. Let's take Yaakov. The name Yaakov Yud Ayin Kuf Bays is 182. Because Kuf is 100, Ayin is 70, so that's 170 plus Yud is 10 is 180, Bays is two. So Yaakov is 182. Let's take Eisav. Eisav is 376, right? The largest number. Shin is 300, Ayin is 70, and Vav is six. Tamei is Tes is nine, Mem is 40, that's 49, Aleph is one. 49 and one is 50. Now we have Hashem's name Yud and Hey and then a Vav and Hey famously is 26. Yud is 10, Hey and Hey is 10, Vav is six, so it's all together 26. So now let's understand something, okay? If Shem Havaya is 26, I'm going to need the mathematicians here. You have your calculator out or you don't have to use a calculator, right? Who did well in mathematics in math in Bais Yaakov? You forgot. Okay, fine. You did well. Okay. How much is 8 * 26? 8 * 26, you want to look it up? 8 * 26 208. Whose name is that? Yitzchak. So Yitzchak is eight eight times Shem Havaya. Remember that his bris, he's the first Jewish boy to get a bris when? Eight eight days old. Avraham was 99, Yishmael was 13, Yitzchak was eight days old, the first Jewish child who was born a Jewish child. He has eight times the name Shem Havaya Yud Kay Vav Kay eight times in his name Yitzchak. 208 is eight times Hashem's name cuz eight times 26 is 208. Now 208 minus 26 is how much? 182, right? 182 plus 26 is 192, 202, 208. So 208 minus 26 is 182. Whose name is that? Yaakov. So Yaakov is seven times Shem Havaya. Hey hey, one second. Why was he gypped from the yerusha? Yitzchak had eight times, why did Yaakov get seven times and that's his name? Yaakov seven times Shem Havaya. Who took the eighth one? Who stole that? If he came on uh Eisav. One second. Eisav is a lot Eisav is 376, but let's see this. Remember Tamei is 50, right? So this is going to be an easy one. How much is 7 * 50? 350. Right? Seven six times 50 is 300, seven times 50 is 350. Eisav is 376. So 50 plus 26 is Eisav. So Eisav is seven times Tamei, but he also has what? God's name, Shem Havaya. Huh? Yeah yeah. He's Eisav's son, he's the yerish, right? He's Eisav's son. He's Eisav's I mean sorry, he's Yitzchak's son. Yitzchak had eight times Shem Havaya. Eisav has one. The problem with Eisav is it's protected. It has seven times Tamei. Yitzchak is seven times Hashem Yaakov is sorry. Yitzchak is eight times Shem Havaya. Yaakov is seven times the name of Hashem. Eisav is seven times Tamei, which corresponds which parallels Zelu Umazeh. The seven times Yud Kay Vav Kay of Yaakov, but Eisav still has another 26 cuz he has one time God's name inside. And that's really why Yitzchak wants to bless Eisav. Yitzchak knows that Eisav has in him great sparks. In fact, some great some of the greatest souls of the Jewish people came from Eisav. Reb Meir was a ger, a convert. Shmaya and Naftali and Avadya, huh? Yeah. Like we learned we learned a few week last week it was, no? That if Eisav would have maximized himself, yeah? He could have been even greater greater. So that's why Eisav essentially has that Shem Havaya deep deep embedded in him, but there's seven times Tamei blacking it. And Yaakov is seven times Shem Havaya. Now is a moment when Yaakov meets Eisav. Yaakov meets Eisav. He's expecting war. But something else happens. Once Yaakov confronts the Eisav inside of him now Yaakov bows down how many times? Seven times. If you look in the language of the pasuk in the second paragraph the second paragraph the second paragraph that says Vahu over lifnei vayishtachu artza sheva pa'amim ad gishto ad achiv. You see it says twice ad. He bows down seven times on the ground until he approaches until his brother. It should have said ad gishto el achiv until he came to his brother. What's ad gishto ad achiv? This means each time he was trying to get closer and closer to his brother. But the way he gets closer to his brother is not just physically, it's emotionally. The bowing down each time is basically working on one of the times of Shem Havaya. Because the seven times Yud Kay Vav Kay of Yaakov's name is blocked by the seven Tamei of Eisav cuz 350 is Tamei. And the last Havaya, the eighth one which Eisav took is embedded deep deep deep in his consciousness. The tragedy of Eisav is that he himself doesn't even know about it. But Yaakov identifies it. So as Yaakov bows down again and again and again because Eisav has the spark of kedusha. So deep down there is that Yud Kay Vav Kay. So now what we're hap what's what's happening now is something very powerful happens. Each time he bows down he's prostrating himself to the Yud Kay Vav Kay that is inside of Eisav. So why seven times? Cuz you have to get through seven blockages, seven layers. Seven layer cake, that's where it came from. Seven layers. The Gemara says the yetzer hara has seven names. So basically each time he's penetrating another wall, another blockage, another blockage, another blockage. And then what's left with Eisav? Yud Kay Vav Kay, that's what's left. Once what's left in Vav Kay Yud Kay what's left Yud Kay Vav Kay, they're now brothers. They're not enemies anymore. They love each other. They're actually one. They're So of course he can hug him. Of course he can kiss him. Of course they can cry together. And they're crying is not just crying of just nostalgia of it's a deeper crying. It's where the souls come together. It's like where you see each other's innocence. It's like wow, how I misread you. I didn't even know you cuz I didn't even know me. As long as I don't know me, I'll never know you. As long as I never see me, all I'll see in you is a projection of my own insecurities or a projection of my own fears. And that's how I will judge you. That's how I will cast you. Only when I see me can I begin to see you. I never saw you. And at this moment Eisav can see Yaakov. Yaakov can see Eisav. See their soul. See their purity. See their innocence. At that moment Chazal say it was a momentary extraordinary experience of reconciliation that is a foretaste of geula venizga v'Hashem levado in a paradoxical way by Yaakov going into his levado he can also see Eisav's levado. By me being true and authentic to me, I can actually see you much more. When I was trying to be you, I didn't see me and I didn't see you. And when I could retreat into my true essence, I I see me and you know who else I see? I see you. And then you I empower you to see you and to see me. And that's what happens. Layer after layer after layer, facade facade facade facade. And it's very easy to get distracted. He's like, "I'm done with this guy." He continues. He continues. He knows this is the moment. The courage that it takes. He bows down again and bows down again and bows down again. I see that Yud Kay Vav Kay. I see it. And then after seven times ad gishto ad achiv until boom, you're my brother. We're brothers. We're actually one. All of our issues is you didn't know yourself. You didn't know me. I didn't know myself. I didn't know you. Eisav also has this core of Shem Havaya. And it's a different level. It's a different level of connection. It's a different level of unity. And what happens now? He has a name change to Yisrael. And now take a look at this fascinating thing. If you take a look at the word Satan Satan is how much? 359. If you take a look at Yisrael it's 541. What does this mean? How much is 359 Satan together with Yaakov which is 182? Yisrael. Very good. So when Yaakov manages to take on and acquire the qualities of the Satan. In other words, when he manages to reveal the spark in Eisav and brings that into Yaakov, he uses the powers of Eisav and harnesses that then for his own avodas Hashem, he becomes Yisrael Kisarisa. Now there's a complete transformation. There's no enemy. And this is true in every person's life. We all go through these stages. We go through the stages where Yaakov and the confusion with Eisav inside. I don't see me. I don't see you. We do it with other people. We do it with ourselves. We do it with our relationships. And then there comes that clarity where there is that deeper deeper understanding even of who Eisav is. Eisav is also trapped. Eisav is really really trapped. The Eisav in me is trapped and my entanglement with that is not a punishment cuz I'm an evil person. It's really my mission to be able to work through all those sparks. And in that moment when I can realize that even Eisav is part of my journey, what happens then is Yaakov with Satan becomes two Yaakov is 182 together with 359 is 541 which is Yisrael. Have a beautiful and wonderful